My problem is like having Phantom Limb

Dear Love,

have you heard of it? an arm/leg of yours gets amputated yet at times you feel it itch, hurt, go numb for no reason. it is no longer there but then again why do you still feel it? your brain is tricking you.
this is how i feel. i was cheated on, fucked around with, lied to, guys played me, and a whole bunch of shit was talked, and well basically i was treated like an object for over a course of a few years. all this time i worried and became bitter and jealous to the point where i was accustomed to this feeling. i started to have this hatred for guys and how they treated me. a gentleman to me was a folklore and chivalry was long dead and gone. then when i stumbled along this guy who refreshed and reset my views on the opposite sex i felt relaxed. i could put my guard down for once and i was not use to it at all. my brain started to trick me into thinking something bad was going on when everything was all good. so i became sick in worrying and blaming and complaining. i put it all on him, crying every night blaming him. it's these past guys who made me get into fights with my new boy. my heart was still heavy from all the heart ache from before. sex still felt like rape to me.
i am still learning to let the past go. i just need to grow up more. i am sorry that you have to put up with it every night. baby, i love you cause you do. i am trying not to ruin any more nights of yours, it is not fair to you.

with love, Shannen

P.S. i hope whenever i feel like complaining ill look for this post, to calm myself down.

i am sick and tired of chasing after you

when is it going to be my day? when is chivalry going to come back? i honestly do not know what to say anymore. i dont know how to express this to you without it becoming a fight. i am tired of keeping my emotions to myself.
you have gotten too comfortable that you cant hear my crying out for you even on the phone. you use to have those special powers to hear my whimpers but not anymore. you have become too oblivious to all my . . . .

I WISH I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK