guide lines for a mother

dear mommy,

how can i tell you this? how can i tell you how i feel without you yelling at me? i have so much to tell you but i seriously do not know how to start. saturday you told me that you want a book on how to raise me, but i will give you something that kind of comes close to that, a letter.

let us start from the beginning. ever since i was little i have noticed the different ways you would treat me and my sister. one one hand she gets the side of you that is sweet talking and full of praise and what i see from you is scattered hope for me and a bunch of "why couldn't you be better?" i suppose it all originated from my fallout from this "innocent" child that you thought i would always be. i was in my rebellious phase when you started to look down upon me. you may think to yourself that you never do this, but you do. trust me you do. i hear it each time you tell me that i should be more responsible like caitlin with her straight A's and her perfect record. i should not have to stress the honest truth that it hurts being compared to someone you know for a fact that is and will always will better than you.

still though to prove a bigger point: this rebellious phase happens to all kids and please do not tell me "well why do you have to be like all those kids?" well i am not trying to be. in my psychology class we learned about these phases that both kids and teens go through and it is normal. there is always just that point in time when a kid has to break free from under their parents' wing and to exert their independence in anyway that they know how. it is absolutely normal and there is not anything wrong with me.

i have matured over time and if you do not see that, then (i am sorry for being too blunt to you but) you are blind. i know now whats right from wrong and i do not expect to go back to that one shannen who always messed up over and over again. i have grown up and despite from what you may think, i know what i want to do with my life now. i am now a woman who knows who she is and knows how she should not to be treated. no longer am i that rebellious kid that you knew before, i just now speak my mind.

like you mom, if you know something is wrong you speak your mind to try to fix it. you call the other person out on what they did and tell them your side of the story, try to persuade them that what they did was wrong and if they do not understand what you are saying you use force. i got that from you. it can be bad and good. haha!

mommy i don't hate you, just the way you treat me at times. yes, i know it is only because you care about me and my future. still there are these times when i do not need all that extra weight put upon me. a mommy is suppose to take away the fears and worries not create more of them.

daddy tells me that this is how you show me that you care - you tell me that i have to prove you wrong, i have to always do better, that i should be responsible. you do this so much, this odd way of showing me that you care that it makes me so frustrated and makes me feel like i can never get anything right, so why try? so i quit trying to prove you wrong, cry, and just started to get more into my work. all the while i try to ignore some of the negative comments that you make.

i understand that i brought it upon myself nonetheless. you have specific guide lines that i have to live up to, so i better get them right or else the fighting begins. and then at the end of the day neither one of us wants to be in this situation, so we get more grumpy and more fighting breaks out.

i am so sorry for that mommy. regardless of what you may think about me, i have felt like a horrible daughter for telling you all those mean spiteful things. i just wanted you to see how i felt. whenever you would call me stupid, disgusting, etc, it would like a stab in the heart. each one of those comments made me grow away from you. yes i know, two wrongs never make a right. i am just so sorry for it. you are not a horrible mom, you are just misunderstood and i just need to calm down before anything like that comes out of my mouth again.

mommy i do love you, i love you through all our arguments and our imperfections that clash together. we are both human mommy. were trying to know more about each other but our pride and stubbornness gets in the way of everything that is going on. that is what is wrong with us. we have no formal form of communication. hopefully i will try to keep that communication alive between us and nothing like what happen for the past couple weeks will occur again. please mommy do the same.

love, your daughter

p.s. please be receptive with all these things that i tell you. i do not wish to fight or anything like that anymore. i just want to talk. anything here or any issues that we have, we can talk about if you are still concerned.