It's the little things

i have been told that give you the biggest smile or the worst heart ache. i woke up a bit early in hopes i could see you today. i should be happy to see you for as much as i can . . . but i dont know anymore.
i did not just throw on some random outfit, i specially picked it thinking you would compliment me. i put on make-up for you, i did my hair all nice and nothing. i did all of this just so i can see you for just 30 minutes. sad huh? all i was asking for is just a little bit more than sex, it is simply that you can show me that you LOVE me still. it is one thing for someone to say "i love you" and another to show it. i am sorry to say that lately i haven't felt it from you.
at night when i poured my heart and soul at to you, i told you that i felt lonely. i half hoped that you would find the words to soothe my blues away but the other half knew that you did not know what to say. i was so upset. a chain reaction, you were mad at me for ruining your day by saying this and i was crying because countless of my days without your comfort. what is 1 day compared to a few weeks of mine? nonetheless after telling you how i felt you started to fall asleep while i was crying. there again i gave up myself to you and let you go and started to pity myself once more.
when you are upset, i try to talk you down, but i guess what i do i should not talk about it in case i might ruin your day again. you do not see what i try to do for you. all i ask is for you to show me that you love me in return. hold me in your arms and tell me i am beautiful, that i do not have to worry anymore, that you are here for me and for me only. surprise me, do not wait for me to say that i miss you for you to say it too, speak in a sincere voice, and have patience with me. i guess this is my boyfriend wish list. even though it has been a year into our relationship does not mean you are going to stop being the boy i fell in love with.

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i want your hands all over me. i want my hands all over you. i want to cross that invisible barrier between us. erase any lingering awkwardness, kiss away your fears and tears, wrap my arms around you and try to convey how much i love you through touch. my tongue in the shell of your ear, your fingertips tracing secrets on the tops of my sensitive thighs, us tangled, hopelessly, together in a human love-knot.

i want to plant kisses up and down your spine. i want to hear you beg me to relieve your built up tension, your voice thin and desperate. then i want to hear you moan my name. moan it once, softly, then louder, until you’re reducing to little whimpers. i want you spent.

then, i want to sleep with you once more, in the most innocent sense of the phrase, and wake in the beautiful after glow, your head on my chest.

this is sex in it real form. this is the sigh of reassurance that love does still exists. this is the type of sex everyone needs now a days.

SAT's

so last night we talked, and talked, and talked till there was nothing left to explain. i conveyed my feelings over to him, repeated myself, and understood even more that no matter the problem there are ways of working it out. i told him how i felt, not really in the words and tone i expressed in my last blog but in a manner more sensible and not as whiny. he understood everything, that is my baby for you, always concerned and there for me as best he can be. the thing that kind of did bother me was that he did not know how to comfort me; he was there for me but did not know what to say. we were both speechless. ahh for me it is the thought that counts.

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i logged on to look at my scores for SAT's knowing that i did horrible. alas when i finally got to the page, added up all my scores, i started to cry. i scored so low. i guess it was partly because i bullshitted my way through the last couple years of my life or maybe to the lack of studying that i have done or perhaps my mind was just somewhere else. these 3 numbers will effect the next few years of my life. sadly since my numbers are low thus my feelings are as well making the next few months hell for me to study for the next few years of my life. get it? i hope so.
thinking about the SAT's i bet you i have a WHOLE lot of spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. etc. etc. errors here. i bet that if this was a writing prompt i would probably get a 3 ishh out of 12. these educational type tests are going to kill me, i know it.

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a note to myself for future reference: i need to find this book, it will help me when i am in need.

i havent been here in so long

i guess i only come here to complain now. it is a place where he wont look at all and i can tell all my problems to the world that will never listen. but lowkey i really want him to read this. well here i go: for a few hours now, it has been twitter, twitter, twitter, twitter, and twitter. you get the idea. these text messages from a site, but not from you. it should not bother me i know, i am trying not to be selfish alas i can not help it. you say so many things, it is all these promises that you will take me out to the places that you went to without me, deep down inside i know i will never go. do not get me wrong, i like knowing that you want to take me there but you know yourself that you wont have the chance to take me.
so i guess here i am again, sitting at home and for hours now i have been staring at a my cell phone wall paper. it is a picture of you. you took it on the day that you came over to reassure me that i was yours still and that i should not worry so much. i am all kinds of stubborn, you know that yourself. you know that you have probably said that "im the only one" more than a hundred times. i am sorry. new versions of my worries keep popping up, it is to the point where i get jealous of your best friends . . . because you see them more than i see you. in the past week you have seen them every single day and me, if im lucky 2 times a week. forgive me if im overreacting but im just stating the truth. is it too much then to ask for a txt every once in a while? i get my hopes up every time my phone rings then it crashes back down to see that it wasnt from you. im simply tired of waiting.
wanna know something? i took up sewing, reading, drawing again because i knew that you were gonna do this. i learned from past expiriences with you to know that every time you go out you dont text exactly right back.

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its 9 days after our 1 year and this is still bothering me so i confronted you about it:

chelloshannen (1:07:36 PM): fine, i had this thought that a persons 1 year was suppose to be spectacular . . . like i was gonna feel like a princess that day :/ and you were gonna have a surprise planned and you were gonna give me a gift and everything but i guess i was hoping for too much again.

chelloshannen (1:10:00 PM): i was just a bit upset cause of that. i just needed to get it off my chest

chelloshannen (1:11:07 PM): say something

chelloshannen (1:11:08 PM): :/

buhrayun (1:11:11 PM): . . .you make me feel like im a bad bf. .

buhrayun (1:11:16 PM): : /

buhrayun (1:11:31 PM): like its not that easy for me to plan all that stuff

buhrayun (1:12:26 PM): im sorry if you were expecting all that stuff and i didnt get you anything, but wasnt the point of going to cue was to celebrate our one year?. . .

buhrayun (1:13:02 PM): am i that bad of a bf shannen?. . .

chelloshannen (1:13:17 PM): no youre not dont ever think that

chelloshannen (1:13:19 PM): its just that

chelloshannen (1:13:30 PM): you went to the mall the day before . . .

chelloshannen (1:13:46 PM): i just thought, that you thought of getting me something :/

buhrayun (1:14:21 PM): so everytime i go to the mall you expect me to get you something? . ..

chelloshannen (1:14:50 PM): no it was just our 1 year, thats why i expected something . . .

buhrayun (1:16:40 PM): ok well im sorryi guess.

chelloshannen (1:17:25 PM): well i guess im sorry for expecting too much

i still hurt. i sometimes wonder if you go out do you think of me? i just thought that when you were at the mall esspecially since the next day was our 1 year you would find atleast something to surprise me with :[ yea i probably am asking for too much but after all the times i took care of you, spending so much for you for your birthday, lying to my parents, putting you in front of all of my other friends, staying up still 1 to 3 AM waiting for you to come home, going behind my parent's back just to hang out with you. i kind of wanted something back. silly of me, selfish of me. i made you a huge card, i drew on it, i wrote out my feelings for you, all the love i had for you, i put everything on over the course of the year in to that card. what did i get from you? nothing. we were gonna go to cue anyways. we took pictures with our friends. you payed for me. but then after you didnt think of taking pictures with just me and you. thats what upset me. i had to ask you. in my mind i shouldnt have to ask you these things. youre suppose to have them planned out. YOU'RE THE GUY, THE GUY IS SUPPOSE TO DO ROMANTIC THINGS FOR THE GIRL . . . not the other way around. this was my first 1 year relationship and i am sorry for expecting too much of you, but im the girl and you were the one who said that the girl was suppose to be treated like a princess. all in all, it was a disappointing 1 year. i guess thats what i get for fucking up right?

all in all, you are a good boyfriend. better than most i have ever heard of or have been with. like i said NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN LIKE THAT! you have always seen the best in me, just read though my past blogs about you, honestly about 98% of my blogs are about you, the only person who can put me down one second, laugh it off and bring me right back up again. thats you, thats what i look for in a guy. dont forget that you are my dream boy babe. its just that youre missed a detail that meant a lot to me. mmmm bryan we are all human, yea we make mistakes and we fuck up. it doesnt mean you are a bad boyfriend. i just had too much hope again. :/ please dont mind me.

** im sorry for all the complaining, like i said this was the site for all my venting and whatnot.