*Sighh*

for this post i will not use as much literature talk, if you know what i mean.

okay this is for you. this is my last attempt to call out for you. i will direct this to you because i know that sometime or another you will read this and frankly dont wanna fight about this certain thing. i done with all this crying. i want to just vent this out without there being this awkward ass hour or more than we always have whenever i try to convey my feelings out to you.
i know you dont like when we argue and you dont know what to say after because you dont want to fight more. i understand that. its just that i want you to say something to me. i want to you reassure me more than just "baby its only you" or "shannen, its going to be fine."
i want to feel special. lately, i dont know if this is the hormones from that thing but seriously i want to feel like more than a friend to you. i am your girlfriend and yet i feel like some girl you just talk to day in and day out, you kiss me whenever you see me, and hold my hand sometimes but other than that there is no passion. what happen to the days you would stare into my eyes and feel like nothing else mattered. but now everytime you hug me tight . . . it is as if i were forcing you to do so.
you lost touch with me, physically and emotionally. hugs and kissing can not fix what words were really meant for though. i may be asking for too much but i just miss feeling your influence. i miss you looking me into the eye and saying how much you love me. i know i can not get this all the time but bryan . . . you did change. before there use to be a time where you could barely take your eyes off me whenever i was near you. right when i came to the room you would come right to me and hold me close. now a days it feels as though your life is too rushed for me to be in it. i feel as though have to force myself into your day. 2 hours of your day, then you go home, half talk to me, and fall asleep on the phone before we ever get a real conversation going. youre too tired and i am emotionally tired to deal with it. bryan even in the summer i felt this way, not enough time for me . . .
yesterday i told you how i felt, not a word slipped out from you. you just hugged me . . . i wanted to know if you felt the same way. i wanted you to miss me the way i missed you. i wanted something cheesy to spill out from your lips into my ear and fill my heart up with love again. got my hopes up once more. this hug it felt so forced, i couldnt help but cry. i hated it. i was so angry at you, you did not even know it. i just wanted to scream and cry out to you and say "why dont you look at me the way you use to?!" youve become too accustomed to my face and my clingy emotions that it is as if you shrug it off and go on like it was nothing.
when im having a bad day i look to you, my boyfriend to make it better. to know me well enough to know that i want some alone time with you. i do not want to do any more sexual things, i am serious about this. its currupted this relationship. you were the one who said yourself that you wanted a day to look into my eyes and tell me . . . im gonna stop now, i sort of lost hope in this all happening. i expect too much of you, im sorry. i just miss you, i wanted you to miss me too and show it to me unexpectedly. bryan i miss when you made me feel beautiful, without having to grab or stare at my ass.
i am done, take this as you wish. if anything, out of love ill learn to deal with the time we have together

today was horrible

i thought you would see that by the way i was acting . . . i guess not. in all honestly, i dont know whether i should write more about this. i rather talk to you and hear your voice than being here alone. i felt alone for far too long. bryan we need to really talk about this.

Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today but eventually.

from now on, this year i am going to start off positive. ima make a list of goals now haha.

1. stay out past 1 AM with my friends
2. actually go to disneyland and not some random place
3. graduate with bryan
4. speak my mind in class
5. keep up in AP english
6. dont fall behind in math :/
   
7. save up the money i get every week
8. get trust back from mom
9. permit
10. license
11. stay organized
12. drive to pick my sister up from her school
13. get a job
14. win that grizzly artist award
15. make a high score on my SAT
16. create something beautiful so that mommy would be proud
17. have a big party for my 18th bday
18. not get distracted by facebook
19. keep in touch with everyone (maybe)
    
20. make new friends
21. grow more (of fuckin course)
22. stay hungry - you know what i mean
23. keep up my faith
24. get more involved with church
25. keep up with my goals
    

"Stay" by Common Feat. Lauren Hill

in the back of my mind thoughts of negativity spread like rapid fire. this sick feeling in my stomach did not belong here and i did not have a choice. i ran on a "might" or a "maybe" that could turn into a "yes i am" or a "no, i was trippin for nothing so lets drop this and sweep it under the rug." still, there is no other option. take it or else it will be a YES.
i felt like Alice while she was in Wonderland, dazed and confused but she went along with the show. when she woke up, she never felt the same again. this moment though simple the task was going to define what i think about myself later on in the future.
i laid in bed alone hours before you came back. i never thought i would be going through this so early in my life. my head was throbbed with this sights of this object. how can such a small substance be so effortless to take but can cause handfuls of grief for my heart? so much for taking away my troubles, right?
i finally drew together enough strength to hop into the shower before you came by. it was part of my regular routine, but different once again. i have been here before. i stared down to my feet as the water hustled by. then my gaze slowly reached up to my stomach. i watched as small streams of water connected to create miniature rivers that disappear into droplets back to my feet. i stroked my stomach with both hands and started to cry. "it is not going to be the same anymore." i whispered through the sound of rushing water "I'm sorry that I'm about to put you through this." i did not know who i was actually talking to - my body or our secret. i sluggishly got out of my shower and put on clothes.
i went downstairs to unlock the door for you to come in by yourself. i did not feel like opening the door and smiling at you like it was a surprise that you came. this was a surprise but not a good one. the door opens and my heart races inside and i rather not go through with this. this costs more than money but my sanity as well. i will forever be reminded when ever i slouch over and look down to what could of been.
you say hello with a reassuring smile as to say "it's alright, i have you now. I'll worry a bit for you." you took my hand and planted a kiss on my lips. you squeezed my body and i started to cry. right through my tears i told you it was too much, way too much. i honestly didn't know how else to put it. as my eyes became wetter my mouth was starting to turn dry. this bitter sweet feeling still lingered from when we last kissed. you started to comfort me, but alas your guarantee got lost through my thoughts of negativity again so in return i said nothing. i buried my face into your neck like all the times before. i could hear "it's gonna be okay baby" within the mess of my thoughts.
you showed me the bag of mystery and took my hand to the kitchen. my body felt so heavy as i dragged my feet over to get the glass of water. i wanted to keep crying but that would not be at all fair to you.
inside this bag lay a box, in this box is what we need to have a "no, this will not happen, not this time" rest of our time being together. we both read the directions on this "no box", simple simple. "pop it in my mouth and drink water" i told myself. an uncomplicated procedure for me but i wanted to procrastinate once more. i trace the title with my mind, i looked over the side effects. i looked up at you with anxiety. slowly you made your way over to me in one motion; it was effortless. you held me from behind. i felt like it was the first time you did that again. my heart fluttered more and i took it. just like Alice i woke up thinking what the hell just happened? it was done and over with. no more, not again.

You thought i forgot about YOU huh?

but baby i didnt, you were the first thing on my mind. soooo i guess its time for me to catch you up. i took a plane to hawaii for about 2 weeks, July 16 - 30th. during this time i missed people so much. it was sort of bitter sweet. hawaii was beautiful, the right temperature and green everywhere. people were all too friendly, many of which hit on me. not to be braggin, but remember keeping you updated.
i went to maui for the first week then off to oahu the second. i hated maui, man i was on my period and bitchy the whole time. nonetheless it didnt stop me from eating my ass off, and jumping into creeks. i taught my self how to paddle board while over there. it is pretty self explanitory once you see it, you just really need to know how to swim or else you will panic out in the ocean and you are effed.
then off to oahu, the thing was maui wasnt very city like and well its safe to say that oahu was like straight up west covina. asian stores everywhere, back alley viet restaurants, and the freeway. it filled in my homesick feeling with the smells of rice and sights of the city skylines. my family and i stayed at the ko olina hotel which was too beautiful for words. its one of those 5 star resorts. my 3rd time going there and man did i feel like i was at home. private beach where the waves werent high, just a chill place to be.
second week into being here this alarm hit me. i miss bryan. yea, yea, yea i know i complain way too much about him but he changed. back to the same old n00b with new sly tricks. a bit of an oxymoron if i might say so. he read everything, everything on my blog. thank you baby for making it up to my this week.