in the back of my mind thoughts of negativity spread like rapid fire. this sick feeling in my stomach did not belong here and i did not have a choice. i ran on a "might" or a "maybe" that could turn into a "yes i am" or a "no, i was trippin for nothing so lets drop this and sweep it under the rug." still, there is no other option. take it or else it will be a YES.
i felt like Alice while she was in Wonderland, dazed and confused but she went along with the show. when she woke up, she never felt the same again. this moment though simple the task was going to define what i think about myself later on in the future.
i laid in bed alone hours before you came back. i never thought i would be going through this so early in my life. my head was throbbed with this sights of this object. how can such a small substance be so effortless to take but can cause handfuls of grief for my heart? so much for taking away my troubles, right?
i finally drew together enough strength to hop into the shower before you came by. it was part of my regular routine, but different once again. i have been here before. i stared down to my feet as the water hustled by. then my gaze slowly reached up to my stomach. i watched as small streams of water connected to create miniature rivers that disappear into droplets back to my feet. i stroked my stomach with both hands and started to cry. "it is not going to be the same anymore." i whispered through the sound of rushing water "I'm sorry that I'm about to put you through this." i did not know who i was actually talking to - my body or our secret. i sluggishly got out of my shower and put on clothes.
i went downstairs to unlock the door for you to come in by yourself. i did not feel like opening the door and smiling at you like it was a surprise that you came. this was a surprise but not a good one. the door opens and my heart races inside and i rather not go through with this. this costs more than money but my sanity as well. i will forever be reminded when ever i slouch over and look down to what could of been.
you say hello with a reassuring smile as to say "it's alright, i have you now. I'll worry a bit for you." you took my hand and planted a kiss on my lips. you squeezed my body and i started to cry. right through my tears i told you it was too much, way too much. i honestly didn't know how else to put it. as my eyes became wetter my mouth was starting to turn dry. this bitter sweet feeling still lingered from when we last kissed. you started to comfort me, but alas your guarantee got lost through my thoughts of negativity again so in return i said nothing. i buried my face into your neck like all the times before. i could hear "it's gonna be okay baby" within the mess of my thoughts.
you showed me the bag of mystery and took my hand to the kitchen. my body felt so heavy as i dragged my feet over to get the glass of water. i wanted to keep crying but that would not be at all fair to you.
inside this bag lay a box, in this box is what we need to have a "no, this will not happen, not this time" rest of our time being together. we both read the directions on this "no box", simple simple. "pop it in my mouth and drink water" i told myself. an uncomplicated procedure for me but i wanted to procrastinate once more. i trace the title with my mind, i looked over the side effects. i looked up at you with anxiety. slowly you made your way over to me in one motion; it was effortless. you held me from behind. i felt like it was the first time you did that again. my heart fluttered more and i took it. just like Alice i woke up thinking what the hell just happened? it was done and over with. no more, not again.
