pissed AF

This isn't right at all.

THIS FUCKIN GIRL.

What an I even looking for?

Sober reassurance, I suppose. Over the past couple days I have been thinking about all the things I have told you when I was drunk. It was most of the things I wish I could say to you if I was sober. But the thing is I can't even recall half of the things you said back to me. That's what is irking me the most right now.

I can not take this

I seriously can't do this. I am too emotionally tired to even function right. I am having one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had. I feel so low right now and I really wish you were with me to help make this feeling go away. I am hysterically crying right now and I really just need a hug from you and for you to talk me down from this edgy feeling. Everything this week has been going so wrong :'( I need you more than ever.

Fucked.

I can't take it anymore. Having my past mistakes rubbed in my face constantly like you really do enjoy it. I have fucked up a lot, I admit that but I have the ability to always fix it.

Its the simple things like forgetting to put away the clothes. It is nothing to scream over. I already feel pathetic as it is and now here you are belittling me more as each passing minute goes by. Just to add salt to my wounds you go head and tell me how I never improve. You seriously do not know how hard I am trying to be a better person for you. I try to make you happy by buying you presents, talking to you more than I have before, getting better grades, and cleaning. But it is always something little like not putting the clothes away to tick you off . . .

I have done the things that you wanted. I got a job. I got my permit and I am getting better at driving. I pay for dad's lunches sometimes so you don't have to. I am trying, I wish you can see my efforts and not blow them off like it is nothing. I'm so tired of crying like this and wishing that you can see all the things that I am willing to do for you and this family. I wish you can see how many times I have beat myself up for being a horrible daughter. I wish I could be a normal daughter with a normal mother.

prize-worthy

i am tired of keeping all my thoughts to myself. it is all the constant roaming around inside my head, running over heartbreaking memories of yesteryear, and tripping on feelings that i dipped too deep into. why is it after more than two and a half years of being together i am still scared of telling you how i really feel?

i have a tendency to avoid the subject and bury it underneath a cute voice and a convincing smile than to actually have the balls to confront you with it. even when i do unravel how i feel i can never tell you the whole problem. my mind comes up with these glorious speeches of how i would give off the subject in a way to make you empathize with me at the same time try to see things in my perspective.

in reality, the process of telling you my prize-worthy speech of how horrible i feel at times comes out in a ugly elementary blob. it is back to the "Shannen are sad because Shannen need good love" kind of stage in my cycle of craziness. so amidst my blubbering over my words and being tongue tied, i can never ever fully convey how i am feeling. i guess i am just sick of the constant worrying of trying to pick out what i call - the safe sentences: those words and phases that both will not offend you nor will you misconstrue them into a negative connotation in any way shape or form.

i just want to tell you how i really feel without any judgement or annoyance towards me that comes as a consequence. but still no matter how mad at you i get or down right sad i am, i just revert to just stepping back and staying quiet while you keep doing your thing.

im afraid that all my complaints
will drive you into the arms of another person
therefore i am always quiet about how i feel

Tingle

I really don't know what it is that has gotten over me for the past couple hours. My heart feels weighted down as if I know that something is very off about the world around me right now and of course it just doesn't feel right. It is that kind of feeling that something bad is going to happen but you're anxiously waiting for it as like the quiet before the storm. I am only half positive (if anyone can claim to be as such) that this preconceived notion to be nothing but false and that I just have some sort of heavy loose nerve in my chest

Nonetheless I'm going to pray more than usual tonight for God to watch over my family, friends, and myself tonight and hopefully this bad feeling will fade away.

It is seriously stressing me out.

L’esprit d’escalier

my feelings are shot and i feel horrible. this feeling only appears at night and slaps me right across my face. the impact always leaves my throat dry from all the things i dare not say. even slick words can not even coax me to speak again. i just want to feel okay again

my heart feels so heavy.