prize-worthy

i am tired of keeping all my thoughts to myself. it is all the constant roaming around inside my head, running over heartbreaking memories of yesteryear, and tripping on feelings that i dipped too deep into. why is it after more than two and a half years of being together i am still scared of telling you how i really feel?

i have a tendency to avoid the subject and bury it underneath a cute voice and a convincing smile than to actually have the balls to confront you with it. even when i do unravel how i feel i can never tell you the whole problem. my mind comes up with these glorious speeches of how i would give off the subject in a way to make you empathize with me at the same time try to see things in my perspective.

in reality, the process of telling you my prize-worthy speech of how horrible i feel at times comes out in a ugly elementary blob. it is back to the "Shannen are sad because Shannen need good love" kind of stage in my cycle of craziness. so amidst my blubbering over my words and being tongue tied, i can never ever fully convey how i am feeling. i guess i am just sick of the constant worrying of trying to pick out what i call - the safe sentences: those words and phases that both will not offend you nor will you misconstrue them into a negative connotation in any way shape or form.

i just want to tell you how i really feel without any judgement or annoyance towards me that comes as a consequence. but still no matter how mad at you i get or down right sad i am, i just revert to just stepping back and staying quiet while you keep doing your thing.

im afraid that all my complaints
will drive you into the arms of another person
therefore i am always quiet about how i feel