here i am to beg for you

i literally dont know how it came to be here nor can i give you a definitive answer on why i did it. there are always multiple reasons behind a persons actions. i was lonely, i was tired, i was afraid that you were doing the same thing - in my mind thats what all the signs were pointing to. all those posts that youve liked on instagram and tumblr from an ex girlfriend to porn picture, the things youve reblogged made me feel too uneasy about us. the way you would keep your phone away from me. i just thought it wasnt fair, that something for sure was going on. after all this i never felt good enough in your eyes.

sigh but youve read my posts here, you know all too well my insecurities. i just wished there was some way to ease them all, and maybe if they were eased... then this wouldnt have happened. in a way i just wanted someone there to fill that confusing void... fuck this is horrible. i cant keep playing this shit out in my head. im going crazy trying to keep my mind away from you. i know that i would do anything for you, i would do anything to have us back even if it means that you have to do the same thing to me. i can take the heart ache as long as i know for a fact that you will be by my side in the very end. i love you, im crazy for you.

i cant blame it all on you, i seriously cant. i hold most of the fault and it surely feels as though im killing myself over it. it was my choice, my words. i suppose in a way i missed being all cute with you, thats why i turned to someone else. it didnt have to matter who it was, i know i just needed the attention but i sought it out from the most horrible source. it was only him. this was a one time fucked up move that i would never put you through again. call me what you want. a whore. a slut. a bitch. a dumbass. i know i am that and more. i know what i deserve.

like all the times before this, at the end of the day i cant do anything else but wait for you again. im waiting on your text, a call, something good to show me that you still love me. ill give you time, ill give you space, ill give you the world again if you could come back to me. all this stress and heart ache is killing me... i hope you see this. i hope you respond to this positively. ive been talking to my parents about this and they believe that if we love one another still then this time away is good, it gives us time to think about the important things and how we should work for them. they say that they have been through a lot andeven though they have their disagreements and times of doubt that they love each other at the end of the day and they work towards that.

sigh you know i love you, dont doubt that. i know i have messed up bad and you believe if i really did love you then this whole thing wouldnt have happened.... but the thing is things like this happen not out of love but out of jealousy, stupidity, and loneliness. i promise next time i wont let this get the best of me. i will turn myself onto you only, please let me.