it's cool, i got it

i am a monster, i am a monster. i guess its the ghosts of the past that haunt you the most. the what if questions that startle the most courageous of minds.
oh past, i cant be in love with you anymore. goodbye. let me get back on my feet again and forget how much you have beat me up yesterday. where should i go from here you say? well im dating the future, arent you jealous?

honestly

i dont know what to say in this blog. its like damn a lot has happen since the last time i posted anything up.

well anyways, i am now 17. looking for something better in life, something to make me better. oh the choices and roads i have traveled to get me where i am now. eff my life. shits soooo slow.

i wish you could have seen the lights, sounds, and felt taste with me in the city of lost angels. i dont even know if that was right but oh well MY BLOG MY RULES.

heres my recap of my year. boy "G" ill find you and kill you some day. boy "C" youre gonna get your dick cut off for what youve done to me and all the other girls. boy "Z" whatever fuck you, you were never good enough anyways, lying sack of shit. boy "B" im still in love with you.

ok then for the year without the boys. i have lost friends, found friends, lost friends again. learned what i want and what others what of me. i realized what they thought of me and what i should think of my self at that point. there has been nights where ive screamed my heart out for a person to come back and had it placed back in by the softest and warmest of hands. ive been beaten down physically and mentally and i have still come out with wisdom. i had my share of bad cake that made me through up what i never needed in the first place. ive been in and out of love and back in again. others have held my hand all the way and others were absent for months now. scars have healed and friendship bracelets are placed over them, while the best friends buy clothes and shoes to cover wounds all up. ive worn down shoes, worn others down as well, worn other peoples clothing, worn down myself. but then in time i buffed myself back up to the shining me that i always try to see in the mirror. i am yin and yang, the good and the bad, the "i guess" moments, those i dont know what to say anymore person, that girl who still doesnt know what to do. i have grown up though, i can tell you that.

Dear Anonymous,

i guess it is cause you never look at anything through my eyes. yea i am still young but it does not mean that i do not know anything. one can learn by experience, but you would not know of what i have been going though would you? i have been thinking a lot lately about us and our relationship that could of been. it was the second coming that i guess messed everything up. growing up i felt pushed aside because of it but i could not ever tell you that because, i know you, you were gonna say that you did not try to sweep me under the rug. alas how can you not realize this? i showed you my first but you were too busy to notice. i tried to find you my best and you did not see it fit. i guess i am like that bastard child, that black sheep in the back that you try to avoid again and again. i craved for those eye to eye moments that you have still with the second coming, yet i want it on my level. i want you to understand where i am truly coming from. i know i ask of too much. i know i have been jealous, a sin yet again, of every other heart to heart relationship out there. thinking of what ours could of been. then again, i will always keep quiet, dreaming, wishing, wanting, for you to see me as something visible once more. i do not have a voice in your domain, for its has been shot down too many times to be counted properly. this is the real reason why my voice is harsh and raspy towards yours. it is still healing. its jagged exterior is louder than the real interior that is screaming out for you to just hand over a touch of warmth. it is not out of hate or of spite just in the lack of . . .


i complain

6 MONTHS

at this time it was for those who never will probably understand until something comes up to smack them in the face about it. it is not magic, it is reality here to wrestle you back down to the surface of the earth. for no one is just so high and mighty to pressure one onto believing that they can reach such of heaven's heights of standards. but then when that one person tries and falls short to reaching for a star that they have all the confidence in getting, one gets shunned, burned by the sun, and tossed around the moons pull.

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it was the heat of the moment, "crunch time" (LMAO thanks osos) i suppose you can say. one word FINALS. damn them to hell. something worth 15% for 3 full days each subject around 2 hours each of white noise and the sound of brains thinking. oh the stress it can give on a teen at this age.

on the plus side for one of my finals i got to take off my clothes :]

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today was my 6th month of going out with bryan. haha something to light up the day LITERALLY on the finals. i remember a few months back looking forward to this day! and right now its totally surreal. half a year. i feel like such a girl thinking about this. it is something to celebrate for most relationships do not care to last this long. i know others who are still trying to get over their 2 month ones from last year. -_______- thank goodness for ours lasting this long. heres to 6 months and more to come.

life couldnt get any sweeter at this point. here he was about to walk home, kissing me in at my front door. he held me tight, running his hands down my back and mine pulling at his jacket tight. it was slow at first, then a sudden CLICK and a glow shown though my closed eyes. we both had our sudden stop to look around. the christmas lights switched on for a sudden mood setter. thanks for the perfect timing :] it was a sign.

. . .

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - bob marley

L is for the way you LOOK at ME

ok well here is a recap (im sooooo sorry if this is going to be long) of what happen throughout my break:
well as you see i am the type of girl excited about a relationship and of course i would be "lost without you" (robin thicke suck it) well damn this thanksgiving in Vegas without my boyfriend was horrible. but alas i filled the void with food (of course) and black friday. thank god for shopping right?
so heres a story from that day . . . well my 2 cousins (kc and josh) and i were the type never to wake up early for something that we plan to do the night before. the other times before we would always plan to play tennis, go out running, simply work out, or to watch pokemon when we were kids.
well in the weeeeeee hours of the morning, basically 3:30 AM is the time we set our clocks to wake up at. this time was so, as girls, we can shower, look pretty, get all our make-up on, and as a guy can shower and basically straighten hair for.
damn we failed. at 3:30 the alarm went off. i woke up and tried to wake up kc. nothing was accomplished and so i went back to sleep. till THANK GOODNESS my aunt (josh's mom) came to our makeshift bed on the floor. we left the house around 7 -_____- fail fail FAIL. but many good things came out of it. to my amazment and surprise there was a $3 coffee maker. the cutest coffee maker you will ever see. so petite! and forever 21 or should i say FOREVER XXI? HAHA. i love shopping


ok i will forever mark this day on my calender as LEVEL 2. i guess there are 3 levels in the LOVE GAME (lady gaga) first level is asking the person out. second is saying that youre in love with him/her. third is asking them to marry you. he did it. he said it. he finally said it. ok stephenie mayer fail again:

so there and then i felt like he had the power to slowed everything down in that instant. with that just one whisper of my name i had my beliefs that something bad had happen but i could not think of what. these negative questions felt like needles that one by one raced through my heart. "something was definately wrong," i told myself. i did not know what was going to happen so i braced myself to speak "yes?" he gracefully took his hand, rapped it around the side of my face, and moved his lips closer to my ear to hear him whisper. it was 5 words. simple words. and this would be the first time i would hear it this closely, this gently, this perfectly. "im in love with you." just a whisper but made the biggest imprint on my heart and i melted. i felt love as he pulled back to see my reaction.
love, this is it, in its purest form. these few seconds felt like hours of thinking. it was beautiful as i looked into his eyes, i couldnt stop. this was much more than what everyone has told me, the movies were telling the truth, love is real.
from there on out i felt cleansed, the only word to truely describe it all is "infinate." it was like finding the perfect song to drive to. the beats were on point with the scenery, the lyrics fit your mood, and for once in your life you were truely satisfied.
cloud 9 is what they would call it back in the day. described by the drug users, this was to be a euphoric trace without the drugs. but yet i was under the influence. a substance that not many people feel. it is a first time thing to feel. to slide into this state of mind where possiblities seemed endless and nothing can finally hurt you.