I wish.. I wish so badly that you can feel how I do right at this moment. Maybe then you'll understand.

I keep trying to deny how real it is and I just keep wanting to get away from it all but I can not get away far enough.

Take Me Down

Ease my mind and stroke away my insecurities. Push back my hair behind my ear as if to let me hear you better. Pull me closer to utter out hushed tones of words I have been longing to hear. Nibble away at my worries and caress my imperfections. Strip me of my personal shortcomings to make me finally feel the grace in my own skin. Cloak me with your adorning acclimations. Feel the release of many years with negative thinking. Make me feel beautiful. Make me feel spent.

What to do...

Between all the shouting and fights do they ever look to each other and think "this person is so amazing"? Do they hold hands under the table and believe that they were each other's "one"? I wonder if they kiss each other goodnight and thank God that they are still together after all this time. In between all the fighting I wonder if there is still actual love there.

There's so much fighting in this house now, even more than before. Every night there's so much crying. All the accusations bellow out of the pits of mistrust and echo in the valley of overreaction and worry. There is just so many WHY's and I'm sorries to be passed around. The air is so thick with anger and longing. Mixed emotions are all too common in this house. They both want it to be done but they can't let their pride go.

In the movies they fix their problems, give each other a big kiss, and a sigh of relief right in time for the credits to roll. It will never happen like that in real life. My psychology teacher once said "it is better to have a divorced couple than a continuous fighting one" and I believe this surely to be true. I just wish everything can end up like the movies. I want a happy ending.

Please God help our family.

Note to something I will never repeat.

Oh the things I could say to you now. I just do not know how and why many enjoy your poisonous taste of words you spit out on the daily. Maybe they are all too busy being mesmerized by that vein, synthetic shell of yours? And perhaps you have them fooled? It takes so much effort to try to portray yourself as so humble and with much humility but crack the surface to find out that underneath you are none other than purely narcissistic. Never to change. Never to improve.

Just a note and nothing more, a simple rant I dying to be let out for years.

Dear Chris,

I wish you were here right now to talk me through all of this. I have so much I want to convey but no voice to let it all out. I need help. I want closure with everything I'm feeling but I don't know how to do it! This frustration is killing me and I am tired of crying at night because of it. I feel like I barely have options to run to...
What do I do now? I'm so lost.

Sincerely, Shannen

What have I done to deserve this treatment... What the hell have I done?

Can't fight it anymore

Living in a single night where music and soft laughter filled my ears again. Back in touch with swift glances and adorn with a smile from ear to ear. How have I forgotten this feeling? I emerged myself in a positive surrounding and quick come backs and life is sweet. Melodic duets, vibrations from a piano, and a guitar session... I'm back to myself again.

Babbling and Coos

I long for the day where my lungs feel the rough, ease of release. To give into muscle relaxing and drift off into Never Never Land once again. To see the whole world in a new light and to feel nothing but infinity at my fingertips like before. Let me dip in and out of my imagination and let my body feel the ataraxia that I have been missing. Boy do I long to be at disposal of indulgence at once more.

Blah blah blah caca

I got a taste of a bit of change. It was pleasant while it lasted. Sweet as honey with a little prick from the bee, it came as quickly as it went. All the eloquent words of speech that came from this certain subject of mine smoothed over any rough projections in my delirious mind. With the help, I comfortably slid into the past and for the time being I had forgiven all the misadventures of yesteryear. I brushed off all the toxins and refilled my loneliness with understanding. "Too much honey made you not crave the taste. And to much sting leaves a person bitter and angry." I need to find equilibrium.

Last time I had worked a boy unexpectedly started to joke around with me by saying that he cuts himself. I did not even want to react or even know how to. I wanted to sulk back into my seat and disappear. I sat there quiet and unable to answer back. Just a nervous smile in addition with my nod that was full pack of awkwardness. I just hoped that someone else would had possibly heard our conversation and intervened to change the subject.

For someone who has gone through the whole experience, cutting is not something I want to joke about. Yes, there are times when I can honestly say that I am ashamed of my scars. During this time it is usually in front of those certain people, like this guy, who I know will not understand what kind of mental stress goes on in a person's mind during the whole process.

MARCH ACHES

I tried it again. I did not know what else to turn to. After bottling up everything day after day, I had just wanted to feel something different.

I called out for help but the words never left my lips. The thought of being more of a burden to others disgusted me. In my head I knew everyone already had enough on their plates without the thought of taking care of me. So why not keep this secret in and bottle it up along with everything else.

Within minutes I have tried to pull myself down by hacking my body into pieces and my weapon on choice is what I play back again and again in my head. In the end I felt tired and honestly a bit relieved and ashamed all at the same time. All these mixed emotions it is a feeling that I was so accustomed to in the past. The very last time it had been fully done was the summer. For the same reason i had pushed my negative thoughts and flash backs of the past so hard against my skin in hopes something good would come out. In the end all of my stress, responsibility, weariness, and the future is a bit of a past blur in the sting of a wound. Endorphins take over my body and do their best to lull me back to sleep.

I now have a constant reminder that I hold in my arms of what I was thinking of the second that act occurred. But deep inside I still want something good to happen. I ultimately just wanted some help.

i cant sleep

its been like this for weeks now. i stay up till 6 in the morning doing nothing. i just want to sleep to stop thinking for atleast a little bit but nothing seems to work.

listen.

i want to be heard. im tired of keeping everything inside and i am tired of having my feelings being swept under the rug. i dont want to have to ignore my worries anymore. i want to face them head on but i cant do that without you. please listen. please thats all i ask.

pissed AF

This isn't right at all.

THIS FUCKIN GIRL.

What an I even looking for?

Sober reassurance, I suppose. Over the past couple days I have been thinking about all the things I have told you when I was drunk. It was most of the things I wish I could say to you if I was sober. But the thing is I can't even recall half of the things you said back to me. That's what is irking me the most right now.

I can not take this

I seriously can't do this. I am too emotionally tired to even function right. I am having one of the worst breakdowns I have ever had. I feel so low right now and I really wish you were with me to help make this feeling go away. I am hysterically crying right now and I really just need a hug from you and for you to talk me down from this edgy feeling. Everything this week has been going so wrong :'( I need you more than ever.

Fucked.

I can't take it anymore. Having my past mistakes rubbed in my face constantly like you really do enjoy it. I have fucked up a lot, I admit that but I have the ability to always fix it.

Its the simple things like forgetting to put away the clothes. It is nothing to scream over. I already feel pathetic as it is and now here you are belittling me more as each passing minute goes by. Just to add salt to my wounds you go head and tell me how I never improve. You seriously do not know how hard I am trying to be a better person for you. I try to make you happy by buying you presents, talking to you more than I have before, getting better grades, and cleaning. But it is always something little like not putting the clothes away to tick you off . . .

I have done the things that you wanted. I got a job. I got my permit and I am getting better at driving. I pay for dad's lunches sometimes so you don't have to. I am trying, I wish you can see my efforts and not blow them off like it is nothing. I'm so tired of crying like this and wishing that you can see all the things that I am willing to do for you and this family. I wish you can see how many times I have beat myself up for being a horrible daughter. I wish I could be a normal daughter with a normal mother.

prize-worthy

i am tired of keeping all my thoughts to myself. it is all the constant roaming around inside my head, running over heartbreaking memories of yesteryear, and tripping on feelings that i dipped too deep into. why is it after more than two and a half years of being together i am still scared of telling you how i really feel?

i have a tendency to avoid the subject and bury it underneath a cute voice and a convincing smile than to actually have the balls to confront you with it. even when i do unravel how i feel i can never tell you the whole problem. my mind comes up with these glorious speeches of how i would give off the subject in a way to make you empathize with me at the same time try to see things in my perspective.

in reality, the process of telling you my prize-worthy speech of how horrible i feel at times comes out in a ugly elementary blob. it is back to the "Shannen are sad because Shannen need good love" kind of stage in my cycle of craziness. so amidst my blubbering over my words and being tongue tied, i can never ever fully convey how i am feeling. i guess i am just sick of the constant worrying of trying to pick out what i call - the safe sentences: those words and phases that both will not offend you nor will you misconstrue them into a negative connotation in any way shape or form.

i just want to tell you how i really feel without any judgement or annoyance towards me that comes as a consequence. but still no matter how mad at you i get or down right sad i am, i just revert to just stepping back and staying quiet while you keep doing your thing.

im afraid that all my complaints
will drive you into the arms of another person
therefore i am always quiet about how i feel

Tingle

I really don't know what it is that has gotten over me for the past couple hours. My heart feels weighted down as if I know that something is very off about the world around me right now and of course it just doesn't feel right. It is that kind of feeling that something bad is going to happen but you're anxiously waiting for it as like the quiet before the storm. I am only half positive (if anyone can claim to be as such) that this preconceived notion to be nothing but false and that I just have some sort of heavy loose nerve in my chest

Nonetheless I'm going to pray more than usual tonight for God to watch over my family, friends, and myself tonight and hopefully this bad feeling will fade away.

It is seriously stressing me out.

L’esprit d’escalier

my feelings are shot and i feel horrible. this feeling only appears at night and slaps me right across my face. the impact always leaves my throat dry from all the things i dare not say. even slick words can not even coax me to speak again. i just want to feel okay again

my heart feels so heavy.