all i think about is you

there are so many thing i need to write about and i can not stress the "need" part enough but i seem to lack the words to express it with. how could i find the time to convey all of these mixed feelings. i am still lost. still broke. still trying to find my way back to you. i promised myself that no matter what, no matter what you say, no matter how many twists and turns this takes us into, i will find my way back to you.

_________________________________

im scared for tonight frankly. i have this feeling that im going to end up alone and drinking by myself as i look onto you while you converse with some other girl across the room. your angry voice will resonate through my head: i could do a lot of things to get you back, shannen. im scared that i am going to end up crying as i try to go home...... i shouldnt be upset. i shouldnt be sad. this is what i deserve... this and worse. please lord guide me through this night.

im not okay, 

im trying to be.

im trying to be something better for you.

i just want to make you happy.

im sorry for complaining.

im just feeling incredibly low.

troubled

whats going on? i thought things were good... right? i dont know. please dont distance yourself away from me. please dont leave me alone again. this is why im so needy for your embrace, for one last kiss, and .... i dont know but im scared once again (well kinda always)

i wish i was your reason for your smile.

glittering gestures

its still too early in the day to be sinking into one of my moods again... fuck what do i even do to try to get out of this. i need to keep my mind away, i need to run away from this kinda of norm. 

Below the Heavens

i want to go back and do it all differently.

soul searchy

why do i feel so lost right now? no initial plan or anything for the future. i noticed that i overcompensate this by trying to find a way control my relationship more. but when things in this department get out of hand i start going crazy. i wish there was a way to get it through my stubborn head to do something or run away to start over somewhere else. fuck. im lost, im broke, my school life is shit, my friendships feel like they are going south, and i dont know how to get out of this funk. gaahh maybe it is easier to complain about the troubles in my life than to actually do something about it. i wish it was the opposite of that. 

thoughts of thought

forbidden things

deep questions that belong to what if...

i am lost

one of the things i fear the most is that of not being able to use my full potential. there is this underlying feeling that i know i could do so much more but the question is: how do i do it? i have realized that i am slowly but surely becoming such a lazy fuck and it is killing me. it comes to the point where i know all this but i have given into the habit of turning a blind's eye towards the subject. i want to do more but i choose the easier route to just lay in bed and forget. i have the urge to be productive but yet i lack the willpower. i know the route i want to be on but the only thing holding me back is the fact that i have no drive... what has happen to me? where is my ambition? why cant i push myself? i do the bare minimum to convince myself that i am staying afloat when in reality i am already underwater and i am drowning.

im fine. everything is totally fine.

Bryan

and this is what ended up happening, that after all the odds and all the possible outcomes this is where i am with you and i wouldnt have it any other way. here you are sleeping on the phone right next to me and here i am wishing and wanting your arms around me. youre the only one who can ease me when im frazzled and the only one i wanna fight with and you alone have the hands i only want to hold. complex as this whole thing all may be, i love you and that is all that matters...

sleep next to me

i realized why i always fall asleep next to you. when im there with my head placed in the curve between your shoulder and chest i have nothing to worry about. there is no wondering about what he is doing, who he is talking to, or worrying about if he still loves me. it just nothing but the smooth strokes of your fingers up and down my back side and your heart beat ringing in my ear. its just you and me, no one else. all the negativity melts away as i find your hand in mine.

_____________________

i just wanna keep us going as long as i possibly can. and i know its stupid for putting all my feelings of happiness into one person but so be it. fuck it all, if youre happy then im happy. if i am the one making you happy then i swear that ill be glowing. i will do anything for you, as long as youll have me.

there are times when i start to cry because i am afraid to love you to the fullest. i know that if i make you my everything again and if i lose you then ill have no one else. this extremely hard to admit... im back to where i use to be again. spending all that i have to make you see me in a little better lighting. i am down to my last dollar bills and counting up my cents to take you out or to buy you a gift. i am worrying my ass off over you once again. i find myself spending my wishes on you, holding your hand tighter, and kissing you more. all because i do not ever want to lose you.... im falling for you again and it scares the fuck out of me....

call me foolish, 

call me a confused,

but i know what love feels like

and it always keeps me wanting more of you

one day

i want it to be like this... one day

give me back my nights.

give me back my piece of mind. all of this white noise paces about around and around my head. it makes the loudest clamor that keep me up at night. it screams back out all of the things i have once said, convinces me to worry, and shows me hard evidence like videos to dwell upon once i close my eyes. and when all that is done the conflicted arguments and twisted words wrap me up against this mental block.  im tired and i do deserve to be weighted down by all this guilt but i fear myself drowning deeper and more than usual.

i must serve this penance.