The End

It feels like you have been ripped from my life. I can't make this pain stop. I want it all to end.  

bipolar talk

so my best friend calls me up and tells me about the fight she had between her and her boyfriend. she talks about how they would argue and scream at each other in public. she kept describing about how they always fight and argue because they were fighting to be with one another. it this whole thing goes on and on without any room for myself to interject with a comment or even a little "mhm." five minutes into the one sided conversation her boyfriend calls her and she says her goodbyes and hangs up the phone. i never said a word. and there i was laying in bed with my phone in my hand a earbuds in my ears and i was alone again. i could not call up my loved one for him to chase this heart breaking feeling away. i was alone, mute, and jealous. 

______________________________

it feels like i reach out too much to you only to have my hand slapped away each time. maybe one day soon i will learn my lesson. but for now it seems like you do not want to talk to me no matter how bad i want to talk to you and i get it. you do not want to get close to me again and that is you, that is how you work. it does not matter how hurt i am or anything because you are still hurting too. to make the right decision again you need time for yourself, time to make yourself fell better. For me though i still have this small hope in wishing on stars and on certain times or even collecting all the these "lucky" pennies and dimes so that one day we will be together and happy again, if not sometime soon then maybe later. although this hope is fading slowly i will still keep loving you no matter how much it hurts. i have to accept the fact that there is a great chance that you will not come back to me... fuck idk what i am saying anymore. i give up on this.

i cry every time i think about my birthday party. i wish i never even tried to plan it. fuck my life. i am so alone.

time for a cigarette

hopefully my mind wont keep me up with all these questions tonight

I am so sick :(

If this is really the end. I don't want it to be. We have so many unresolved things, so many things to do, so many subjects we have yet to talk about, so many unexpressed feelings of love, lust, longing, and all of the above. And I want to do them all with you and no one else. I am scared to admit that I am single. I am scared to say that I don't have you anymore. I wish you could help me sleep when I am tired like before. It was easier back then. It was organic. Why can't you see how much I want you and this? 

I am scared and I don't know which direction I should go in. I do not want to step in the wrong path and lose what little I have of you. I want to stay good for you, even if I feel like you're not doing the same... I don't know it is just a big worry of mine of course. If only I was as tired and as happy as yesterday. Hold my hand and let me lay on your chest again please. My request is so small. 

I am so sick and I wish you could help take care of me :( everything really does hurt. My ears, eyes, throat, my body. Please comfort me. 

"Love is not a mistake... I can't go find someone new because I am always thinking of her." - Neil Hilborn

Mr. Serious

Ohh man. Please put me out of my misery or I will. Please make it stop. Please. I can't. I can't anymore. It's going to happen soon. I can feel it. I don't care anymore. It maybe selfish but it is what I know is the right thing to do. 

i just cant

i swear if this is real. i dont know what i would do... i dont think i could even sleep tonight anymore. wow this is worse than anything i really have ever felt before. it is just a sharp pain everywhere and i dont know what to do about it. It just hasn't gone away since then. 

wow the true intentions really come out now. FUCK. i just want to punch people in their faces. damn, this amount of shadiness for this subject is too much to bare. i am seriously pissed the fuck off right now. i have no need to write it all in some sort of poetical script and all that bullshit. i am pissed off. i fucking hate all of this bryan. i hate this. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. I HATE THIS. i am so fuckin alone. death seems better than going through this.

my head hurts...

i wish i kissed you more. i wish i would have held you tighter or held your hand longer or even stared at that gorgeous smirk every time it suddenly graced your face. oh man, i hate the fact that my happiness is mainly intertwined with and dependent on you. i want to do you good, i want to make you happy. that is what i do. that is what i am good at. please come back.

night terrors

i thought about investing in strong sleeping pills so during this time of the night my thoughts will never catch up with me again. i rather stop thinking about it all and just revisit the "old us" in my dreams. in my dreams it is the easiest way to have you again.

i can feel the stress taking its toll on my body. once i had gotten home from all my errands today, i couldnt handle all this pretending and over exaggerated laughing and smiling, i literally had gotten sick. i threw up from all this stress in my chest. i want to run to you so you could help make it better but i know you don't want me too close. i want to seem less pathetic as i am right now but i really can not help my nature. i can not easily pretend i am okay and happy. there will always be apart of me that wants to literally end it all because of how much i hurt when weening you out of my life.

i saw you come through the doorway with a collective posture. your eyes scanned the room and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. "oh fuck," i said as i pushed my face down into my centers of my palms. my heart ached harder as i looked up and you finally saw me. "how awkward, fuck my life," i muttered under my breath. I put my hand up to wave not so much to say hello but to finally say "I am here, please notice me again..." I took a long look at you and my body clenched up. You look so different in the light, so different from what I was actually getting use to recently. A slumped dark figure in my room. But here you are now. new jacket. new shirt. oh i thought you looked so handsome and there i was in my reused rags of the day. i just wanted to stand up and run to you, hug you from underneath your new jacket and have you tell me that you have missed me as much as i have missed you. i snapped myself from my daydream to do the proper thing to just get up and hug you to say hello.

i am so jealous that they get to see and talk to you freely and here i am begging for some sort or any sort of contact in which you would just simply acknowledge me again. i never liked this restriction between us, especially when you hold all of the power of the restriction. its just i dont know what to do anymore, i feel as tho i am waiting for you to come back and sweep me up from this night terror. i just want everything back to normal. this is killing me bryan, all of this is making me feel like i am slowly slipping away. kill me...

...

That's it. I can't take it at all anymore. It all ends tonight. Goodbye.

My thoughts are all over the place.

I don't know how much more of this I could take. I feel so alone, just so afraid. I have come to so many realizations that I want to tell you about but yes, it is too late for you to listen. All my pleading and questions for you grow by the minute. Maybe this is just my pathetic attempt to try to talk to you in hopes that you will change your mind. My fear is that you are happier the way this is. I have this great feeling as if you like me on the ground begging for you. Is this my punishment? If it is, how much longer to I have to suffer?

One fact still remains steady. I am waiting for some sort of miracle.

2014

Never mind everything I guess. I get it. I get everything. I get what's going on. This is how it is from now on. This is how you want it. Okay. Okay. Don't need to tell me twice. I am sorry for being so annoying. I am sorry for being not what you want me to be. I'll step back. I will be what you want me to be ... I'll give you your space. I am sorry for everything. I hope you contact me soon I guess... Sigh.  Okay. Goodbye for now (hopefully) Bryan.