bipolar talk

so my best friend calls me up and tells me about the fight she had between her and her boyfriend. she talks about how they would argue and scream at each other in public. she kept describing about how they always fight and argue because they were fighting to be with one another. it this whole thing goes on and on without any room for myself to interject with a comment or even a little "mhm." five minutes into the one sided conversation her boyfriend calls her and she says her goodbyes and hangs up the phone. i never said a word. and there i was laying in bed with my phone in my hand a earbuds in my ears and i was alone again. i could not call up my loved one for him to chase this heart breaking feeling away. i was alone, mute, and jealous. 

______________________________

it feels like i reach out too much to you only to have my hand slapped away each time. maybe one day soon i will learn my lesson. but for now it seems like you do not want to talk to me no matter how bad i want to talk to you and i get it. you do not want to get close to me again and that is you, that is how you work. it does not matter how hurt i am or anything because you are still hurting too. to make the right decision again you need time for yourself, time to make yourself fell better. For me though i still have this small hope in wishing on stars and on certain times or even collecting all the these "lucky" pennies and dimes so that one day we will be together and happy again, if not sometime soon then maybe later. although this hope is fading slowly i will still keep loving you no matter how much it hurts. i have to accept the fact that there is a great chance that you will not come back to me... fuck idk what i am saying anymore. i give up on this.

i cry every time i think about my birthday party. i wish i never even tried to plan it. fuck my life. i am so alone.

time for a cigarette

hopefully my mind wont keep me up with all these questions tonight