i can feel the stress taking its toll on my body. once i had gotten home from all my errands today, i couldnt handle all this pretending and over exaggerated laughing and smiling, i literally had gotten sick. i threw up from all this stress in my chest. i want to run to you so you could help make it better but i know you don't want me too close. i want to seem less pathetic as i am right now but i really can not help my nature. i can not easily pretend i am okay and happy. there will always be apart of me that wants to literally end it all because of how much i hurt when weening you out of my life.
i saw you come through the doorway with a collective posture. your eyes scanned the room and my heart dropped into the pit of my stomach. "oh fuck," i said as i pushed my face down into my centers of my palms. my heart ached harder as i looked up and you finally saw me. "how awkward, fuck my life," i muttered under my breath. I put my hand up to wave not so much to say hello but to finally say "I am here, please notice me again..." I took a long look at you and my body clenched up. You look so different in the light, so different from what I was actually getting use to recently. A slumped dark figure in my room. But here you are now. new jacket. new shirt. oh i thought you looked so handsome and there i was in my reused rags of the day. i just wanted to stand up and run to you, hug you from underneath your new jacket and have you tell me that you have missed me as much as i have missed you. i snapped myself from my daydream to do the proper thing to just get up and hug you to say hello.
i am so jealous that they get to see and talk to you freely and here i am begging for some sort or any sort of contact in which you would just simply acknowledge me again. i never liked this restriction between us, especially when you hold all of the power of the restriction. its just i dont know what to do anymore, i feel as tho i am waiting for you to come back and sweep me up from this night terror. i just want everything back to normal. this is killing me bryan, all of this is making me feel like i am slowly slipping away. kill me...
