secret

i cant stop thinking . . . i want to run into your arms and cry out to and for you so bad but im so afraid to. everything is getting to be so rough but i just dont know why i cant tell you these things, anymore. how could i be so afraid to let everything go in front of my own boyfriend?

i need you so bad . . . i need my boyfriend

take a deep breath

You don’t want him talking to her because you know she’s pretty, you’re scared that she might be more of his type, you’re assuming that he’ll lose feelings for you & gain them for her, you’re thinking that when he’s not talking to you, he’s talking to her. You dislike how when you guys have problems, he’ll run to her, tell her & she’ll seem to understand him better than you do & you’re scared that he’s gonna leave you for her.

"to forgive but never forget," i can't forget the things that have taken place in the past even though i wish i could. THIS is what has been going through my mind for the longest time. i always want to tell you this but i either get all choked up or i know you will get upset if i bring a subject such as this one up to you. so i hold it in and revert back to trying to be in the moment with you. bottom line is i dont want to lose another boyfriend this way.

it is so hard trying not to revert back to being that ol' negative and pessimistic person that i was before. i just have my moments of weakness; i just can't help it. every action has a reaction and now i am more scared to lose you now than ever . . .

Waldeinsamkeit

(German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.

i want an escape for a while into the sunlight and summer/autumn air. just some time to myself to step back to walk around and just let myself wander without worrying about when i have to get back or where i am even going. i just want my ipod in one hand, water in the other and just leave behind the constant anxiety. i wish with every step that i take i forget all the negative things that i have come upon in my life. i promise that i will take in the beauty that this earth has come to create and appreciate all the blessings that sprung up. let me close my eyes to listen to the bees fly by, feel the crunch of leaves underneath me and just submerge myself into the moment. i want some time to relax and not care about anything but me and my happiness. i want to find a way to please me.

im hungry

Haruki Murakami

“I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself.”

this is the feeling i can never put into words. this is that lost feeling late at night that i ponder about right before i drift off into sleep. it is a good feeling to know that at least i am really not that alone in the end.

blowing off some esteem

no matter how happy i am right now this always finds a way to creep back into my life. for the past couple days ive been getting back into that mood again of feeling as though i am not good enough, particularly feeling as though i am not pretty enough. how typical right? a girl with self esteem issues. i dont know, sometimes i wish i had a better body, had a prettier smile, and was flat out gorgeous. i know i am not ugly and i know i am not beautiful either. i am somewhere in the middle, the place where there is always room for more improvements.

i know this may come off as something stupid and people may think i am just complaining/seeking attention but this is really how i feel. a couple people may call me pretty but i honestly dont see it. all i see is "room for improvement." insert bigger breasts here, exchange these eyes, fix that stomach, adjust that smile, take away that blundering attitude, hmmm lets just erase all of this and redo everything, shall we?

you know those girls who dont even need to put make up or fix their hair, basically some girl with fuckin swag. i wish i was her. confidence emanating from her as she walks into the room. she can talk up a storm in any situation so she isnt awkward. she is always fun, loving, and being insecure with herself is the last thing on her mind. she can go out with her friends when she wants to and she is down right funny when she does. i wish i was her . . .

Meraki

here you go, you knew it was coming and now its here:

"which one is the closest star?" he whispered to me as we laid down on our make shift bed. there was only a pink towel that depicted Hanna Montana's face and logo that was between us and the soil underneath. it surprised me; in all my life of living here i havent seen this many stars in the city before this very night. with that infinite feeling overwhelming every part of my body, i gazed up at each bright star looking for the answer to your question. "that one because it's the brightest, i guess?" pointing up to the wayward sky, hoping to the heavens that i got the answer right so i would not look like some fool in front of him. "nope" he was quick in his reply back to me and i was just left there confused and wondering to myself: how would you even know? he then pulled my chin up to look at his smirking face, like he had all those times before when we were first going out and said "youre the closest star." i lit up like gasoline and sparks flew ecstatically from my chest crossing over to my finger tips causing my arm to wrap around his body tight. it is funny because with my hair disheveled, make up all a mess, basically half naked, and dirt all over i have never felt so beautiful in my life as i did in this moment. i closed my eyes to let my other senses bathe in this feeling as well.

"i just saw a shooting star" he told me. jealously, i rapidly opened my eyes and positioned my head back up to the night sky. "i always wanted to see one!" i exclaimed my feelings to him. with that being said a small flash of white light drew itself across the sky. i felt like i was eight years old again, pretending i was a little princess in a Disney movie, wishing on stars, and knowing they will come true. i closed my eyes tight and wished with all my heart. "there you go," he said "your first shooting star, and it was with me." i could hear the sense of accomplishment he withing the pauses of his voice like he was the one who plucked the star from its place and immediately dragged it from one side of the universe to the other just for me. we laid there taking in the cold air and drinking up each other's delicious company. all of this within a span of an hour; i didnt want to be anywhere else but there.

during the wee hours of the morning we both starred in out own version of a Disney film. i am Ariel, the mermaid wanting to see the outside world and he is Prince Eric who guided my feet to a land i have never been before. i was his Jasmine and he was my Aladdin, the street rat. i am still Meg, the girl afraid to love again and he is Hercules the hero who changed her perspective of all men.

christopher

i still think about you from time to time. i wonder whether or not you would still laugh at the same jokes, listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, have the same dreams, smoke the same cigarettes (even though i would so totally yell at you for it) if you were still here. i wonder if you would be happy right now.

its been so long now since i have seen your actual face. i dont really remember your laugh anymore. i cant hear your voice in my head at all. its all so hazy, like you are just part of a dream that i never wanted to forget. but in time, like everything else, i feel as though am going to forget every detail of you all together. i am so afraid that.

every time i listen to that song, i cant help but to miss you. chills run up my arms and then i start to tearing up. "dont feel bad for me, i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i really want to go. there is another world. there is a better world. there must be." haha you picked the perfect song for me to remember you by, didnt you? you knew me all so well that i had a need for constant reassurance and with this song you had an idea that its too perfect for the likes of me. in your little ways you still let me know that you are okay. i try not to be needy after this song but still on top of everything i miss you. i do wish i could see you one more time just to remember you at least a bit better than i do now.

i hope where ever you are, you still remember me.

THESONG

i am so stupid

im just so angry with myself that i dont know what to do. i have told you what he said to me and our whole conversation. there was no lying or any stretching of the truth. i had told you everything about that short 5 minute conversation. but still it doesnt matter how long i talked to him or how much of it i told you. i still talked to someone you dislike a lot and i am trying to understand how you still feel about him. (lowkey though i thought you were in a way okay with him now. gosh what was i thinking?! even if you were somewhat okay with him doesnt mean i should do what i did. fuckin aye, fuck fuck fuckin aye, look at me beating myself up again.) i know you hate picturing anything about my past and i shouldnt have talk to him to have you bring that picture up in your mind again.

i really dont know what else to say but "i am sorry that i talked to him, christian is part of the past that i will never forgive. he is just the past and no matter what happen with him before, i rather it not bother to you at all because he is nothing to me, and you are everything. you are in this relationship with me now, and frankly i want NOTHING to do with him. i dont ever want a ride from him, any my feelings for him, or anything about him to come back. in the end of the day is his still scum to me, no matter how nice he tries to act. i know i messed up by replying back but trust me when i say that small conversation with christian was nothing to me but answering a question and of course i have to bring you up to him, and hopefully, in due time, you will feel as though it is nothing as well. frankly, i hope that you see that no matter what happened in any of my relationships in the past, you should not let it interfere with our relationship today." mmmm i guess that is how i would of liked to be comforted if this type of thing happened to me? yet i still know how you feel about me talking to him and how you hate it so much more than i can imagine. and i know you are not like me in this department and all of that didnt really do anything to make you feel better and so i suppose from past experience only time and being busy with your friends can make you feel better.

i just hope after you have your time away . . . we can go back to being happy together again. i think that is what is killing me the most. i always mess up like this when were doing so good, i had a bad feeling about it. then i end up beating myself up for everything, crying a lot, and just reverting to that stage of being more stressed out than before. that is why i was crying so much last night, i dont want us to go back to what happen in the past, to where you would talk to me less and less with your short answers and i seemed more like someone you just had to deal with day in and out to please than a girlfriend, your girlfriend. we have been though so much happiness that this week to the point where it had been one of the best in months. i mean i was really happy with you and surely you were feeling the same way about me. i just dont want this to blow up in our faces and set us to back track through all the bad times again.

please dont let us go back