im just so angry with myself that i dont know what to do. i have told you what he said to me and our whole conversation. there was no lying or any stretching of the truth. i had told you everything about that short 5 minute conversation. but still it doesnt matter how long i talked to him or how much of it i told you. i still talked to someone you dislike a lot and i am trying to understand how you still feel about him. (lowkey though i thought you were in a way okay with him now. gosh what was i thinking?! even if you were somewhat okay with him doesnt mean i should do what i did. fuckin aye, fuck fuck fuckin aye, look at me beating myself up again.) i know you hate picturing anything about my past and i shouldnt have talk to him to have you bring that picture up in your mind again.i really dont know what else to say but "i am sorry that i talked to him, christian is part of the past that i will never forgive. he is just the past and no matter what happen with him before, i rather it not bother to you at all because he is nothing to me, and you are everything. you are in this relationship with me now, and frankly i want NOTHING to do with him. i dont ever want a ride from him, any my feelings for him, or anything about him to come back. in the end of the day is his still scum to me, no matter how nice he tries to act. i know i messed up by replying back but trust me when i say that small conversation with christian was nothing to me but answering a question and of course i have to bring you up to him, and hopefully, in due time, you will feel as though it is nothing as well. frankly, i hope that you see that no matter what happened in any of my relationships in the past, you should not let it interfere with our relationship today." mmmm i guess that is how i would of liked to be comforted if this type of thing happened to me? yet i still know how you feel about me talking to him and how you hate it so much more than i can imagine. and i know you are not like me in this department and all of that didnt really do anything to make you feel better and so i suppose from past experience only time and being busy with your friends can make you feel better.
i just hope after you have your time away . . . we can go back to being happy together again. i think that is what is killing me the most. i always mess up like this when were doing so good, i had a bad feeling about it. then i end up beating myself up for everything, crying a lot, and just reverting to that stage of being more stressed out than before. that is why i was crying so much last night, i dont want us to go back to what happen in the past, to where you would talk to me less and less with your short answers and i seemed more like someone you just had to deal with day in and out to please than a girlfriend, your girlfriend. we have been though so much happiness that this week to the point where it had been one of the best in months. i mean i was really happy with you and surely you were feeling the same way about me. i just dont want this to blow up in our faces and set us to back track through all the bad times again.
please dont let us go back
