swallowed thoughts and a bunch of neverminds

maybe if i was... if i had... maybe then youll see me the way i see you,

...amazing.

 

its all for you, i just want you to see me like how i see you. im trying. im trying so hard to be better.

Giving Thanks

Please Lord don't let any of this stop. Thank you Lord for the amazing past couple of days. I am actually happy right now. For the first time in a long time I feel at peace and I feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Please lord don't let any of this go away.

Prayer

One of the worst days ever. Wishes don't come true. I should know that by now. It's always these trips to Texas .... I wanna just sleep. I wanna forget. I wish I never said anything at all... I shouldn't have said anything. Please God help me to forget. Please God help me through all of this.

Pleae God help me stop crying. 

I was weak. I'm sorry. 

Heated.

I am seriously not happy. No one takes the time to listen and understand. They are all just think that what they know is right and nothing else can change that. Their reasoning is too fucking flawed. There is no respect for the other person's feelings nor title. In the end it just makes each action rude and intolerable. I guess nothing is going to change. Nothing. I'm so fucking frustrated with this all. 

relapse

i cant sleep at all. i am completely bothered... i am completely hurt. i just want to cry. variables cant help but completely change with the help of time. then all these changes start to add up until you dont even know what youre reading anymore.

i relapsed in my diet this past couple days.

i feel so ugly and gross.

no wonder why this....

To You

you probably heard me say these things many times before but im just trying to get through to you:

you can accomplish more than you think. all the materials that you need to do so are already close at hand. you just have to gather all your strength to find a way to break through the negativity and put downs to actually take that first plunge. it will be scary at first but no one has ever achieved anything great inside their comfort zone. and even if you dont succeed the first time, chances are that the next time around it will improve from there. the stress of the unknown will melt away and you will find yourself in a better place than you were before hand.
when i had taken that first plunge, i did not know what to even do. walking around in circles, i was incredibly lost and had so many doubts about everything. thinking about it all, the whole process of talking to new and different people on things i didnt even know about was too overwhelming for me. i seriously hate talking to people that i didnt even know. in my head i just wanted to stay home, forget it all, and bury myself in something else to keep my mind off the subject. i guilt tripped myself into thinking that nothing good would come to this and that i would feel worse off than before because i truly believed that i wasnt good enough or that i would never stand out in a big group. my that is when i found my first glimmer of hope, a definite call back. good things can happen randomly when you least expect it all.
i believe in you fully. you can do great things, please believe and trust yourself on that.

 ___________________

with school it is completely different. it may look like i have it all together but i really fucking dont. to tell you the truth, i honestly suck at school. sometimes i dont even go because im too stressed out with all the homework, tests, and quizzes. i feel like all this information is being shoved down my throat so fast that i dont even have time to i cant even comprehend it all. even now, i am suppose to be studying for my math test that i will have later today but im here writing out this.
i hate school. i feel so behind in my classes. i feel like im going to be at this damn school forever. i dont think i even have good enough grades to transfer. my parents keep asking me when will i have enough credits to transfer out and i keep changing the subject or putting this question off for later. this is one of my biggest stressors.... i always just feel like staying at home and crying whenever i think about it.
there you go, this is one of my biggest secrets. youre not the only one stressing about school baby. youre not the only one scared who doesnt have a big plan for the future. i am so hesitant in taking the next step in school, i always wish everything was planned out for me just to make it easier. i feel horrible giving you advice about school that i never fucking follow. it makes me feel like such a loser... gosh i feel like i need help. like a lot of help.
i dont know what im really trying to get at here but well i just want you to know that youre seriously not alone in this. im just as scared as you and possibly even more. i would like to think that there are more lost people somewhere in the world than us and it kind of makes me feel better (in a mean way). i pray that everything will find a way to work out in time.

eroded

washed away, i have lost my voice again. swallowed down and filtered. 

tomorrow will be better.

tomorrow ill make it all better.

breathe.
try again tomorrow.

FUCK

and there it was again and again and again. sweet never lingers on my taste buds for long and i am use to the bitter. a feeling of utter disgust engulfs me and i have yet so many unanswered questions stuck within the crevices of my teeth. filtered out phrases and crooked smiles pass right on through while a rumbling sea of anger rages against the barriers of my imagination. how long must the silent watch before it erodes away with their mind's tide?

fuckin aye fuck fuckin fuck

i cant even breathe

  

I Just Want to Get Away

i am so tired and i want something new. even if i have to go through it all alone i honestly will be fine with it. i often have these vivid fantasies of saving up all my money and just buying a plane ticket to a place so far away from here. but, with all the responsibilities of school, family, and whatnot, am i just trying to run away from it all? i can not cope with stress at all. maybe i just need to drive somewhere far for a little bit to get that new perspective on life. maybe i have to come to terms with how unsatisfied i am with where i am in life right now.

the beginning

and so it begins. i can feel all these hormones raging inside of me and i am not happy. i mean who could be happy when they are trying to fight a war within themself? for the past couple hours i have been trying to resist falling into some kind of depression again. the only way i can clearly describe it is if i compare this whole thing to like watching a slow motion car crash. you know whats going to happen, you know it is going to be bad, and you just cannot stop it. i have to sit back and try to let it run its course. so until then, my mind is spent from trying to find ways to occupy myself so i wont have to stop to worry, over analyze, and freak out about every detail. i am trying not to be helpless. i am actually trying to be strong because i hate being a burden but at this point in time i feel as though i do not have enough strength to pull myself out of this hole.

nonetheless there are real, actual things i try to say, like always, that i can not let out. it hurts a lot. it really hurts. theres nothing i can do though. it is what it is.

i dont like this feeling anymore

please save me

i just want to be happy again

 

the big question

it has never actually crossed my mind before but for the pass couple days i have been wondering if i even want to get married one day? i see what it has done to my parents. all they do is argue over the slightest things like papers being not where its suppose to be, a sudden change of voice, eating habits, and random other shit. then, it always escalates up to the same thing, them saying that they hate each other at the very end. they walk away from one another and mutter horrible things under their breath as they stomp their feet up and down the stairs. i dont want that. i dont want any of that. if that is how marriage is going to end up in the very end then i dont want to be apart of it. they do have their sparks of hope though. they make fun of one another and watch movies sometimes and for an hour or so they look like they are happy. That is the thing, they only look happy on the outside. For me, I don't want to rezent someone that I am suppose to be in love with for all time.
maybe it is just me? maybe i am just looking for some attention about this? or for something drastic to change my mind about this whole thing? but right now i seem to be on the fence about the subject. It is just a thought.

Soul Cool

I have been thinking a lot lately about maybe this is where it begins? I should definitely get use to it. I need to find ways to get my frustrations out. I need to get back to my roots. I use to be so open.

march again

i had another nightmare about you. i keep having these nightmares about you. i always wake up angry and then i begin to question things even more than i should. all in all, im not sure what it means. maybe its god's way of trying to tell me something like what happened before? i just do not know anymore. i hope it isnt that. i just really hope its nothing at all but my overreacting imagination. im tired. i wish i could sleep without these worries to knocking on my door. sigh, i just hope im making you happy.

__________

2AM knows me the best. it keeps all my secrets and wishes that i dare not to speak out loud. it knows what i yearn for and tries its best to hush my uncertainties. 3AM eases its way in to try to help lull me to sleep, making my eyes heavy while my mind tries to fight off its advances. i give in to 4AM and lay my distress over to it.

in the back of my mind i cant help but think,
 "its almost summer again...

im scared."