it's cool, i got it

i am a monster, i am a monster. i guess its the ghosts of the past that haunt you the most. the what if questions that startle the most courageous of minds.
oh past, i cant be in love with you anymore. goodbye. let me get back on my feet again and forget how much you have beat me up yesterday. where should i go from here you say? well im dating the future, arent you jealous?

honestly

i dont know what to say in this blog. its like damn a lot has happen since the last time i posted anything up.

well anyways, i am now 17. looking for something better in life, something to make me better. oh the choices and roads i have traveled to get me where i am now. eff my life. shits soooo slow.

i wish you could have seen the lights, sounds, and felt taste with me in the city of lost angels. i dont even know if that was right but oh well MY BLOG MY RULES.

heres my recap of my year. boy "G" ill find you and kill you some day. boy "C" youre gonna get your dick cut off for what youve done to me and all the other girls. boy "Z" whatever fuck you, you were never good enough anyways, lying sack of shit. boy "B" im still in love with you.

ok then for the year without the boys. i have lost friends, found friends, lost friends again. learned what i want and what others what of me. i realized what they thought of me and what i should think of my self at that point. there has been nights where ive screamed my heart out for a person to come back and had it placed back in by the softest and warmest of hands. ive been beaten down physically and mentally and i have still come out with wisdom. i had my share of bad cake that made me through up what i never needed in the first place. ive been in and out of love and back in again. others have held my hand all the way and others were absent for months now. scars have healed and friendship bracelets are placed over them, while the best friends buy clothes and shoes to cover wounds all up. ive worn down shoes, worn others down as well, worn other peoples clothing, worn down myself. but then in time i buffed myself back up to the shining me that i always try to see in the mirror. i am yin and yang, the good and the bad, the "i guess" moments, those i dont know what to say anymore person, that girl who still doesnt know what to do. i have grown up though, i can tell you that.

Dear Anonymous,

i guess it is cause you never look at anything through my eyes. yea i am still young but it does not mean that i do not know anything. one can learn by experience, but you would not know of what i have been going though would you? i have been thinking a lot lately about us and our relationship that could of been. it was the second coming that i guess messed everything up. growing up i felt pushed aside because of it but i could not ever tell you that because, i know you, you were gonna say that you did not try to sweep me under the rug. alas how can you not realize this? i showed you my first but you were too busy to notice. i tried to find you my best and you did not see it fit. i guess i am like that bastard child, that black sheep in the back that you try to avoid again and again. i craved for those eye to eye moments that you have still with the second coming, yet i want it on my level. i want you to understand where i am truly coming from. i know i ask of too much. i know i have been jealous, a sin yet again, of every other heart to heart relationship out there. thinking of what ours could of been. then again, i will always keep quiet, dreaming, wishing, wanting, for you to see me as something visible once more. i do not have a voice in your domain, for its has been shot down too many times to be counted properly. this is the real reason why my voice is harsh and raspy towards yours. it is still healing. its jagged exterior is louder than the real interior that is screaming out for you to just hand over a touch of warmth. it is not out of hate or of spite just in the lack of . . .


i complain

6 MONTHS

at this time it was for those who never will probably understand until something comes up to smack them in the face about it. it is not magic, it is reality here to wrestle you back down to the surface of the earth. for no one is just so high and mighty to pressure one onto believing that they can reach such of heaven's heights of standards. but then when that one person tries and falls short to reaching for a star that they have all the confidence in getting, one gets shunned, burned by the sun, and tossed around the moons pull.

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it was the heat of the moment, "crunch time" (LMAO thanks osos) i suppose you can say. one word FINALS. damn them to hell. something worth 15% for 3 full days each subject around 2 hours each of white noise and the sound of brains thinking. oh the stress it can give on a teen at this age.

on the plus side for one of my finals i got to take off my clothes :]

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today was my 6th month of going out with bryan. haha something to light up the day LITERALLY on the finals. i remember a few months back looking forward to this day! and right now its totally surreal. half a year. i feel like such a girl thinking about this. it is something to celebrate for most relationships do not care to last this long. i know others who are still trying to get over their 2 month ones from last year. -_______- thank goodness for ours lasting this long. heres to 6 months and more to come.

life couldnt get any sweeter at this point. here he was about to walk home, kissing me in at my front door. he held me tight, running his hands down my back and mine pulling at his jacket tight. it was slow at first, then a sudden CLICK and a glow shown though my closed eyes. we both had our sudden stop to look around. the christmas lights switched on for a sudden mood setter. thanks for the perfect timing :] it was a sign.

. . .

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there." - bob marley

L is for the way you LOOK at ME

ok well here is a recap (im sooooo sorry if this is going to be long) of what happen throughout my break:
well as you see i am the type of girl excited about a relationship and of course i would be "lost without you" (robin thicke suck it) well damn this thanksgiving in Vegas without my boyfriend was horrible. but alas i filled the void with food (of course) and black friday. thank god for shopping right?
so heres a story from that day . . . well my 2 cousins (kc and josh) and i were the type never to wake up early for something that we plan to do the night before. the other times before we would always plan to play tennis, go out running, simply work out, or to watch pokemon when we were kids.
well in the weeeeeee hours of the morning, basically 3:30 AM is the time we set our clocks to wake up at. this time was so, as girls, we can shower, look pretty, get all our make-up on, and as a guy can shower and basically straighten hair for.
damn we failed. at 3:30 the alarm went off. i woke up and tried to wake up kc. nothing was accomplished and so i went back to sleep. till THANK GOODNESS my aunt (josh's mom) came to our makeshift bed on the floor. we left the house around 7 -_____- fail fail FAIL. but many good things came out of it. to my amazment and surprise there was a $3 coffee maker. the cutest coffee maker you will ever see. so petite! and forever 21 or should i say FOREVER XXI? HAHA. i love shopping


ok i will forever mark this day on my calender as LEVEL 2. i guess there are 3 levels in the LOVE GAME (lady gaga) first level is asking the person out. second is saying that youre in love with him/her. third is asking them to marry you. he did it. he said it. he finally said it. ok stephenie mayer fail again:

so there and then i felt like he had the power to slowed everything down in that instant. with that just one whisper of my name i had my beliefs that something bad had happen but i could not think of what. these negative questions felt like needles that one by one raced through my heart. "something was definately wrong," i told myself. i did not know what was going to happen so i braced myself to speak "yes?" he gracefully took his hand, rapped it around the side of my face, and moved his lips closer to my ear to hear him whisper. it was 5 words. simple words. and this would be the first time i would hear it this closely, this gently, this perfectly. "im in love with you." just a whisper but made the biggest imprint on my heart and i melted. i felt love as he pulled back to see my reaction.
love, this is it, in its purest form. these few seconds felt like hours of thinking. it was beautiful as i looked into his eyes, i couldnt stop. this was much more than what everyone has told me, the movies were telling the truth, love is real.
from there on out i felt cleansed, the only word to truely describe it all is "infinate." it was like finding the perfect song to drive to. the beats were on point with the scenery, the lyrics fit your mood, and for once in your life you were truely satisfied.
cloud 9 is what they would call it back in the day. described by the drug users, this was to be a euphoric trace without the drugs. but yet i was under the influence. a substance that not many people feel. it is a first time thing to feel. to slide into this state of mind where possiblities seemed endless and nothing can finally hurt you.

Bad Blood

maybe it is just me? i guess im forcing myself to look for something that isnt there? should i still feel this way? maybe theyre too comfortable with the title that they dont revert back to what i was comfortable with. its like theyre slipping away . . .
but then again they shouldnt always be doing what i want them to do. i do not want to sophicate if i was in their position. i blame the origin, i blame my condition, i blame the bad air going around now.

oh i tried :P

oh to be disconnected. i blame the female anatomy of this feeling or maybe my wild anxiety or i shouldnt blame anything else but myself. ha i always result in blaming myself, how sad.
now a days i feel mute, as if i have everything to say but nothing comes out. oh gosh complaining again ill stop.

for the past few days ive been woken up the most amazing way. haha it sounds cheezy but im a girl and of course its like edward cullen status you know; melting when you hear it. eff jacob. (BTW new moon movie comes out at 12 tonight, for those lucky bastards who are gonna go camp out to see it) lmao ima go all stephenie mayer on this part for shits and giggles:
i breathed him in lightly. i didnt care for the world around me right at that moment. chills ran from my thighs to the tips of my fingers as he squeezed me tighter, and i melted.
breathed him in again as if this one would be the last time. it was the kind of scent, the kind of heat that you can stay in for days. thats when i wanted to scoot closer but he did that for me, entangling his legs with mine as if they were roots and i was the soil he would get nourishment from. organic. he opened his eyes, there his gaze caught mine and i was caught speechless. i wanted to say something perfect but i didnt want to speak a word to ruin the moment.
oh his eyes, these brown eyes, that somehow seem different from all the other synthetic boyish eyes ive seen. its funny to look into it, their not just brown, theres a darker ring around it and inside it was lighter that made my heart fluttered, then skipped a beat, then proceeded to beat even faster although everything was calm.
how could i ever fall asleep looking at him? a revelation overcame me, i knew what to say. still pertaining to the rules of not speaking a word, i mouthed to him "youre perfect." i closed my eyes and rested myself even closer between his neck and his chin. i knew in his head he would be modest and say "no, not at all." its the type of person hes grown to be. this sly modesty, i wish he could realized how much that meant to me.
i cant say where the time when from there. it could of been an hour? but i swear it wasnt. a few minutes? no too short. thirty minutes atleast? i have no idea. but what i do know of is that i woke up to kisses. he wasnt being courteous of the sound he made while doing this either. "MUAH" to my nose, "MUAH!" to my cheek, "MUAH muah MUAH" to my other cheek, it did not stop until he had covered my face. half asleep, i didnt want him to stop, alas i wanted to sleep to for the laziness can take the better of me at times. hahahahahahahaahahahahahahahah i fail i being stephenie :/

poly started up again. mayn we have to do a 30 minute preformance for lunch one day. oh god practice makes perfect . . . but i have no legs. the inside jokes made between the school hours.


sorry for the boyfriend story again. :/ im a bore, i know.

9:35

you lied to me. how could you?

Vent

it wasnt the brightest of all days. the potential throwing up at 4 AM (damn costco meat never gonna eat you again) to guilt trips that cockblock blindly. too tired, too sick, too hungry. i think im getting fatter by the day. thanks food you dont need to be that good tasting :/


there are things i have to get off my chest today. it has been urking me for quite a while that you dont know what youre doing at all.

ok this is to you anonymous person:
i know were good friends but you need to know when to stop. sometimes its just too much for me to handle. i am all ears for listening to you vent, but like everyone else sometimes you need to learn how to deal with your problems head on and alone. this may sound harsh but youre not a baby anymore, there will be times when it is only going to be you and only you. sort things out. take things step by step. be rational. think of others. use morals. something better. stop WHINING. there are some sort of bullet points to live your life by.
sweetheart there are other ways to deal with what youre going though. yes this does sound mean as well but i dont know how to say this to you. there are other kids in this world going though the exact same thing. yes, yes, it doesnt make the hurting period any shorter or hurt any less than it does now.
this world is a harsh and we all have to bulk up fast to train ourself for it. people will get mad at you, parents will fight, friends become distant. your atittude does not help at all between this. all of what you say and how you say it has a consiquence. it can make people think differently of you and have this perspective of "wow this person is really immature." carry yourself at a higher level than that. have confidence.
on top of all of this learn your place. im trying to be a good friend and a girlfriend at the same time. yes, youre more than a good friend at times thank you for that. but if you remembered from the past, its the littlest things that make the most impact. look at the littlest things you do please. you should learn not to butt into things or take them like you own it. a thing called manners are still required here.


thinking about all of this, i think i need a break from you for a while. just to recollect myself. to make this negativity that i have about you just slide away. i need to be over it. i cant tell you this in person. i couldnt never gather enough courage to do this all by myself.

FIRST POST: Simplicity

i always wanted a blog, not for school purposes but for me. ahhh what a great way to keep a diary. i guess this is another form of communication again along with my youtube (in which i barley use), twitter (i love you), myspace, flickr, my phone (my babii) and yada yada. soooo here i go.

baby you my everything, you all i ever wanted . . . oh Erika David, persuade me :]
today i had this run in with a guy. its not what a person would actually think. laugh laugh laugh right? we laughed about our culture and how Filipino families are practically all the same. yeeee yeee you know its true. i guess it is the simplest things in life that make you completely happy. we laughed around about our lolas cleaning and how their cooking was always the best, how PACQUIAO WON ON SATURDAY, and the ever so known fact that our eardrums are damaged from all the "talking" they do. oh goodness how you should of seen us laughing till we cried, we didnt care if it was the quietest class in the world we just busted out. oh the simplest things.

speaking of the simplest things. you know when you get a handfull of hand sanitiser, rub it all over your hands and move around your hands while they are still wet? it feels completely cold. oh the alcohol like this makes me happy. i was at costco with my boyfriend and my parents and for that good ol' sanitary use and there it was a big plastic bottle reading "HAND SANITISER." my boyfriend and i couldnt help ourselves. we waved our hands in the air to catch that cool cool breeze that went through our fingertips. yes, many people stared at us, i guess they couldnt see that we were a couple just happy to spend time with each other and impressed by the smallest everyday objects. boy, do i love him.

lmao i guess im a bit childish to think all these things as something completely out of whack. maybe today im just giddy and bubbly. whatever it is, please dont stop.