Life is Good

*knock on wood*

this week at a glance

for the past couples days ive been loving my time with you. i dont want to jinx anything but i love us. youve been so good to me. the little things you do and say to me have been making me so happy.

Late Sunday night: we talked about our life together. it was one of those nostalgic talks about the future, marriage, the past, and how we come to be today. we talked about how we will never know who we will marry. it is pretty bittersweet knowing and accepting the fact that we will eventually break everything off to find the "one" and that person will most likely not be you. its that accepting that concept part that killed us for a split second. it was a sudden realization to what is to come and it was comforting to know that we felt the same way about it: upset but we just wanted one another to be happy . . . even though i hoped that your future girl would be fat :P

we have grown up so much since we first starting going out. in a way we both are still different: you are a realist and i am still a dreamer. i told you that in the past i tried to be a realist like you so i wouldnt get hurt as much but you reassured me that i shouldnt and that i should just be myself because thats how i am most comfortable.

you told me that you wished that you can feel the same way as i do about our relationship. i could hear your breaths on the other line become dimmer and dimmer. i could hear how upset you are through your tone of voice. i stated to cry like always right? ive had the same wish for the longest time but to hear your confess that you want the same thing as i do, i couldnt help it. i needed to cry. it always comforts me to know that you feel the same way. its a breath of fresh air and a reminder of the fact that you do still care about me and our relationship.

i fell asleep that night to the comforting sounds of your breath and rustling of blankets from the other end of the phone.

Monday morning texts:

Me: What time are you coming babe?
You: Real soon cutie pie :]
Me: Hehehe okie dokie baby
You: Okay just wait cutie butt
Me: Iight bubble butt

you took care of me without any if's, and's, or but's this day. i was having woman troubles and you were there to massage them away. the cooling hands of comfort, always there when i need them. we had also watched a movie together. you could have simply finished the movie when i left to go back to school but you didnt. you waited for me patiently till i got back to your house so we can finish it together. you know those little things that make me happy, that attention to the details that always put a smile on my face, that was most certainly it.

Tuesday: it is those moments when were just rolling around your bed laughing and playing around with each other. just like in the movies you can definitely feel the love emanating from that room. im just there in your arms so delightfully happy and you pulling my bangs back with your hand. with your arm under my neck you reach over and to touch my forehead while we are play fighting. i realized that you were touching my "widows peak" area, i couldnt help but laugh so hard. (you know why haha) we spent the remaining time in the bed ya . . . haha

when we ate you had a silly idea of pretending like we were rich people. so we then proceeded eating at each of the long ends of the table. how proper of us right? these days with you give me so much hope for the next days to come.

Today: i woke up late to your text message saying that you were already on your way to my house. i didnt know that you actually took the bacon breakfast seriously. but then again, youre always serious about bacon. with disheveled hair and eye boogers still intact, i attempted to give you what i had promised late last night. even though the bacon was more burnt more than usual. you ate most of it while you showed me the choreo that you learned from the workshop the night before. i always love watching you dance. not only doesnt it make me proud of you because you are doing what you love to do but it honestly makes me even more happy to know that i am your girlfriend. you are such an amazing dancer, please dont ever sell yourself short about that.

its the little things like saying "okay hold my folder so you can look cute," actually holding hands while letting me swing it back and forth, or stepping on dried leaves with me that make my day ten times better than usual.

thank you so much for the food baby. it was DELISHHH. and i cant thank you enough for the past couple days, it really has changed my perspective of you and our relationship. this is what ive been needing. i hope one day soon you can feel a bit of what you have felt before because honestly baby when you do you will have that sigh of relief and you can feel the weight of the world come off your shoulders, i swear.

i love you baby.

Fighting for the Good

we are fighting to make things work.

a bit complex, if i dont say so myself.

my dad hugged me tight, kissed my forehead and told me "if you love one another you both will fight for what you believe in and you should believe in your relationship working out. all couples simply fight and that it is a natural thing to do, so i dont think you need to worry about anything. it will be a struggle but at the end of the day you should be the only person in his mind . . . sometimes the full moon can make people crazy and do things that they are not suppose to. you have your times like that, i know he does too . . . all relationships, like plants, need a little mending and tending to from time to time and if you do not, you are gonna end up with handfuls of weeds and ugly shrubs in your relationship. but if you tend the relationship too much you are going to cause him to stray away from you even more. so give everything time to flourish and grow . . . you are an amazing girl and if he doesnt see that, its his loss. if he doesnt see that baby, hes crazy because you are the most beautiful girl in the world. and if that time comes when he does go, i will always be here for you . . . always baby."

thank you so much daddy. you are the best dad in the world. thank you for giving me these words that will certainly get me through the night.

i hope you are read this. i really hope you are not talking to some other girl on the phone tonight because i made you mad/annoyed of me and my unsettling feelings . . . :'[ please just dont confine to another girl.

it is the time of night when i miss you the most. i contemplate to myself what if i never brought that up, what would we be doing right now. i would probably be texting you right now, telling you how much i love you and i miss you. basically blowing up my phone with just you. i would tell you that i am willing to take care of my sick boyfriend, no matter if i get sick or not. you would call me cute names while i would giggle to them silently. i would save your texts on my phone so i can look back on them when i miss you and smile even more about how you are so sweet to me. we would be joking around with each other over the phone. id tell you random facts and what i did and saw that day. you would sing and rap to me and i would laugh at you when you would mess up a line. late at night i would be falling soundly asleep tonight to your guitar and not to the worries filling up my mind. and i will hear your faint voice say "i love you, goodnight. muah." through speakerphone.

sorry, i just really miss my boyfriend right now
i would do anything to talk to him
i cant help but to be so weak for him

you make me happy

you have been real concerned for me for the past couple days. it all started from the anonymous "questions" calling me a whore and a slut over and over again. you were there for me when i needed you. i cried and cried about what that person said to me till a fell asleep. thank goodness you logged onto my tumblr and saw it all. my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me. it was late saturday night when i picked up your call. i didnt want to bother you with what just happened but to my surprise you already knew what was going on. you comforted me and reminded me how much of a good person i really am. you seriously dont know how much that meant to me.

to cheer me up even more, we went on a date today. the first date in months and i hope there will be more to come. with back cramps i walked over to your house and we finished Mega Mind while you rubbed my aching muscles. from there it was jamba juice, forever 21, and picking up my daddy's bowl from color me mine. just walking around with you through the mall we joked around. called each other names. held hands. the works you know? the very last place where we finish off the day was at san sai. it was so great and filling. so many rolls, so much edamame, i still feel full. to top our luncheon off, you called me cute! i couldnt help but to light up. i love those moments with you when i can really feel like you love me. i dont know? maybe its just me and my happiness at the moment. but i was reminded of that fact that i still am your girlfriend.

when you were dropping me off i told you how insecure i was about her. how i didnt like that you laid down with her and that she hacks your phone like that. although im trying my hardest to be okay with everything, i just didnt want to be replaced by some other girl. i didnt want you to treat her as though she was your girlfriend and have history repeat itself. i told you that the guys can see it too. i was just worried of that. i wanted you to be aware of it all. before i got out of your car you reassured me though. she is just a friend and nothing more. you love me and no one would replace me. you took my hand and held it. a simple gesture of comfort coming from you.

and i love it. i love today. let it stay like this *knock on wood*

i wish i could tell you how im feeling right now

i want to tell you how hurt i am with out you brushing it off as just some other random complaint. i want you to see it through my eyes and realize whats going on. i want you to see how it actually looks like and how scared i am on the other side of this.
hopefully you can be receptive of the things i have to say. hopefully i could stop worrying about this, because baby for the past couple days ive felt so happy and i feel so good being with you. i mean like my perception of this relationship has changed for the better more than i thought it would in just a couple days. i dont want "this" to ruin it all.

love your one and only girlfriend,

shannen

sometimes

im really afraid to call you because i dont want to get shot down when you dont pick up my phone calls.

tomorrow is our 2 year 3 months

i wonder how this is gonna work out . . . . :/

nothing ever comes easily

i laid there still awake, 5 o'clock in the morning contemplating my next move and wishing that a wave of sleep would rush over my body. of course i was still in shock over what had happen a couple hours before hand. i play it over and over again in my head wishing that the next morning it would just magically be erased and i would have you a bit more happy again with me. but alas it wont be gone so easily.

i toss and turn on a bed full of insecurities, wishes, jealousy, and regret. thoughts clash together and a raging war in my mind goes off.

"why the fuck would you say that?"
"im sorry . . . i didnt mean to make him mad."

"dont you understand that he needs space?"

"yea, but i was just a little desperate. i cant just turn to someone else for help."

"you should have never even called him in the first place."

"i know, but i was really upset and i couldnt help but cry a lot."

"you fuckin cry about everything!!"

"i cant help but feel this way after everything that weve gone through in these past 2 weeks."
"so fuckin stupid!"
"yea . . . i know"

it goes back and forth like that. well not actually talking to myself but just beating myself up for doing that.

i really wish i didnt make you mad . . . i relle wish i could go out at night to make you happy. i wish i could stop feeling so broken. i wish i could just feel okay after what had happen last week, but i cant. nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy.

why do i feel so insecure right now?

:'[ help.

mommy and daddy

i wish my parents had a better relationship. my mom always picks fights and my dad always tries to make her happy. whenever my mom tries to walk away, he pulls her back to just try to kiss her as if one kiss can solve years of drifting apart.

i cant help but cry about this. i mean yea you kind of have to get use to it but once you actually realize whats happening . . . it is so heart breaking to see how much he tries to make her see how much he really loves her.

whenever i pray, i ask God to help my mom and my dad get closer to each other. sometimes he answers my prayers, other times it seems as though they really arent meant to be together.

i wish they can just meet each other half way.

i hate the moments before you go to sleep

you just toss and turn over the unresolved conflicts that had happen in the past. there are the things you wish you spoken out about and the other times when you wish you could of keep your mouth clamped shut. you reach back within yourself and let out the ugly and bad. anger and loneliness creeps into your mind to just say hi again. and then you realize that it is just you, by yourself, laying there hoping things will get better in the morning. now you just wish for dreams to carry you away from all your worries, all the bitterness, and negativity.

the flecks of gold in the sand

i just saw this post in my private posts on tumblr and i dont know? i guess it just made me really happy

"i sat there, the windows rolled down letting the warm summer air graze across my cheeks. my hair became completely frazzled as the wind played with each strand. next to you, i did what i would always do, stare out onto the the all so familiar trees and houses that always let the right amount of sunlight through them. these landmarks always gave off the feeling that this day was a great one and that there would be many more soon to come. i turned over to you with eyes wide and full of all the sincerity i could ever give another human being. rosy cheeked and eyes batting ever so gently, i became embarrassed. i soon realized that i could never love a person as much as i loved you, in this very moment. and of course, knowing me, i did not have the courage to tell you this myself. so instead i exchanged the verbal for a more physical language. my hand inched slowly over in your direction. finger tips slide over the back of your hand for it to whisper that i was there, then curves around to grasp it tight. our fingers interlock like a zipper and there on your right side, i still sit. there, on my left side, you are still driving me home"

its been eating at me for days

this has been a draft for about a week now:

there was a flicker of false hope. it was a kind of slight glance into something that i had always wanted. it was thundering and dangerously beautiful. in the beginning it was quite comforting to fall asleep to your voice on the phone. the vibrations would roll off your tongue and slip through your lips with a flirtatious slur to make me feel as though i am the only one you would always do this to. your voice held itself high, so strong and sincere. i couldn't help but to be drawn in by it.

in my dreams it was otherwise. there was a movie of vague images where i could always make out the girls who would leisurely passing me by to get to you and you let them in. alluring each one of them with that smirk that always made me weak and whispers of taking them away to some destination. it was like i wasn't even there in front of you and i couldn't even stop it. everything was all so real, i should of known that it was.

--------------------------

dear bryan,

so what to do now? how can you regain back my trust without getting annoyed of me and me spiteful of you? dont get me wrong here but i still do want to be with you. i want you in my life not only as the rock i can lean on when times get tough but as a truly faithful boyfriend. i guess in order for me to trust you again, you need to give me some sort of hope that nothing like that will ever come around again. baby you still have time to redeem yourself and to not become one of "them."

you ask me why i am still with you, well its because i can see that we still have the potential to love each other like we have before. it all came out during our late friday night rendezvous. you told me that you felt like you had the world in your arms when you were holding me. i loved it so much that i started crying. i had honestly forgotten how sweet your can be because i havent seen that side of you in such a long time. sometimes i felt as if it wasnt going to come back anymore but in that moment i just didnt want to leave your embrace. i missed you holding me like that babe.

even though friday night was amazing, i still have all these crazy mixed emotions in my head. from being tired of nightmares coming true, you hiding things from me, to you holding me in the moonlight and having those intimate talks with one another before i get out of your car to leave. it is just hurts so much to remember. bryan you had told me on friday night "i guess we just forgot how to be in love with each other." but the great thing about forgetting is that you can always remember . . . i love you so much, i just want to be happy . . . with you.

baby let me say it again, i love you and if you take offense to this, please dont be quick to anger. im just simply letting out how i feel in a place where i know for a fact only YOU read my posts lol. hopefully you can understand that though. youve been really good at understanding my feelings lately. thank you so much for that.

i love you,

your girlfriend

p.s. tell me if you read this LOL