nothing ever comes easily

i laid there still awake, 5 o'clock in the morning contemplating my next move and wishing that a wave of sleep would rush over my body. of course i was still in shock over what had happen a couple hours before hand. i play it over and over again in my head wishing that the next morning it would just magically be erased and i would have you a bit more happy again with me. but alas it wont be gone so easily.

i toss and turn on a bed full of insecurities, wishes, jealousy, and regret. thoughts clash together and a raging war in my mind goes off.

"why the fuck would you say that?"
"im sorry . . . i didnt mean to make him mad."

"dont you understand that he needs space?"

"yea, but i was just a little desperate. i cant just turn to someone else for help."

"you should have never even called him in the first place."

"i know, but i was really upset and i couldnt help but cry a lot."

"you fuckin cry about everything!!"

"i cant help but feel this way after everything that weve gone through in these past 2 weeks."
"so fuckin stupid!"
"yea . . . i know"

it goes back and forth like that. well not actually talking to myself but just beating myself up for doing that.

i really wish i didnt make you mad . . . i relle wish i could go out at night to make you happy. i wish i could stop feeling so broken. i wish i could just feel okay after what had happen last week, but i cant. nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy.