To Clear Things Up

i need to talk to you. i dont wanna sleep or take a nap with you. i dont want to have sex. i dont wanna do anything dirty. i wanna talk to you :[

there are so many things i need to clear up . . . and yet it seems like this every time i need to i get so overcome and distracted by you that i can not. i lose my train of thought and i seem to not get anything done.
alas when i do try to get to you it is a never ending maze. at the start i choke up and lose my place because i am too hesitant to even start our talk. then it gets going and picks up its pace. i lay out what i have to say and how its bothering me it at the moment. i just wanna talk to you and tell you how i feel but during the conversation i get lost, frustrated, and my thoughts get jumbled up. i do not want you to take it as fighting at all. i am honestly trying to talk and have an open relationship with you.
baby all i ask is for you to be receptive, practically willing to consider and accept what i have to say without being annoyed by my worries. for the past year i just wanted your input and comfort to guide me through this maze. you know that is the only way of how to fix it or at least make me shut up.
the fact of leaving a person while they are down and crying can make things even worse. nothing good can come from that. i understand that you want to get out of this situation but that direct route is going in the wrong direction and i hope you know that. being alone is not how i wanted to feel while i was crying.

--------------------------

you told me that i should not worry when you go out. and to tell you the truth, lately i havent been. i have been trying to let you have fun with your friends and text you a bit less. frankly now i am fine with it. ill fill in the rest of my day with sleeping or contributing my hours to the much needed completion of homework.
i am going to be frank. that day just bothered me because you told me that "girl" was going. from the things that i have heard from amanda i have a reason to be worried. the fact that she had flirted with one of your friends while she aparently had a boyfriend messed with me. mix this in with how you are unaware of when a girl is flirting with you and you get what i am thinking in my head. reasonable yea? somewhat bitter that she was there nonetheless when you came back onto the phone with me i missed you completely and wanted nothing more than to spill my affection onto you. the next few days bitterness turned into anger and frusteration again and i did not know where to direct it. baby i am sorry that it went onto you. :/ *sighh* we cleared this up though during halloween so there is no use for talking about it now.
back to the regular subject: as i told you before, i do trust you. i just do not trust other girls. they can be sly and flirtatious as well and you would not even know it.
over the past few days i have been upset at the fact that you said that not at the fact that you were going out. that statement made it seem as though you did not respect me nor how i felt. that is all that i was mad at you for, not that you go out. i know you would not flirt with another girl while you are going out with me. i cried because you were leaving while things were unsettled. this made me feel alone and like you still did not care that i was crying out for you. *sighhh* i just wanted to clear that up for you baby.

bryan, baby after you read this, can we please go back to normal.

*Sighh*

for this post i will not use as much literature talk, if you know what i mean.

okay this is for you. this is my last attempt to call out for you. i will direct this to you because i know that sometime or another you will read this and frankly dont wanna fight about this certain thing. i done with all this crying. i want to just vent this out without there being this awkward ass hour or more than we always have whenever i try to convey my feelings out to you.
i know you dont like when we argue and you dont know what to say after because you dont want to fight more. i understand that. its just that i want you to say something to me. i want to you reassure me more than just "baby its only you" or "shannen, its going to be fine."
i want to feel special. lately, i dont know if this is the hormones from that thing but seriously i want to feel like more than a friend to you. i am your girlfriend and yet i feel like some girl you just talk to day in and day out, you kiss me whenever you see me, and hold my hand sometimes but other than that there is no passion. what happen to the days you would stare into my eyes and feel like nothing else mattered. but now everytime you hug me tight . . . it is as if i were forcing you to do so.
you lost touch with me, physically and emotionally. hugs and kissing can not fix what words were really meant for though. i may be asking for too much but i just miss feeling your influence. i miss you looking me into the eye and saying how much you love me. i know i can not get this all the time but bryan . . . you did change. before there use to be a time where you could barely take your eyes off me whenever i was near you. right when i came to the room you would come right to me and hold me close. now a days it feels as though your life is too rushed for me to be in it. i feel as though have to force myself into your day. 2 hours of your day, then you go home, half talk to me, and fall asleep on the phone before we ever get a real conversation going. youre too tired and i am emotionally tired to deal with it. bryan even in the summer i felt this way, not enough time for me . . .
yesterday i told you how i felt, not a word slipped out from you. you just hugged me . . . i wanted to know if you felt the same way. i wanted you to miss me the way i missed you. i wanted something cheesy to spill out from your lips into my ear and fill my heart up with love again. got my hopes up once more. this hug it felt so forced, i couldnt help but cry. i hated it. i was so angry at you, you did not even know it. i just wanted to scream and cry out to you and say "why dont you look at me the way you use to?!" youve become too accustomed to my face and my clingy emotions that it is as if you shrug it off and go on like it was nothing.
when im having a bad day i look to you, my boyfriend to make it better. to know me well enough to know that i want some alone time with you. i do not want to do any more sexual things, i am serious about this. its currupted this relationship. you were the one who said yourself that you wanted a day to look into my eyes and tell me . . . im gonna stop now, i sort of lost hope in this all happening. i expect too much of you, im sorry. i just miss you, i wanted you to miss me too and show it to me unexpectedly. bryan i miss when you made me feel beautiful, without having to grab or stare at my ass.
i am done, take this as you wish. if anything, out of love ill learn to deal with the time we have together

today was horrible

i thought you would see that by the way i was acting . . . i guess not. in all honestly, i dont know whether i should write more about this. i rather talk to you and hear your voice than being here alone. i felt alone for far too long. bryan we need to really talk about this.

Everything is going to be alright, maybe not today but eventually.

from now on, this year i am going to start off positive. ima make a list of goals now haha.

1. stay out past 1 AM with my friends
2. actually go to disneyland and not some random place
3. graduate with bryan
4. speak my mind in class
5. keep up in AP english
6. dont fall behind in math :/
   
7. save up the money i get every week
8. get trust back from mom
9. permit
10. license
11. stay organized
12. drive to pick my sister up from her school
13. get a job
14. win that grizzly artist award
15. make a high score on my SAT
16. create something beautiful so that mommy would be proud
17. have a big party for my 18th bday
18. not get distracted by facebook
19. keep in touch with everyone (maybe)
    
20. make new friends
21. grow more (of fuckin course)
22. stay hungry - you know what i mean
23. keep up my faith
24. get more involved with church
25. keep up with my goals
    

"Stay" by Common Feat. Lauren Hill

in the back of my mind thoughts of negativity spread like rapid fire. this sick feeling in my stomach did not belong here and i did not have a choice. i ran on a "might" or a "maybe" that could turn into a "yes i am" or a "no, i was trippin for nothing so lets drop this and sweep it under the rug." still, there is no other option. take it or else it will be a YES.
i felt like Alice while she was in Wonderland, dazed and confused but she went along with the show. when she woke up, she never felt the same again. this moment though simple the task was going to define what i think about myself later on in the future.
i laid in bed alone hours before you came back. i never thought i would be going through this so early in my life. my head was throbbed with this sights of this object. how can such a small substance be so effortless to take but can cause handfuls of grief for my heart? so much for taking away my troubles, right?
i finally drew together enough strength to hop into the shower before you came by. it was part of my regular routine, but different once again. i have been here before. i stared down to my feet as the water hustled by. then my gaze slowly reached up to my stomach. i watched as small streams of water connected to create miniature rivers that disappear into droplets back to my feet. i stroked my stomach with both hands and started to cry. "it is not going to be the same anymore." i whispered through the sound of rushing water "I'm sorry that I'm about to put you through this." i did not know who i was actually talking to - my body or our secret. i sluggishly got out of my shower and put on clothes.
i went downstairs to unlock the door for you to come in by yourself. i did not feel like opening the door and smiling at you like it was a surprise that you came. this was a surprise but not a good one. the door opens and my heart races inside and i rather not go through with this. this costs more than money but my sanity as well. i will forever be reminded when ever i slouch over and look down to what could of been.
you say hello with a reassuring smile as to say "it's alright, i have you now. I'll worry a bit for you." you took my hand and planted a kiss on my lips. you squeezed my body and i started to cry. right through my tears i told you it was too much, way too much. i honestly didn't know how else to put it. as my eyes became wetter my mouth was starting to turn dry. this bitter sweet feeling still lingered from when we last kissed. you started to comfort me, but alas your guarantee got lost through my thoughts of negativity again so in return i said nothing. i buried my face into your neck like all the times before. i could hear "it's gonna be okay baby" within the mess of my thoughts.
you showed me the bag of mystery and took my hand to the kitchen. my body felt so heavy as i dragged my feet over to get the glass of water. i wanted to keep crying but that would not be at all fair to you.
inside this bag lay a box, in this box is what we need to have a "no, this will not happen, not this time" rest of our time being together. we both read the directions on this "no box", simple simple. "pop it in my mouth and drink water" i told myself. an uncomplicated procedure for me but i wanted to procrastinate once more. i trace the title with my mind, i looked over the side effects. i looked up at you with anxiety. slowly you made your way over to me in one motion; it was effortless. you held me from behind. i felt like it was the first time you did that again. my heart fluttered more and i took it. just like Alice i woke up thinking what the hell just happened? it was done and over with. no more, not again.

You thought i forgot about YOU huh?

but baby i didnt, you were the first thing on my mind. soooo i guess its time for me to catch you up. i took a plane to hawaii for about 2 weeks, July 16 - 30th. during this time i missed people so much. it was sort of bitter sweet. hawaii was beautiful, the right temperature and green everywhere. people were all too friendly, many of which hit on me. not to be braggin, but remember keeping you updated.
i went to maui for the first week then off to oahu the second. i hated maui, man i was on my period and bitchy the whole time. nonetheless it didnt stop me from eating my ass off, and jumping into creeks. i taught my self how to paddle board while over there. it is pretty self explanitory once you see it, you just really need to know how to swim or else you will panic out in the ocean and you are effed.
then off to oahu, the thing was maui wasnt very city like and well its safe to say that oahu was like straight up west covina. asian stores everywhere, back alley viet restaurants, and the freeway. it filled in my homesick feeling with the smells of rice and sights of the city skylines. my family and i stayed at the ko olina hotel which was too beautiful for words. its one of those 5 star resorts. my 3rd time going there and man did i feel like i was at home. private beach where the waves werent high, just a chill place to be.
second week into being here this alarm hit me. i miss bryan. yea, yea, yea i know i complain way too much about him but he changed. back to the same old n00b with new sly tricks. a bit of an oxymoron if i might say so. he read everything, everything on my blog. thank you baby for making it up to my this week.

My problem is like having Phantom Limb

Dear Love,

have you heard of it? an arm/leg of yours gets amputated yet at times you feel it itch, hurt, go numb for no reason. it is no longer there but then again why do you still feel it? your brain is tricking you.
this is how i feel. i was cheated on, fucked around with, lied to, guys played me, and a whole bunch of shit was talked, and well basically i was treated like an object for over a course of a few years. all this time i worried and became bitter and jealous to the point where i was accustomed to this feeling. i started to have this hatred for guys and how they treated me. a gentleman to me was a folklore and chivalry was long dead and gone. then when i stumbled along this guy who refreshed and reset my views on the opposite sex i felt relaxed. i could put my guard down for once and i was not use to it at all. my brain started to trick me into thinking something bad was going on when everything was all good. so i became sick in worrying and blaming and complaining. i put it all on him, crying every night blaming him. it's these past guys who made me get into fights with my new boy. my heart was still heavy from all the heart ache from before. sex still felt like rape to me.
i am still learning to let the past go. i just need to grow up more. i am sorry that you have to put up with it every night. baby, i love you cause you do. i am trying not to ruin any more nights of yours, it is not fair to you.

with love, Shannen

P.S. i hope whenever i feel like complaining ill look for this post, to calm myself down.

i am sick and tired of chasing after you

when is it going to be my day? when is chivalry going to come back? i honestly do not know what to say anymore. i dont know how to express this to you without it becoming a fight. i am tired of keeping my emotions to myself.
you have gotten too comfortable that you cant hear my crying out for you even on the phone. you use to have those special powers to hear my whimpers but not anymore. you have become too oblivious to all my . . . .

I WISH I DIDN'T GIVE A FUCK

It's the little things

i have been told that give you the biggest smile or the worst heart ache. i woke up a bit early in hopes i could see you today. i should be happy to see you for as much as i can . . . but i dont know anymore.
i did not just throw on some random outfit, i specially picked it thinking you would compliment me. i put on make-up for you, i did my hair all nice and nothing. i did all of this just so i can see you for just 30 minutes. sad huh? all i was asking for is just a little bit more than sex, it is simply that you can show me that you LOVE me still. it is one thing for someone to say "i love you" and another to show it. i am sorry to say that lately i haven't felt it from you.
at night when i poured my heart and soul at to you, i told you that i felt lonely. i half hoped that you would find the words to soothe my blues away but the other half knew that you did not know what to say. i was so upset. a chain reaction, you were mad at me for ruining your day by saying this and i was crying because countless of my days without your comfort. what is 1 day compared to a few weeks of mine? nonetheless after telling you how i felt you started to fall asleep while i was crying. there again i gave up myself to you and let you go and started to pity myself once more.
when you are upset, i try to talk you down, but i guess what i do i should not talk about it in case i might ruin your day again. you do not see what i try to do for you. all i ask is for you to show me that you love me in return. hold me in your arms and tell me i am beautiful, that i do not have to worry anymore, that you are here for me and for me only. surprise me, do not wait for me to say that i miss you for you to say it too, speak in a sincere voice, and have patience with me. i guess this is my boyfriend wish list. even though it has been a year into our relationship does not mean you are going to stop being the boy i fell in love with.

_____________________

i want your hands all over me. i want my hands all over you. i want to cross that invisible barrier between us. erase any lingering awkwardness, kiss away your fears and tears, wrap my arms around you and try to convey how much i love you through touch. my tongue in the shell of your ear, your fingertips tracing secrets on the tops of my sensitive thighs, us tangled, hopelessly, together in a human love-knot.

i want to plant kisses up and down your spine. i want to hear you beg me to relieve your built up tension, your voice thin and desperate. then i want to hear you moan my name. moan it once, softly, then louder, until you’re reducing to little whimpers. i want you spent.

then, i want to sleep with you once more, in the most innocent sense of the phrase, and wake in the beautiful after glow, your head on my chest.

this is sex in it real form. this is the sigh of reassurance that love does still exists. this is the type of sex everyone needs now a days.

SAT's

so last night we talked, and talked, and talked till there was nothing left to explain. i conveyed my feelings over to him, repeated myself, and understood even more that no matter the problem there are ways of working it out. i told him how i felt, not really in the words and tone i expressed in my last blog but in a manner more sensible and not as whiny. he understood everything, that is my baby for you, always concerned and there for me as best he can be. the thing that kind of did bother me was that he did not know how to comfort me; he was there for me but did not know what to say. we were both speechless. ahh for me it is the thought that counts.

______________________

i logged on to look at my scores for SAT's knowing that i did horrible. alas when i finally got to the page, added up all my scores, i started to cry. i scored so low. i guess it was partly because i bullshitted my way through the last couple years of my life or maybe to the lack of studying that i have done or perhaps my mind was just somewhere else. these 3 numbers will effect the next few years of my life. sadly since my numbers are low thus my feelings are as well making the next few months hell for me to study for the next few years of my life. get it? i hope so.
thinking about the SAT's i bet you i have a WHOLE lot of spelling, punctuation, grammar, etc. etc. etc. errors here. i bet that if this was a writing prompt i would probably get a 3 ishh out of 12. these educational type tests are going to kill me, i know it.

_____________

a note to myself for future reference: i need to find this book, it will help me when i am in need.

i havent been here in so long

i guess i only come here to complain now. it is a place where he wont look at all and i can tell all my problems to the world that will never listen. but lowkey i really want him to read this. well here i go: for a few hours now, it has been twitter, twitter, twitter, twitter, and twitter. you get the idea. these text messages from a site, but not from you. it should not bother me i know, i am trying not to be selfish alas i can not help it. you say so many things, it is all these promises that you will take me out to the places that you went to without me, deep down inside i know i will never go. do not get me wrong, i like knowing that you want to take me there but you know yourself that you wont have the chance to take me.
so i guess here i am again, sitting at home and for hours now i have been staring at a my cell phone wall paper. it is a picture of you. you took it on the day that you came over to reassure me that i was yours still and that i should not worry so much. i am all kinds of stubborn, you know that yourself. you know that you have probably said that "im the only one" more than a hundred times. i am sorry. new versions of my worries keep popping up, it is to the point where i get jealous of your best friends . . . because you see them more than i see you. in the past week you have seen them every single day and me, if im lucky 2 times a week. forgive me if im overreacting but im just stating the truth. is it too much then to ask for a txt every once in a while? i get my hopes up every time my phone rings then it crashes back down to see that it wasnt from you. im simply tired of waiting.
wanna know something? i took up sewing, reading, drawing again because i knew that you were gonna do this. i learned from past expiriences with you to know that every time you go out you dont text exactly right back.

___________________________

its 9 days after our 1 year and this is still bothering me so i confronted you about it:

chelloshannen (1:07:36 PM): fine, i had this thought that a persons 1 year was suppose to be spectacular . . . like i was gonna feel like a princess that day :/ and you were gonna have a surprise planned and you were gonna give me a gift and everything but i guess i was hoping for too much again.

chelloshannen (1:10:00 PM): i was just a bit upset cause of that. i just needed to get it off my chest

chelloshannen (1:11:07 PM): say something

chelloshannen (1:11:08 PM): :/

buhrayun (1:11:11 PM): . . .you make me feel like im a bad bf. .

buhrayun (1:11:16 PM): : /

buhrayun (1:11:31 PM): like its not that easy for me to plan all that stuff

buhrayun (1:12:26 PM): im sorry if you were expecting all that stuff and i didnt get you anything, but wasnt the point of going to cue was to celebrate our one year?. . .

buhrayun (1:13:02 PM): am i that bad of a bf shannen?. . .

chelloshannen (1:13:17 PM): no youre not dont ever think that

chelloshannen (1:13:19 PM): its just that

chelloshannen (1:13:30 PM): you went to the mall the day before . . .

chelloshannen (1:13:46 PM): i just thought, that you thought of getting me something :/

buhrayun (1:14:21 PM): so everytime i go to the mall you expect me to get you something? . ..

chelloshannen (1:14:50 PM): no it was just our 1 year, thats why i expected something . . .

buhrayun (1:16:40 PM): ok well im sorryi guess.

chelloshannen (1:17:25 PM): well i guess im sorry for expecting too much

i still hurt. i sometimes wonder if you go out do you think of me? i just thought that when you were at the mall esspecially since the next day was our 1 year you would find atleast something to surprise me with :[ yea i probably am asking for too much but after all the times i took care of you, spending so much for you for your birthday, lying to my parents, putting you in front of all of my other friends, staying up still 1 to 3 AM waiting for you to come home, going behind my parent's back just to hang out with you. i kind of wanted something back. silly of me, selfish of me. i made you a huge card, i drew on it, i wrote out my feelings for you, all the love i had for you, i put everything on over the course of the year in to that card. what did i get from you? nothing. we were gonna go to cue anyways. we took pictures with our friends. you payed for me. but then after you didnt think of taking pictures with just me and you. thats what upset me. i had to ask you. in my mind i shouldnt have to ask you these things. youre suppose to have them planned out. YOU'RE THE GUY, THE GUY IS SUPPOSE TO DO ROMANTIC THINGS FOR THE GIRL . . . not the other way around. this was my first 1 year relationship and i am sorry for expecting too much of you, but im the girl and you were the one who said that the girl was suppose to be treated like a princess. all in all, it was a disappointing 1 year. i guess thats what i get for fucking up right?

all in all, you are a good boyfriend. better than most i have ever heard of or have been with. like i said NEVER PUT YOURSELF DOWN LIKE THAT! you have always seen the best in me, just read though my past blogs about you, honestly about 98% of my blogs are about you, the only person who can put me down one second, laugh it off and bring me right back up again. thats you, thats what i look for in a guy. dont forget that you are my dream boy babe. its just that youre missed a detail that meant a lot to me. mmmm bryan we are all human, yea we make mistakes and we fuck up. it doesnt mean you are a bad boyfriend. i just had too much hope again. :/ please dont mind me.

** im sorry for all the complaining, like i said this was the site for all my venting and whatnot.

confessions of a teenage drama queen

i just wanted to say that i was sorry for overreacting. it just that you gave me so much hope . . . so much hope. i thought i was gonna see you today, but i guess not. i feels like you stood me up, to be with other people. i understand though, i knew that you werent going to have the car today. how stupid am i to think that you would come over, right? you have every right to be mad at me. lately i have been on edge and leaning on you way too much. i guess this shows you how clingy huh?
usually i catch myself at these moments, but not these past few days . . .
sometimes i wonder if it bothers you knowing that i am crying and you are laughing with your friends. i wonder if you think of me when youre getting into someones car and im trying to get out of my bad mood. what do you think of when im crying and youre sitting there silent? do you try to think up of ways to cheer me up or think "wow why is she doing this again?"
its been my fault lately that these things are getting to me, im letting them punch me in the face and eat me away. i know i shouldnt do this, i want to be good for you, not make you feel bad. im sorry :'[ i just get my own hopes up too much.

i bet you, that you wont ever read this . . . .

so he said to me

"i want your sweet kiss, i want your warm hugs. i wanna see your beautiful smile, i wanna lay down next to you and rub your tummy as you fall asleep. i wanna lay next to you while kissing you as you smile, and fall asleep with you while hugging you from behind. i wanna see you face to face, just to tell you how much i miss you and you that im all yours and youre all mine. i wanna be the guy youre walking next to at town square. u wanna be the guy that maddogs and grabs your ass when guys stare. i wanna hold you close and give you a big kiss if a girl stares. i wanna be there with you right now."


oh boy thank you for the reassurance, i needed it

-_________-

damn i've been too under the weather lately.

smile shannen, smile.

fuck it.

i think i should be over all the cutsie things at the moment. this is the over the hill, over the rainbow and back onto my feet sort of thing, that every person has to go though. ahhhh all though out my life i was looking for some sort of realization, something to open my eyes and help to make me have a life epiphany. ahhh im still searching.

soooo it is nothing, absolutely nothing, but yet nothing bothers me.

i want this to be short sweet and to the point: i want to leave. i want to get out of here. i wanna travel, i need new people, people who are going to keep secrets. those people who can distinguish secrets from those of regular sayings. i want to live somewhere where mello replaces the "ok."

i am tired of everything

i just wanted to say hi

i lay there still, still looking into his eyes and him looking into mine. most of our contact does not seem to come from mere touch anymore, but though something more intimate.
he has said that we needed this for release, satisfaction, and wanting. for me it was much more. here it has been too long since these kind of feelings would arise from within my beating chest. i longed for them to take a trip back to me. now that they are here again, they almost have a feeling as if they were brand new.
there on it was just a dream, a fairy tale. he slowly closed his eyes, took my hand and upon my wrist he gently laid a kiss as if to know that was where i wanted it to be. it was the sort of read your diary, read your mind, kind of moment in time. he was an eraser and in 5 simple steps and all my worries around my jagged edged were smoothed out. comforted with a single gesture and a few simple words. taking in all my flaws, adding a spot treatment, and having them vanish within a few seconds. right then and there, it was just me. only me and well in honesty i know i am young, but this is how i want it to be. i want to have this feeling within me for the rest of my life. here i have found a place where i am beautiful, intellectual, and taken as who i am, not who i am suppose to be. heaven on earth within my home, home is where the heart is.

woop woop

its pretty complicated. my mind is full and jumbled up from the past few days.

you are getting better at venting and telling your side of the story. i need that. im glad that we got this out of the way. i relle am.
bryan you know that im sorry i cant go out as much as other girls. you know i am.
i love you baby, i just want you to be happy. thats all i need. im happy im with you because you are my salvation. you are on my mind 24/7.
i feel as though it should get all smart atm:
it was like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. it was a moment of no utter guilt, nothing can stop me. for that moment, you held me as though life itself depended on it. although i couldnt breathe, it was fine. i didnt care anymore, nothing else matters now a days. "just you, only you" i said to myself.

ima probably
look back at my post
one day and think
"damn shannen, you're a fuckin n00b."

it takes its tole

Hush my baby, Don't you cry.
I'll dry your eyes. Fulfill your heart's desire.
Let's go in. Try again.
Careful this time. Broken promises linger in our mind.

mmmm john legend, "I Love, You Love"

im trying so hard to get over what youve said,
but im impatient.
nonetheless i miss you more than ever right now.
is that wierd?

for those with all the time in the world

i do not want you to see this.
i want to be that one that makes you smile.
i am trying to become less selfish, lately its not working as well as i thought.
i wanna be that one that makes you happy when you are sad.
i do not want to end up like her when i am older.
i wanna be the person who does not overreact.
i prayed for my parents to look at things through my eyes every chance i get.
i wish i was that person who you tell everyone about.
i prayed that my sister would not end up like me at all.
i wanna be productive.
i want to me smarter.
i am sorry for being difficult sometimes.
i want to go out more.
i do not have a fake smile, i just try to push all of my worries out of my head till they disappear.
i wish i could go back to the past to make you the first.
i notice that it sounds really emo when i say "i do not like what i see in the mirror" but sometimes it is true.
i want to make you never regret me.
i want you to know that sometimes in my life, i just want to lay in the grass and just do absolutely nothing.
i wish i could forget.
i hope that one day i wont be as shallow as i am now.
i wish you could tell me everything.
i miss that detail of sincerity when someone speaks to me.
i wish i had much better advice to give you.
i want my hair to grow out more.
i need someone to listen.
i need time to myself, but i am scared of siking myself out during that time.
i wish i was social.
i wish i could please everyone.
i wish i did not regret.
i want you to notice that it takes about 3 times of asking me "whats wrong?" before i actually tell you.
i honestly feel like i do not deserve anything that i have right now.
i feel like i am not doing my part.
i know i complain too much, but i can not tell anyone this because i do not want to be a bother.
i do not want to fight with anyone anymore.
i wish i could stop being so negative.
i hope one day i will be everything she wants me to be.
i hope on that day i will be everything that i, SHANNEN wants me to be.
i want to be up to date on everything.
i want you to not get quiet.
i wish i could go on a date with you, it is honestly killing me.
i want to fix all your worries.
i want to be that fun person everyone always wants to talk to.
i do not want to let you down anymore.
i wish i could open up more.
i miss having the feeling of being a good person.
i want to get over my jealousy.
i hope one day that i turn out to be stronger than this.
i always wanted to be that person you would tell all your stories to - good or bad.
i am scared to have a debut to find out that i do not have as many friends as i thought i did.
i cry way more than you think i do, i am a cry baby.
i always wished i could be that person you go to make you happy when you are sad.
i am afraid to talk because i am scared i might say something wrong.
i found out the real reason why they say "the past is what shapes us to what we are now."
i want to tell that certain person "everything you have said to me, tried to give me advice about, said it was for my own good, etc., etc., i already knew. so you just wasted your time and you arent that charming and smart as you think. thanks for everything ."

cliche

shes beautiful, but she does not feel like it anymore :|

she told me i was running out of time, but alas shes been telling me this ever since i was young. ive been forced to read and write since then. no breaks, no "i am so proud of you," nothing.
she told me that she does not want to regret but i have been doing nothing but that since as far back as i can remember.
how can she do this to me? how can i tell her without her making ME feel bad for myself?

DUMBFOUNDEAD
i found someone that i think you will like :]

simple medicine

its a change from the norm i guess you can say that. it is pretty amazing how good you feel once you get everything out. i feels like you are not tied down to the ground anymore and you are floating once again. i think i am going to sleep well tonight.

its something so simple as a catch up to make one feel like them self again. back on the ground with my feet firmly planted back into my roots.

the past couple weeks i have been feeling too lonely. i know, i know, i have friends i know. but i want to make GOOD FRIENDS. that is what i lack. i have been worrying about the simplest thing,s ahhh i was falling apart little by little. it was as if i was having a bad trip, everything was in slow motion and it replayed over again every night. honestly i can not stand the night, the mind is left to wander, worry, laugh, and trick the keenest of people. i guess this is why i am so addicted to phone calls before i go to sleep :/ they get me tired, so i do not have to get lost in my head.


i have too many questions for you, but you do not seem to answer anymore.

in the engine room

soooo im in graphics class watching Engine Room about to pee :/ like always. dude i dont lol like drinking in the morning it always make me like this.

anyways i wish i could be as pretty as allison. ahhhh oh well. shes sooo creative.

mmmm today well i feel kinda blahh today to be honest. i wish i could travel back in time. id warn myself of all the arguments i would have with my mother. i would tell little me to always have your chin up, stop wearing all that black eyeliner, you need to see past the screaming music and big hair. there is no need for straighteners and hairspray, you are beauty all on its own. please do not give yourself more of bracelets that would last forever, you are better than that.

shannen you are too young for the older boys. do not try to rush into love. remember love never wants to hurt.

shannen please smile more, everything in time will soon unfold itself

The Relationship of Smoke

I am young and though my teenage years I did not know how to stress this subject enough. It is a feeling of being stranded and not knowing how to juggle life at all. Sooner or later in the back of my mind I knew I would have to handle it but I guess I did not know that it would have to be this soon. I got so use to it being choked up in my own throat that I started drowning in my own reality when I did not even know it.

I found myself asking the same questions over and over again. "How did I get here?" "What happen to me?" "How can I get out?" In my desperate attempts to fight for air, i discovered a safe haven in the arms of another.

(i dont know im not done yet . . . im planning to finish it in graphics class for a cover project; in a few days till it gets turned in.) till that time here are the works of the past. ENJOY

dont close your eyes, it gets better from here. creativity in the silence, beneath the whispers among peers, past our determination during all these years, inside the fog of the head without a mind, though the completion of the end of time. it is the place where you could put your feet in the sand, and clouds take shape as rain in your hand. where the heart isnt where your home is and kisses dont taste any sweeter than what love simply is. the words spoken out here transform into poetry of our souls, where feelings of yesterday never reflect today's real goals, and the only thing im feeling is you here close to me.

i wear clothes to take off and i pee like a fountain. my life ceases to be planned out. for this is the way one should live, no plans, just soul to guide the way. passion inside my everyday is essential. without this key you have no gas for the journey. in all my years of observing and taking notes on other humans i have noticed that too many exist and not enough of those are actually living. this is the path i choose to travel on. it is my choice to keep my mouth shut and not talk that much, but put every thought i had in writing and i am sure that you will be moved. love is my setting and i could feel it in my bones. love is where i grow and on this land of love i thrive. i am alive; i am aware; i am scared; i am barely human.

yea.

it's cold, i know.
i wish i could say everything that i am thinking on here, but i can't. it would make everything much too complicated. didnt you hear? i cried.

XPlosive

it comes time and time again. that feeling, fuck damn disgust. it just runs chills all over the body, then your chest starts hurting, and it feels as if you can no longer breathe. its a moment when you wish you were sleeping to get your mind off of it, so that you can imagine a better place. but alas you are trapped again, as if you are a side show attraction in that certain cage where people poke at you over and over till you can not stand it anymore. this is when you blow up . . . how horrible.

no one ever will warn you how it will feel when you first step in the water. all fun at first, till you get in too deep and start to drown. people try to give you a life line but ehhh, you think youre too proud for it. "i can swim all by myself," you say. "oh im fine," you scream out loud so that coincidentally everyone can hear you. it is a subconcious cry out for help, you need someone there to break down that wall and be stubborn and not listen to a word you are saying and rescue you.

The B.F.G.

it was a sigh of relieve, disbelief, and positivity. a sign of what we were suppose to be from then on. that phrase "no more" and "i love you so much" said over again over again ringing in each one of our ears. there was a lack of jealousy, minus the fear, a thousand questions, and millions of more smiles. all we did was thank god for blessing us at that moment.

she wants to go to the sea side

boy do i wanna just go far far away from here.

take me away, i wanna just be somebody.

i guess

i guess i am the one actually getting to comfortable.

i suppose i am the one who is slipping away.

i guess i should stop acting like a brat and suspecting things.

i suppose im too jealous.

i guess i should slow down.

i guess i should get my ass on my permit testing.

i suppose i . . .

i do not know anymore. reality is not just the same. why do dreams feel so real now a days? then when i wake up, everything just gets too hazzy. maybe because i am sick.

i need friends, friends come find me. making friends takes too much work on my part. now a days i wonder how i would have acted a few years back? maybe i should demote myself back to that time again. i was funner. oh goodness what has happen to me now? funner is not even a word. :/ i am slipping . . . im trippin

girls are stupid. im sitting near a girl who was like "atleast i got what i wanted . . . . i got clothes, a necklace . . . then after i dumped him." wtf? really? is this what it takes to actually make you cool now a days? you are making girls look like tramps. thank you so much.

i dont even know how you got a boyfriend in the first place. ugly ass.

so here i am with open arms

graphics class. just realizing that i can go on this site without it being blocked. what a good day, good day. ahhh i dont think i can upload any of my pictures i made though, but it doesnt stop me at all from trying. try try try again you know.

well today, Friday i asked my boyfriend to Backwards (what they called the sadies dance here.) he saw it coming but oh well haha, its the thought that counts.

baby

Buh Ra YUN (1:27:27 AM): ahhh im inlove beb

Buh Ra YUN (1:27:34 AM): i dont want anyone else

at times i try to say whats on my mind, but that most likely end me up in some sort of trouble right? i think horribly of others because they thought bad of me. i judged a book by its cover for far too long. i have been tossed aside, something used and broken. you have found me, you saw me, and did not care about what happen before, you wanted me for me. you have said that many times i was beautiful, that you would not look at anyone else the way you look at me, and well for the first time in my life, i believe it.
you have no idea how much this made me better. it may sound cheezy, and overused, but this is how i am right: you are the eye opener, that breath of fresh air, that perfect song from the radio that just captured the moment so right. i am sorry if this gets old, spoiling you with all these compliments, alas this is the only thing i can do right now since im not with you.
you were the guy who protected me from the thunderstorms in my own household, and you held me for hours as we slept next to each other, you have a heart that has kept me warm till i fell asleep. bryan youre the person who made me realized a person's real worth, my worth. thank you.

it was a dream, something of a glowing warmth came from him. he took my hand and kissed it, a gentle reassurance with no words. he was gorgeous.