here once more

i am still trying my best to have faith, but yet again i lay awake thinking how hard it is to prove its existence. all i can go off of is the things i have seen from movies, read in books, and heard in random stories from distance people, but yet no great tangible evidence to convince me otherwise. maybe i am looking at this at a wrong angle. maybe this thing called true love is harder to achieve than i expect.

Nocturne

the record plays a little bit louder now. during the day, it is the hush lull in the background as the main character speaks up. the beat, like constant clockwork, never misses its cue. its melodic verses crescendos more during the late evenings to remind the mind it is still there. at times it builds itself into a roar of white noise that filters out even the sweetest notes. when does the song end?

This. This will help.

i use to fall asleep to this.

i had forgotten how beautiful it was.

i miss this.

i miss a lot of things.

the conclusion

i engulfed myself into the quiet recorded moments alone with you and i do not know how to stop. all i could think about is how long we have been in one another's arms, how many times our lips have touched, and all the smiles we have shared with each other. it has been a rough journey and now our chapter together has come to an end. here is our conclusion:
there was a time when i had seen a boy from the corner of my eye. each second had seemed to slow down just for me as i tried to get a better glance at him. little did i know at the moment that he was the person who was going to change me. little did i know what i was going to get myself into. over a course of four years together we had gotten much closer and cozier. we had our good share of love, fights, jealousy, and a lot of food that made us grow into better people than we were beforehand. but mistrust in one another lead us both down a road of disappointment and heart breaks. in the end we had both taken the high road and reached the point where we knew we had to take our separate paths. with no fighting, just a little more tears and straight understanding we had went on our way. it was a great adventure i had taken with him, i had grown more patience and love than i had with any other person before. and where ever his path takes him i hope he finds his happiness, i hope he finds what he is looking for. 

you were a great boyfriend.

im sorry i didnt say it much.

you kept me grounded,

and held me tight.

loving isnt an easy thing to do.

many things get in the way of love 

just to make it all complicated.

but without complications how could we learn?

i do not want to believe in love anymore

please do not be so ashamed of me anymore. acknowledge me in front of others. make me feel as though i still exist in your life. i have been hiding behind bed sheets and whispers for too long. from underneath our pillow talk i had found myself outwardly screaming out how much i loved you. even after i had lost my voice, with my tongue i would continuously spell out how much i needed you. i am the complete definition of being hung up over a person. i am invisible. i am selfish. i am not happy but i have to choke my feelings down, it is not just about me. fuck my life. fuck these feelings.

_______________________

i feel bad for my dad. he puts up with so much. he had made a mistake that has cost him his wife's sanity. my mother is taking her anger out in anyway she knows how. she has particularly regressed back to some sort of child like behaviors mainly because she does not know how to express herself in a situation such as this one. her first love hiding a secret that ended up being a scam he had fell deep within into the whole time. he had fallen into a hoax that resulted into so much screaming ...... i just do not know. i do not ever want to get married if it is going to end up like something like this. so much fighting and hate. i do not want my kids growing up with their ears ringing from screams of crying and resentment. i do not believe that i should go down the marriage aisle, it is not for me.

i dont wanna fight anymore.

im tired of trying to hold it all together.

when can i just be happy?

Sigmund Freud

 “Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

longing takes over me tonight. it greets me with a kiss and keeps me coming back for more. pillows and stuffed animals turn into makeshift forms of  you. anything to make it feel as though things are back to where i want them to be, anything to have the feeling of you holding me. the art of pretending is my hobby of the night.

i needed to indulge in  the moment while it lasted.

the possibility of this happening again anytime soon was slim.

to hear your steady heartbeat in your ear again....

to have your hand clasping mine....

the soft vibrations in your voice....

the comfort of laying next to you....

i need to dream of you tonight. please.

 

late nights

i had finally fallen asleep after all that crying i had done. just the thought of picturing you with some other girl hurt more than i ever thought it would have. i hid under the blanket trying to muffle out my whimpers. oh at the moment i just wanted to sleep so badly. i had thought to myself that maybe if i slept, maybe if i was lucky enough i would have been blessed with a good dream about you. i want to dream about us being happy together in your bed, covered by your sheets and surrounded by your pillows. with one hand pushing back my hair and the other tightly around me, three words whispered together ease out effortlessly and all would be right in the world once again. alas, not much to my surprise my dream never came. i am now back up again begging for sleep to take over me.

________________________

im angry. i fell back in love with you again. why did i have to go and do that? now i am not happy, love does not make me happy because you know what comes along with love? jealousy, longing, and fear. this whole package deal keeps me up, tossing and turning and puts terrible images inside my head. i spend hours trying to find somewhere in my mind to get away. i try to romanticize this whole grandeur like scenarios that lead me to get my hopes and in the end i feel like shit once more. i fell in love with you again. what a silly thing to do in this sort of situation when everything seemed so uncertain. i did not waste any time in my feelings. i had just went ahead and jumped right in when i should of tested out the water first. it is my fault for rushing back into these feelings... i was so sure that if i fell in love with you again, you would fall in love with me too. how is that for some romanticism?

i dont believe in love anymore 

ive given up on love and marraige

i believe in a long term infatuation

that can break at a moments notice 

________________________

what am i fucking doing? you probably dont even read these anymore, so whats the point of letting these things out?! all my so called "writings" are just about the same shit over and over again. whats the point?! there is none. im just fucking stupid, trying to do anything to find a way back to you....i am pathetic. you probably hate how i am even more now than before when we were actually together. i even pity myself for what i have become. all this constant crying and hating myself. i need to forget. i need to repress shit. cause i know for a fact that if i do not rescue myself from this slump no one else will.

refresh, refresh, refresh

should i want this? should i let this go? is this even good for me? fuck all this constant thinking in circles. my fists clench up more, angry and still trying to hold onto something that is slowly but surely slipping away from me. i can no longer dream about anything good, let alone find my way to sleep. everything turns into some short get away. my mind rest for a couple hours at a time and forces itself to revert back to start. i am missing something. the ultimate test. this has never happened in this  way before.

  

i need to get my shit together

i am fucking lost

 

right here, right now

it has only been a couple hours and i have been having some withdrawls from you but i need to fight away my cravings and have my objective clear in my mind. this is what is best. this is what needs to happen. i am scared but then again so are you. if only this was not so hard to do, if only i did not worry so much about you. if only i stay next to you for a little bit longer. how can i find a way to sleep tonight?

the wall

i am here to listen. i am here for you.... i just need you to open up, even if its only just a little bit. baby steps are better than nothing at all.

sweaty palms

i do not know how to start this. my words seem to jumble up inside and i cant get the correct order of sentences to flow out right. i always run to here when i feel like i can no longer get to you. here is where you can read out all my longings, hopes, my whimpers, and angered memos. and for this right now i just have this feeling that you are in this extremely bad place and you dont want me to know anymore about it or at least burden me with the subject. but i still want to help you. i am your girlfriend right? is it not what a girlfriend is suppose to do? i want to be your shoulder to lean on when you feel low, i want to listen to your problems, and i will try my best to help you erase them. fuck i do not know how to say all this without getting extremely frustrated and angry. i just want you to let me into your life just a little bit! i want to share all the good times and each and every one of the bad times as well. i feel like i can never get to you. it is like your feelings are so far away from mine. i constantly keep reaching outward and i just end up grabbing statements like "i am fine" or "it's okay." these are the statements are the ones that stray me away from the subject and make me believe you do not want me to let me in at all. i dont know what i am saying anymore... i am literally at the verge of tears right now. all i know is that i want to help you. i really do. please let me help you. youre all i have and i don't even know what to do. 

__________________________

why do i find myself still constantly crying over you. i have done this post about a million times over and i still cant get all my uneasiness out. i need you. i have been feeling emptier than usual. i dont know what it is but it seems to only go away when i am with you. i dont care what we do, i just need you to help me let things out. it is as if am going quite crazy.

i am scared of you leaving me.

i really want to talk to you.

i have so much to say.

bryan please help me.

Dearest Bryan,

it is like you are the only constant thing in my head day in and day out and as much i hate worrying about you in every aspect i still have this incredible love and longing for you to stay in my life. i never actually knew i could care for a person as much as i care for you. its hard now, i know that for a fact, but i feel as though it is better than not having you in my life at all. i am falling for you all over again, the hard way this time. but i suppose it is rough on both ends as well. we are both scared of what happens next bryan. still i know i want your hand holding mine all the way through this time. ill
always be here for you. always.

Love, Shannen