late nights

i had finally fallen asleep after all that crying i had done. just the thought of picturing you with some other girl hurt more than i ever thought it would have. i hid under the blanket trying to muffle out my whimpers. oh at the moment i just wanted to sleep so badly. i had thought to myself that maybe if i slept, maybe if i was lucky enough i would have been blessed with a good dream about you. i want to dream about us being happy together in your bed, covered by your sheets and surrounded by your pillows. with one hand pushing back my hair and the other tightly around me, three words whispered together ease out effortlessly and all would be right in the world once again. alas, not much to my surprise my dream never came. i am now back up again begging for sleep to take over me.

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im angry. i fell back in love with you again. why did i have to go and do that? now i am not happy, love does not make me happy because you know what comes along with love? jealousy, longing, and fear. this whole package deal keeps me up, tossing and turning and puts terrible images inside my head. i spend hours trying to find somewhere in my mind to get away. i try to romanticize this whole grandeur like scenarios that lead me to get my hopes and in the end i feel like shit once more. i fell in love with you again. what a silly thing to do in this sort of situation when everything seemed so uncertain. i did not waste any time in my feelings. i had just went ahead and jumped right in when i should of tested out the water first. it is my fault for rushing back into these feelings... i was so sure that if i fell in love with you again, you would fall in love with me too. how is that for some romanticism?

i dont believe in love anymore 

ive given up on love and marraige

i believe in a long term infatuation

that can break at a moments notice 

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what am i fucking doing? you probably dont even read these anymore, so whats the point of letting these things out?! all my so called "writings" are just about the same shit over and over again. whats the point?! there is none. im just fucking stupid, trying to do anything to find a way back to you....i am pathetic. you probably hate how i am even more now than before when we were actually together. i even pity myself for what i have become. all this constant crying and hating myself. i need to forget. i need to repress shit. cause i know for a fact that if i do not rescue myself from this slump no one else will.