i do not want to believe in love anymore

please do not be so ashamed of me anymore. acknowledge me in front of others. make me feel as though i still exist in your life. i have been hiding behind bed sheets and whispers for too long. from underneath our pillow talk i had found myself outwardly screaming out how much i loved you. even after i had lost my voice, with my tongue i would continuously spell out how much i needed you. i am the complete definition of being hung up over a person. i am invisible. i am selfish. i am not happy but i have to choke my feelings down, it is not just about me. fuck my life. fuck these feelings.

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i feel bad for my dad. he puts up with so much. he had made a mistake that has cost him his wife's sanity. my mother is taking her anger out in anyway she knows how. she has particularly regressed back to some sort of child like behaviors mainly because she does not know how to express herself in a situation such as this one. her first love hiding a secret that ended up being a scam he had fell deep within into the whole time. he had fallen into a hoax that resulted into so much screaming ...... i just do not know. i do not ever want to get married if it is going to end up like something like this. so much fighting and hate. i do not want my kids growing up with their ears ringing from screams of crying and resentment. i do not believe that i should go down the marriage aisle, it is not for me.

i dont wanna fight anymore.

im tired of trying to hold it all together.

when can i just be happy?