BC

no matter what happens i need to think positive. these hormones are driving me crazy. cant you tell? one second i think im a mess and the next i feel like i have all my shit together. i dont know what is going on. i just want to step off this roller coaster and finally relax my mind. it is starting to fill itself up to the brim with all the constant contradicting, bringing my self esteem higher, and then making it fall back down with negative memories.

i am trying my best to keep my spirits up by making myself occupied though out the day. in the end i feel like i just need a good hug and reality check to see my real sense of worth . . . i just dont know when its going to happen. till then i am going to ignore the hormones. gosh i am such a girl, i hate it.

i want a hug.

what can i say? she just knows me.

why do we look like the same person?

SURPRISE: Gentlemen Don't Kiss and Tell

2:04 in the morning, the usual time i stay up until now because of how procrastination always finds a way to entice me with its flashy new notifications on facebook, endless scrolling on tumblr, and random text messages either from twitter or friends. damn you procrastination. anyways during this moment of dragging my homework time out till the wee hours of the morning i have come to many revelations involving our relationship. having so much work to do but so little time on my hands, i have found that in one of my study breaks the reason why i love you so much. naturally this is probably the point in a relationship where the "i hate that i love you so much" takes place, but ill probably save that post for another time.

over the past couple years you have shown much promise with your determination to prove to me that not only are men are not what i actually perceive them to be but you were nonetheless living proof of a real man, a gentleman. till this day everything you have done has very much surprised me, in a good way. i pinky promise.

you have shown your signs of weakness like any human would. temptation can be a crazy thing. it can either let it taint the whole relationship or make it stronger than before. in the end, after my constant crying and worrying about where your head our relationship is, you choose the path where you can hold your head high from learning from the mistakes you have made. your pride had been put down slowly and the act of "putting yourself in the place of your significant other" has flown on through. it has always been the greatest feeling in this relationship to hear that you still care immensely for me. you just continue to prove me wrong. it is that determination that you have.

i do not actually tell you this out loud but i am proud of you. you have no idea how far you have come. life has given you so many obstacles and yet are sane as can be haha. from a boy without a big father figure in his life to teach you how to be a man, yet alone be a gentleman, you have managed to become incredibly humble and grown up because of this. you have taken the best traits and characteristics from your mother, uncles, friends' dads, and your own friends to make up the kind of man you are today. this is what i have fallen for, time and time again: your own determination to become the better man. i am so happy to be your girlfriend. no matter what these past posts say . . . i wouldnt have it any other way than this.

the reason why i do not usually post happy things on here is because

they take time to type it all out. honestly i rather be living out the moment

than to take my time to type up every detail. i guess im just lazy?

hehehehehehe i hope you read this soon
btw im hungry

Secret #2

i am going to be blatantly honest right now: i dont know why i can never tell you this. maybe im afraid of what you will say? i can picture you agreeing with me and it breaking my heart so much. but on the other hand you probably will not even say anything in regard to this and it will kill me just as much. in my mind i can expect that you could comfort me and make me feel back in my place again. alas what i do expect has a big possibility it most likely wont happy though. i could only dream, right?

i really do feel like there is something wrong with me, why else would you fall out of love with me? i dont feel good enough for you . . . i dont feel like the girl you want me to be. the one who can stay out late at night with you, is gorgeous and has a nice body, social with others, and is real interesting. i feel like you dont want me anymore cause of all of this . . . i really dont feel good enough.

i try my best to be the best girlfriend i can be. giving you anything that you want: your space, food, gifts, anything you want i will try to give it to you to make you happy, even if it does make you momentarily happy. before all this happened, i use to go as far as begging my parents to letting me out of the house cause i know you always wanted to be out with me at night. now that i can go out more than usual, i feel as though it is too late. but in the end though, i try my best to pray to the Lord as much as i can and try my luck with wishes in hope you will see my efforts and return the same feelings of love that i have towards you back at me once more. sometimes i see it come through and other times i pray and wish harder. i really do love you still

i cant stop crying.

ive been feeling like this for months now.

secret

i cant stop thinking . . . i want to run into your arms and cry out to and for you so bad but im so afraid to. everything is getting to be so rough but i just dont know why i cant tell you these things, anymore. how could i be so afraid to let everything go in front of my own boyfriend?

i need you so bad . . . i need my boyfriend

take a deep breath

You don’t want him talking to her because you know she’s pretty, you’re scared that she might be more of his type, you’re assuming that he’ll lose feelings for you & gain them for her, you’re thinking that when he’s not talking to you, he’s talking to her. You dislike how when you guys have problems, he’ll run to her, tell her & she’ll seem to understand him better than you do & you’re scared that he’s gonna leave you for her.

"to forgive but never forget," i can't forget the things that have taken place in the past even though i wish i could. THIS is what has been going through my mind for the longest time. i always want to tell you this but i either get all choked up or i know you will get upset if i bring a subject such as this one up to you. so i hold it in and revert back to trying to be in the moment with you. bottom line is i dont want to lose another boyfriend this way.

it is so hard trying not to revert back to being that ol' negative and pessimistic person that i was before. i just have my moments of weakness; i just can't help it. every action has a reaction and now i am more scared to lose you now than ever . . .

Waldeinsamkeit

(German) The feeling of being alone in the woods.

i want an escape for a while into the sunlight and summer/autumn air. just some time to myself to step back to walk around and just let myself wander without worrying about when i have to get back or where i am even going. i just want my ipod in one hand, water in the other and just leave behind the constant anxiety. i wish with every step that i take i forget all the negative things that i have come upon in my life. i promise that i will take in the beauty that this earth has come to create and appreciate all the blessings that sprung up. let me close my eyes to listen to the bees fly by, feel the crunch of leaves underneath me and just submerge myself into the moment. i want some time to relax and not care about anything but me and my happiness. i want to find a way to please me.

im hungry

Haruki Murakami

“I always feel like I’m struggling to become someone else. Like I’m trying to find a new place, grab hold of a new life, a new personality. I guess it’s part of growing up, yet it’s also an attempt to reinvent myself. By becoming a different me, I could free myself of everything. I seriously believed I could escape myself- as long as I made the effort. But I always hit a dead end. No matter where I go, I still end up me. What’s missing never changes. The scenery may change, but I’m still the same old incomplete person. The same missing elements torture me with a hunger that I can never satisfy. I guess that lack itself is as close as I’ll come to define myself.”

this is the feeling i can never put into words. this is that lost feeling late at night that i ponder about right before i drift off into sleep. it is a good feeling to know that at least i am really not that alone in the end.

blowing off some esteem

no matter how happy i am right now this always finds a way to creep back into my life. for the past couple days ive been getting back into that mood again of feeling as though i am not good enough, particularly feeling as though i am not pretty enough. how typical right? a girl with self esteem issues. i dont know, sometimes i wish i had a better body, had a prettier smile, and was flat out gorgeous. i know i am not ugly and i know i am not beautiful either. i am somewhere in the middle, the place where there is always room for more improvements.

i know this may come off as something stupid and people may think i am just complaining/seeking attention but this is really how i feel. a couple people may call me pretty but i honestly dont see it. all i see is "room for improvement." insert bigger breasts here, exchange these eyes, fix that stomach, adjust that smile, take away that blundering attitude, hmmm lets just erase all of this and redo everything, shall we?

you know those girls who dont even need to put make up or fix their hair, basically some girl with fuckin swag. i wish i was her. confidence emanating from her as she walks into the room. she can talk up a storm in any situation so she isnt awkward. she is always fun, loving, and being insecure with herself is the last thing on her mind. she can go out with her friends when she wants to and she is down right funny when she does. i wish i was her . . .

Meraki

here you go, you knew it was coming and now its here:

"which one is the closest star?" he whispered to me as we laid down on our make shift bed. there was only a pink towel that depicted Hanna Montana's face and logo that was between us and the soil underneath. it surprised me; in all my life of living here i havent seen this many stars in the city before this very night. with that infinite feeling overwhelming every part of my body, i gazed up at each bright star looking for the answer to your question. "that one because it's the brightest, i guess?" pointing up to the wayward sky, hoping to the heavens that i got the answer right so i would not look like some fool in front of him. "nope" he was quick in his reply back to me and i was just left there confused and wondering to myself: how would you even know? he then pulled my chin up to look at his smirking face, like he had all those times before when we were first going out and said "youre the closest star." i lit up like gasoline and sparks flew ecstatically from my chest crossing over to my finger tips causing my arm to wrap around his body tight. it is funny because with my hair disheveled, make up all a mess, basically half naked, and dirt all over i have never felt so beautiful in my life as i did in this moment. i closed my eyes to let my other senses bathe in this feeling as well.

"i just saw a shooting star" he told me. jealously, i rapidly opened my eyes and positioned my head back up to the night sky. "i always wanted to see one!" i exclaimed my feelings to him. with that being said a small flash of white light drew itself across the sky. i felt like i was eight years old again, pretending i was a little princess in a Disney movie, wishing on stars, and knowing they will come true. i closed my eyes tight and wished with all my heart. "there you go," he said "your first shooting star, and it was with me." i could hear the sense of accomplishment he withing the pauses of his voice like he was the one who plucked the star from its place and immediately dragged it from one side of the universe to the other just for me. we laid there taking in the cold air and drinking up each other's delicious company. all of this within a span of an hour; i didnt want to be anywhere else but there.

during the wee hours of the morning we both starred in out own version of a Disney film. i am Ariel, the mermaid wanting to see the outside world and he is Prince Eric who guided my feet to a land i have never been before. i was his Jasmine and he was my Aladdin, the street rat. i am still Meg, the girl afraid to love again and he is Hercules the hero who changed her perspective of all men.

christopher

i still think about you from time to time. i wonder whether or not you would still laugh at the same jokes, listen to the same music, wear the same clothes, have the same dreams, smoke the same cigarettes (even though i would so totally yell at you for it) if you were still here. i wonder if you would be happy right now.

its been so long now since i have seen your actual face. i dont really remember your laugh anymore. i cant hear your voice in my head at all. its all so hazy, like you are just part of a dream that i never wanted to forget. but in time, like everything else, i feel as though am going to forget every detail of you all together. i am so afraid that.

every time i listen to that song, i cant help but to miss you. chills run up my arms and then i start to tearing up. "dont feel bad for me, i want you to know deep in the cell of my heart i really want to go. there is another world. there is a better world. there must be." haha you picked the perfect song for me to remember you by, didnt you? you knew me all so well that i had a need for constant reassurance and with this song you had an idea that its too perfect for the likes of me. in your little ways you still let me know that you are okay. i try not to be needy after this song but still on top of everything i miss you. i do wish i could see you one more time just to remember you at least a bit better than i do now.

i hope where ever you are, you still remember me.

THESONG

i am so stupid

im just so angry with myself that i dont know what to do. i have told you what he said to me and our whole conversation. there was no lying or any stretching of the truth. i had told you everything about that short 5 minute conversation. but still it doesnt matter how long i talked to him or how much of it i told you. i still talked to someone you dislike a lot and i am trying to understand how you still feel about him. (lowkey though i thought you were in a way okay with him now. gosh what was i thinking?! even if you were somewhat okay with him doesnt mean i should do what i did. fuckin aye, fuck fuck fuckin aye, look at me beating myself up again.) i know you hate picturing anything about my past and i shouldnt have talk to him to have you bring that picture up in your mind again.

i really dont know what else to say but "i am sorry that i talked to him, christian is part of the past that i will never forgive. he is just the past and no matter what happen with him before, i rather it not bother to you at all because he is nothing to me, and you are everything. you are in this relationship with me now, and frankly i want NOTHING to do with him. i dont ever want a ride from him, any my feelings for him, or anything about him to come back. in the end of the day is his still scum to me, no matter how nice he tries to act. i know i messed up by replying back but trust me when i say that small conversation with christian was nothing to me but answering a question and of course i have to bring you up to him, and hopefully, in due time, you will feel as though it is nothing as well. frankly, i hope that you see that no matter what happened in any of my relationships in the past, you should not let it interfere with our relationship today." mmmm i guess that is how i would of liked to be comforted if this type of thing happened to me? yet i still know how you feel about me talking to him and how you hate it so much more than i can imagine. and i know you are not like me in this department and all of that didnt really do anything to make you feel better and so i suppose from past experience only time and being busy with your friends can make you feel better.

i just hope after you have your time away . . . we can go back to being happy together again. i think that is what is killing me the most. i always mess up like this when were doing so good, i had a bad feeling about it. then i end up beating myself up for everything, crying a lot, and just reverting to that stage of being more stressed out than before. that is why i was crying so much last night, i dont want us to go back to what happen in the past, to where you would talk to me less and less with your short answers and i seemed more like someone you just had to deal with day in and out to please than a girlfriend, your girlfriend. we have been though so much happiness that this week to the point where it had been one of the best in months. i mean i was really happy with you and surely you were feeling the same way about me. i just dont want this to blow up in our faces and set us to back track through all the bad times again.

please dont let us go back

Life is Good

*knock on wood*

this week at a glance

for the past couples days ive been loving my time with you. i dont want to jinx anything but i love us. youve been so good to me. the little things you do and say to me have been making me so happy.

Late Sunday night: we talked about our life together. it was one of those nostalgic talks about the future, marriage, the past, and how we come to be today. we talked about how we will never know who we will marry. it is pretty bittersweet knowing and accepting the fact that we will eventually break everything off to find the "one" and that person will most likely not be you. its that accepting that concept part that killed us for a split second. it was a sudden realization to what is to come and it was comforting to know that we felt the same way about it: upset but we just wanted one another to be happy . . . even though i hoped that your future girl would be fat :P

we have grown up so much since we first starting going out. in a way we both are still different: you are a realist and i am still a dreamer. i told you that in the past i tried to be a realist like you so i wouldnt get hurt as much but you reassured me that i shouldnt and that i should just be myself because thats how i am most comfortable.

you told me that you wished that you can feel the same way as i do about our relationship. i could hear your breaths on the other line become dimmer and dimmer. i could hear how upset you are through your tone of voice. i stated to cry like always right? ive had the same wish for the longest time but to hear your confess that you want the same thing as i do, i couldnt help it. i needed to cry. it always comforts me to know that you feel the same way. its a breath of fresh air and a reminder of the fact that you do still care about me and our relationship.

i fell asleep that night to the comforting sounds of your breath and rustling of blankets from the other end of the phone.

Monday morning texts:

Me: What time are you coming babe?
You: Real soon cutie pie :]
Me: Hehehe okie dokie baby
You: Okay just wait cutie butt
Me: Iight bubble butt

you took care of me without any if's, and's, or but's this day. i was having woman troubles and you were there to massage them away. the cooling hands of comfort, always there when i need them. we had also watched a movie together. you could have simply finished the movie when i left to go back to school but you didnt. you waited for me patiently till i got back to your house so we can finish it together. you know those little things that make me happy, that attention to the details that always put a smile on my face, that was most certainly it.

Tuesday: it is those moments when were just rolling around your bed laughing and playing around with each other. just like in the movies you can definitely feel the love emanating from that room. im just there in your arms so delightfully happy and you pulling my bangs back with your hand. with your arm under my neck you reach over and to touch my forehead while we are play fighting. i realized that you were touching my "widows peak" area, i couldnt help but laugh so hard. (you know why haha) we spent the remaining time in the bed ya . . . haha

when we ate you had a silly idea of pretending like we were rich people. so we then proceeded eating at each of the long ends of the table. how proper of us right? these days with you give me so much hope for the next days to come.

Today: i woke up late to your text message saying that you were already on your way to my house. i didnt know that you actually took the bacon breakfast seriously. but then again, youre always serious about bacon. with disheveled hair and eye boogers still intact, i attempted to give you what i had promised late last night. even though the bacon was more burnt more than usual. you ate most of it while you showed me the choreo that you learned from the workshop the night before. i always love watching you dance. not only doesnt it make me proud of you because you are doing what you love to do but it honestly makes me even more happy to know that i am your girlfriend. you are such an amazing dancer, please dont ever sell yourself short about that.

its the little things like saying "okay hold my folder so you can look cute," actually holding hands while letting me swing it back and forth, or stepping on dried leaves with me that make my day ten times better than usual.

thank you so much for the food baby. it was DELISHHH. and i cant thank you enough for the past couple days, it really has changed my perspective of you and our relationship. this is what ive been needing. i hope one day soon you can feel a bit of what you have felt before because honestly baby when you do you will have that sigh of relief and you can feel the weight of the world come off your shoulders, i swear.

i love you baby.

Fighting for the Good

we are fighting to make things work.

a bit complex, if i dont say so myself.

my dad hugged me tight, kissed my forehead and told me "if you love one another you both will fight for what you believe in and you should believe in your relationship working out. all couples simply fight and that it is a natural thing to do, so i dont think you need to worry about anything. it will be a struggle but at the end of the day you should be the only person in his mind . . . sometimes the full moon can make people crazy and do things that they are not suppose to. you have your times like that, i know he does too . . . all relationships, like plants, need a little mending and tending to from time to time and if you do not, you are gonna end up with handfuls of weeds and ugly shrubs in your relationship. but if you tend the relationship too much you are going to cause him to stray away from you even more. so give everything time to flourish and grow . . . you are an amazing girl and if he doesnt see that, its his loss. if he doesnt see that baby, hes crazy because you are the most beautiful girl in the world. and if that time comes when he does go, i will always be here for you . . . always baby."

thank you so much daddy. you are the best dad in the world. thank you for giving me these words that will certainly get me through the night.

i hope you are read this. i really hope you are not talking to some other girl on the phone tonight because i made you mad/annoyed of me and my unsettling feelings . . . :'[ please just dont confine to another girl.

it is the time of night when i miss you the most. i contemplate to myself what if i never brought that up, what would we be doing right now. i would probably be texting you right now, telling you how much i love you and i miss you. basically blowing up my phone with just you. i would tell you that i am willing to take care of my sick boyfriend, no matter if i get sick or not. you would call me cute names while i would giggle to them silently. i would save your texts on my phone so i can look back on them when i miss you and smile even more about how you are so sweet to me. we would be joking around with each other over the phone. id tell you random facts and what i did and saw that day. you would sing and rap to me and i would laugh at you when you would mess up a line. late at night i would be falling soundly asleep tonight to your guitar and not to the worries filling up my mind. and i will hear your faint voice say "i love you, goodnight. muah." through speakerphone.

sorry, i just really miss my boyfriend right now
i would do anything to talk to him
i cant help but to be so weak for him

you make me happy

you have been real concerned for me for the past couple days. it all started from the anonymous "questions" calling me a whore and a slut over and over again. you were there for me when i needed you. i cried and cried about what that person said to me till a fell asleep. thank goodness you logged onto my tumblr and saw it all. my knight in shining armor coming to rescue me. it was late saturday night when i picked up your call. i didnt want to bother you with what just happened but to my surprise you already knew what was going on. you comforted me and reminded me how much of a good person i really am. you seriously dont know how much that meant to me.

to cheer me up even more, we went on a date today. the first date in months and i hope there will be more to come. with back cramps i walked over to your house and we finished Mega Mind while you rubbed my aching muscles. from there it was jamba juice, forever 21, and picking up my daddy's bowl from color me mine. just walking around with you through the mall we joked around. called each other names. held hands. the works you know? the very last place where we finish off the day was at san sai. it was so great and filling. so many rolls, so much edamame, i still feel full. to top our luncheon off, you called me cute! i couldnt help but to light up. i love those moments with you when i can really feel like you love me. i dont know? maybe its just me and my happiness at the moment. but i was reminded of that fact that i still am your girlfriend.

when you were dropping me off i told you how insecure i was about her. how i didnt like that you laid down with her and that she hacks your phone like that. although im trying my hardest to be okay with everything, i just didnt want to be replaced by some other girl. i didnt want you to treat her as though she was your girlfriend and have history repeat itself. i told you that the guys can see it too. i was just worried of that. i wanted you to be aware of it all. before i got out of your car you reassured me though. she is just a friend and nothing more. you love me and no one would replace me. you took my hand and held it. a simple gesture of comfort coming from you.

and i love it. i love today. let it stay like this *knock on wood*

i wish i could tell you how im feeling right now

i want to tell you how hurt i am with out you brushing it off as just some other random complaint. i want you to see it through my eyes and realize whats going on. i want you to see how it actually looks like and how scared i am on the other side of this.
hopefully you can be receptive of the things i have to say. hopefully i could stop worrying about this, because baby for the past couple days ive felt so happy and i feel so good being with you. i mean like my perception of this relationship has changed for the better more than i thought it would in just a couple days. i dont want "this" to ruin it all.

love your one and only girlfriend,

shannen

sometimes

im really afraid to call you because i dont want to get shot down when you dont pick up my phone calls.

tomorrow is our 2 year 3 months

i wonder how this is gonna work out . . . . :/

nothing ever comes easily

i laid there still awake, 5 o'clock in the morning contemplating my next move and wishing that a wave of sleep would rush over my body. of course i was still in shock over what had happen a couple hours before hand. i play it over and over again in my head wishing that the next morning it would just magically be erased and i would have you a bit more happy again with me. but alas it wont be gone so easily.

i toss and turn on a bed full of insecurities, wishes, jealousy, and regret. thoughts clash together and a raging war in my mind goes off.

"why the fuck would you say that?"
"im sorry . . . i didnt mean to make him mad."

"dont you understand that he needs space?"

"yea, but i was just a little desperate. i cant just turn to someone else for help."

"you should have never even called him in the first place."

"i know, but i was really upset and i couldnt help but cry a lot."

"you fuckin cry about everything!!"

"i cant help but feel this way after everything that weve gone through in these past 2 weeks."
"so fuckin stupid!"
"yea . . . i know"

it goes back and forth like that. well not actually talking to myself but just beating myself up for doing that.

i really wish i didnt make you mad . . . i relle wish i could go out at night to make you happy. i wish i could stop feeling so broken. i wish i could just feel okay after what had happen last week, but i cant. nothing worth fighting for ever comes easy.

why do i feel so insecure right now?

:'[ help.

mommy and daddy

i wish my parents had a better relationship. my mom always picks fights and my dad always tries to make her happy. whenever my mom tries to walk away, he pulls her back to just try to kiss her as if one kiss can solve years of drifting apart.

i cant help but cry about this. i mean yea you kind of have to get use to it but once you actually realize whats happening . . . it is so heart breaking to see how much he tries to make her see how much he really loves her.

whenever i pray, i ask God to help my mom and my dad get closer to each other. sometimes he answers my prayers, other times it seems as though they really arent meant to be together.

i wish they can just meet each other half way.

i hate the moments before you go to sleep

you just toss and turn over the unresolved conflicts that had happen in the past. there are the things you wish you spoken out about and the other times when you wish you could of keep your mouth clamped shut. you reach back within yourself and let out the ugly and bad. anger and loneliness creeps into your mind to just say hi again. and then you realize that it is just you, by yourself, laying there hoping things will get better in the morning. now you just wish for dreams to carry you away from all your worries, all the bitterness, and negativity.

the flecks of gold in the sand

i just saw this post in my private posts on tumblr and i dont know? i guess it just made me really happy

"i sat there, the windows rolled down letting the warm summer air graze across my cheeks. my hair became completely frazzled as the wind played with each strand. next to you, i did what i would always do, stare out onto the the all so familiar trees and houses that always let the right amount of sunlight through them. these landmarks always gave off the feeling that this day was a great one and that there would be many more soon to come. i turned over to you with eyes wide and full of all the sincerity i could ever give another human being. rosy cheeked and eyes batting ever so gently, i became embarrassed. i soon realized that i could never love a person as much as i loved you, in this very moment. and of course, knowing me, i did not have the courage to tell you this myself. so instead i exchanged the verbal for a more physical language. my hand inched slowly over in your direction. finger tips slide over the back of your hand for it to whisper that i was there, then curves around to grasp it tight. our fingers interlock like a zipper and there on your right side, i still sit. there, on my left side, you are still driving me home"

its been eating at me for days

this has been a draft for about a week now:

there was a flicker of false hope. it was a kind of slight glance into something that i had always wanted. it was thundering and dangerously beautiful. in the beginning it was quite comforting to fall asleep to your voice on the phone. the vibrations would roll off your tongue and slip through your lips with a flirtatious slur to make me feel as though i am the only one you would always do this to. your voice held itself high, so strong and sincere. i couldn't help but to be drawn in by it.

in my dreams it was otherwise. there was a movie of vague images where i could always make out the girls who would leisurely passing me by to get to you and you let them in. alluring each one of them with that smirk that always made me weak and whispers of taking them away to some destination. it was like i wasn't even there in front of you and i couldn't even stop it. everything was all so real, i should of known that it was.

--------------------------

dear bryan,

so what to do now? how can you regain back my trust without getting annoyed of me and me spiteful of you? dont get me wrong here but i still do want to be with you. i want you in my life not only as the rock i can lean on when times get tough but as a truly faithful boyfriend. i guess in order for me to trust you again, you need to give me some sort of hope that nothing like that will ever come around again. baby you still have time to redeem yourself and to not become one of "them."

you ask me why i am still with you, well its because i can see that we still have the potential to love each other like we have before. it all came out during our late friday night rendezvous. you told me that you felt like you had the world in your arms when you were holding me. i loved it so much that i started crying. i had honestly forgotten how sweet your can be because i havent seen that side of you in such a long time. sometimes i felt as if it wasnt going to come back anymore but in that moment i just didnt want to leave your embrace. i missed you holding me like that babe.

even though friday night was amazing, i still have all these crazy mixed emotions in my head. from being tired of nightmares coming true, you hiding things from me, to you holding me in the moonlight and having those intimate talks with one another before i get out of your car to leave. it is just hurts so much to remember. bryan you had told me on friday night "i guess we just forgot how to be in love with each other." but the great thing about forgetting is that you can always remember . . . i love you so much, i just want to be happy . . . with you.

baby let me say it again, i love you and if you take offense to this, please dont be quick to anger. im just simply letting out how i feel in a place where i know for a fact only YOU read my posts lol. hopefully you can understand that though. youve been really good at understanding my feelings lately. thank you so much for that.

i love you,

your girlfriend

p.s. tell me if you read this LOL

Babe

I love you.

Idk when your'e gonna see this but im hoping that one day when you go on here to blog about your problems, you'll see this and remind you that I love you Shannen Zarate. I know things aren't what they used to be and feelings aren't as strong but we're still holding on :'] Well babe, I love you and hopefully this will make you feel better.

Love your one and only boyfriend,
Bryan

guide lines for a mother

dear mommy,

how can i tell you this? how can i tell you how i feel without you yelling at me? i have so much to tell you but i seriously do not know how to start. saturday you told me that you want a book on how to raise me, but i will give you something that kind of comes close to that, a letter.

let us start from the beginning. ever since i was little i have noticed the different ways you would treat me and my sister. one one hand she gets the side of you that is sweet talking and full of praise and what i see from you is scattered hope for me and a bunch of "why couldn't you be better?" i suppose it all originated from my fallout from this "innocent" child that you thought i would always be. i was in my rebellious phase when you started to look down upon me. you may think to yourself that you never do this, but you do. trust me you do. i hear it each time you tell me that i should be more responsible like caitlin with her straight A's and her perfect record. i should not have to stress the honest truth that it hurts being compared to someone you know for a fact that is and will always will better than you.

still though to prove a bigger point: this rebellious phase happens to all kids and please do not tell me "well why do you have to be like all those kids?" well i am not trying to be. in my psychology class we learned about these phases that both kids and teens go through and it is normal. there is always just that point in time when a kid has to break free from under their parents' wing and to exert their independence in anyway that they know how. it is absolutely normal and there is not anything wrong with me.

i have matured over time and if you do not see that, then (i am sorry for being too blunt to you but) you are blind. i know now whats right from wrong and i do not expect to go back to that one shannen who always messed up over and over again. i have grown up and despite from what you may think, i know what i want to do with my life now. i am now a woman who knows who she is and knows how she should not to be treated. no longer am i that rebellious kid that you knew before, i just now speak my mind.

like you mom, if you know something is wrong you speak your mind to try to fix it. you call the other person out on what they did and tell them your side of the story, try to persuade them that what they did was wrong and if they do not understand what you are saying you use force. i got that from you. it can be bad and good. haha!

mommy i don't hate you, just the way you treat me at times. yes, i know it is only because you care about me and my future. still there are these times when i do not need all that extra weight put upon me. a mommy is suppose to take away the fears and worries not create more of them.

daddy tells me that this is how you show me that you care - you tell me that i have to prove you wrong, i have to always do better, that i should be responsible. you do this so much, this odd way of showing me that you care that it makes me so frustrated and makes me feel like i can never get anything right, so why try? so i quit trying to prove you wrong, cry, and just started to get more into my work. all the while i try to ignore some of the negative comments that you make.

i understand that i brought it upon myself nonetheless. you have specific guide lines that i have to live up to, so i better get them right or else the fighting begins. and then at the end of the day neither one of us wants to be in this situation, so we get more grumpy and more fighting breaks out.

i am so sorry for that mommy. regardless of what you may think about me, i have felt like a horrible daughter for telling you all those mean spiteful things. i just wanted you to see how i felt. whenever you would call me stupid, disgusting, etc, it would like a stab in the heart. each one of those comments made me grow away from you. yes i know, two wrongs never make a right. i am just so sorry for it. you are not a horrible mom, you are just misunderstood and i just need to calm down before anything like that comes out of my mouth again.

mommy i do love you, i love you through all our arguments and our imperfections that clash together. we are both human mommy. were trying to know more about each other but our pride and stubbornness gets in the way of everything that is going on. that is what is wrong with us. we have no formal form of communication. hopefully i will try to keep that communication alive between us and nothing like what happen for the past couple weeks will occur again. please mommy do the same.

love, your daughter

p.s. please be receptive with all these things that i tell you. i do not wish to fight or anything like that anymore. i just want to talk. anything here or any issues that we have, we can talk about if you are still concerned.

you dont talk to me anymore

and you dont realize how much that hurts . . . .

you dont look at me in the eyes anymore