i wish i was enough for you.

Moulin Rouge

no words can express the angst that has fallen into my lap these past couple hours. if it seeps out it is yet again thrown back into my face with a reminder of how much of a bad person i ultimately should see myself to be. today i have reached the point where i had truly broken down on to my knees in anger and frustration. i have snapped my spine in so many places just to see a smile grace your lips. i am really a sight to see when i am angry. i became accustomed to the short fuse that my maiden name is known for. screaming towards memories that i can no longer fix and throwing around any of the scarce hope i have left. "if only..." i cry out to no one.

i havent eaten today.

too upset to be hungry.

too lonely to be angry.

 

here once more

i am still trying my best to have faith, but yet again i lay awake thinking how hard it is to prove its existence. all i can go off of is the things i have seen from movies, read in books, and heard in random stories from distance people, but yet no great tangible evidence to convince me otherwise. maybe i am looking at this at a wrong angle. maybe this thing called true love is harder to achieve than i expect.

Nocturne

the record plays a little bit louder now. during the day, it is the hush lull in the background as the main character speaks up. the beat, like constant clockwork, never misses its cue. its melodic verses crescendos more during the late evenings to remind the mind it is still there. at times it builds itself into a roar of white noise that filters out even the sweetest notes. when does the song end?

This. This will help.

i use to fall asleep to this.

i had forgotten how beautiful it was.

i miss this.

i miss a lot of things.

the conclusion

i engulfed myself into the quiet recorded moments alone with you and i do not know how to stop. all i could think about is how long we have been in one another's arms, how many times our lips have touched, and all the smiles we have shared with each other. it has been a rough journey and now our chapter together has come to an end. here is our conclusion:
there was a time when i had seen a boy from the corner of my eye. each second had seemed to slow down just for me as i tried to get a better glance at him. little did i know at the moment that he was the person who was going to change me. little did i know what i was going to get myself into. over a course of four years together we had gotten much closer and cozier. we had our good share of love, fights, jealousy, and a lot of food that made us grow into better people than we were beforehand. but mistrust in one another lead us both down a road of disappointment and heart breaks. in the end we had both taken the high road and reached the point where we knew we had to take our separate paths. with no fighting, just a little more tears and straight understanding we had went on our way. it was a great adventure i had taken with him, i had grown more patience and love than i had with any other person before. and where ever his path takes him i hope he finds his happiness, i hope he finds what he is looking for. 

you were a great boyfriend.

im sorry i didnt say it much.

you kept me grounded,

and held me tight.

loving isnt an easy thing to do.

many things get in the way of love 

just to make it all complicated.

but without complications how could we learn?

i do not want to believe in love anymore

please do not be so ashamed of me anymore. acknowledge me in front of others. make me feel as though i still exist in your life. i have been hiding behind bed sheets and whispers for too long. from underneath our pillow talk i had found myself outwardly screaming out how much i loved you. even after i had lost my voice, with my tongue i would continuously spell out how much i needed you. i am the complete definition of being hung up over a person. i am invisible. i am selfish. i am not happy but i have to choke my feelings down, it is not just about me. fuck my life. fuck these feelings.

_______________________

i feel bad for my dad. he puts up with so much. he had made a mistake that has cost him his wife's sanity. my mother is taking her anger out in anyway she knows how. she has particularly regressed back to some sort of child like behaviors mainly because she does not know how to express herself in a situation such as this one. her first love hiding a secret that ended up being a scam he had fell deep within into the whole time. he had fallen into a hoax that resulted into so much screaming ...... i just do not know. i do not ever want to get married if it is going to end up like something like this. so much fighting and hate. i do not want my kids growing up with their ears ringing from screams of crying and resentment. i do not believe that i should go down the marriage aisle, it is not for me.

i dont wanna fight anymore.

im tired of trying to hold it all together.

when can i just be happy?

Sigmund Freud

 “Human beings are funny. They long to be with the person they love but refuse to admit openly. Some are afraid to show even the slightest sign of affection because of fear. Fear that their feelings may not be recognized, or even worst, returned. But one thing about human beings that puzzles me the most is their conscious effort to be connected with the object of their affection even if it kills them slowly within.”

longing takes over me tonight. it greets me with a kiss and keeps me coming back for more. pillows and stuffed animals turn into makeshift forms of  you. anything to make it feel as though things are back to where i want them to be, anything to have the feeling of you holding me. the art of pretending is my hobby of the night.

i needed to indulge in  the moment while it lasted.

the possibility of this happening again anytime soon was slim.

to hear your steady heartbeat in your ear again....

to have your hand clasping mine....

the soft vibrations in your voice....

the comfort of laying next to you....

i need to dream of you tonight. please.

 

late nights

i had finally fallen asleep after all that crying i had done. just the thought of picturing you with some other girl hurt more than i ever thought it would have. i hid under the blanket trying to muffle out my whimpers. oh at the moment i just wanted to sleep so badly. i had thought to myself that maybe if i slept, maybe if i was lucky enough i would have been blessed with a good dream about you. i want to dream about us being happy together in your bed, covered by your sheets and surrounded by your pillows. with one hand pushing back my hair and the other tightly around me, three words whispered together ease out effortlessly and all would be right in the world once again. alas, not much to my surprise my dream never came. i am now back up again begging for sleep to take over me.

________________________

im angry. i fell back in love with you again. why did i have to go and do that? now i am not happy, love does not make me happy because you know what comes along with love? jealousy, longing, and fear. this whole package deal keeps me up, tossing and turning and puts terrible images inside my head. i spend hours trying to find somewhere in my mind to get away. i try to romanticize this whole grandeur like scenarios that lead me to get my hopes and in the end i feel like shit once more. i fell in love with you again. what a silly thing to do in this sort of situation when everything seemed so uncertain. i did not waste any time in my feelings. i had just went ahead and jumped right in when i should of tested out the water first. it is my fault for rushing back into these feelings... i was so sure that if i fell in love with you again, you would fall in love with me too. how is that for some romanticism?

i dont believe in love anymore 

ive given up on love and marraige

i believe in a long term infatuation

that can break at a moments notice 

________________________

what am i fucking doing? you probably dont even read these anymore, so whats the point of letting these things out?! all my so called "writings" are just about the same shit over and over again. whats the point?! there is none. im just fucking stupid, trying to do anything to find a way back to you....i am pathetic. you probably hate how i am even more now than before when we were actually together. i even pity myself for what i have become. all this constant crying and hating myself. i need to forget. i need to repress shit. cause i know for a fact that if i do not rescue myself from this slump no one else will.

refresh, refresh, refresh

should i want this? should i let this go? is this even good for me? fuck all this constant thinking in circles. my fists clench up more, angry and still trying to hold onto something that is slowly but surely slipping away from me. i can no longer dream about anything good, let alone find my way to sleep. everything turns into some short get away. my mind rest for a couple hours at a time and forces itself to revert back to start. i am missing something. the ultimate test. this has never happened in this  way before.

  

i need to get my shit together

i am fucking lost

 

right here, right now

it has only been a couple hours and i have been having some withdrawls from you but i need to fight away my cravings and have my objective clear in my mind. this is what is best. this is what needs to happen. i am scared but then again so are you. if only this was not so hard to do, if only i did not worry so much about you. if only i stay next to you for a little bit longer. how can i find a way to sleep tonight?

the wall

i am here to listen. i am here for you.... i just need you to open up, even if its only just a little bit. baby steps are better than nothing at all.

sweaty palms

i do not know how to start this. my words seem to jumble up inside and i cant get the correct order of sentences to flow out right. i always run to here when i feel like i can no longer get to you. here is where you can read out all my longings, hopes, my whimpers, and angered memos. and for this right now i just have this feeling that you are in this extremely bad place and you dont want me to know anymore about it or at least burden me with the subject. but i still want to help you. i am your girlfriend right? is it not what a girlfriend is suppose to do? i want to be your shoulder to lean on when you feel low, i want to listen to your problems, and i will try my best to help you erase them. fuck i do not know how to say all this without getting extremely frustrated and angry. i just want you to let me into your life just a little bit! i want to share all the good times and each and every one of the bad times as well. i feel like i can never get to you. it is like your feelings are so far away from mine. i constantly keep reaching outward and i just end up grabbing statements like "i am fine" or "it's okay." these are the statements are the ones that stray me away from the subject and make me believe you do not want me to let me in at all. i dont know what i am saying anymore... i am literally at the verge of tears right now. all i know is that i want to help you. i really do. please let me help you. youre all i have and i don't even know what to do. 

__________________________

why do i find myself still constantly crying over you. i have done this post about a million times over and i still cant get all my uneasiness out. i need you. i have been feeling emptier than usual. i dont know what it is but it seems to only go away when i am with you. i dont care what we do, i just need you to help me let things out. it is as if am going quite crazy.

i am scared of you leaving me.

i really want to talk to you.

i have so much to say.

bryan please help me.

Dearest Bryan,

it is like you are the only constant thing in my head day in and day out and as much i hate worrying about you in every aspect i still have this incredible love and longing for you to stay in my life. i never actually knew i could care for a person as much as i care for you. its hard now, i know that for a fact, but i feel as though it is better than not having you in my life at all. i am falling for you all over again, the hard way this time. but i suppose it is rough on both ends as well. we are both scared of what happens next bryan. still i know i want your hand holding mine all the way through this time. ill
always be here for you. always.

Love, Shannen

all i think about is you

there are so many thing i need to write about and i can not stress the "need" part enough but i seem to lack the words to express it with. how could i find the time to convey all of these mixed feelings. i am still lost. still broke. still trying to find my way back to you. i promised myself that no matter what, no matter what you say, no matter how many twists and turns this takes us into, i will find my way back to you.

_________________________________

im scared for tonight frankly. i have this feeling that im going to end up alone and drinking by myself as i look onto you while you converse with some other girl across the room. your angry voice will resonate through my head: i could do a lot of things to get you back, shannen. im scared that i am going to end up crying as i try to go home...... i shouldnt be upset. i shouldnt be sad. this is what i deserve... this and worse. please lord guide me through this night.

im not okay, 

im trying to be.

im trying to be something better for you.

i just want to make you happy.

im sorry for complaining.

im just feeling incredibly low.

troubled

whats going on? i thought things were good... right? i dont know. please dont distance yourself away from me. please dont leave me alone again. this is why im so needy for your embrace, for one last kiss, and .... i dont know but im scared once again (well kinda always)

i wish i was your reason for your smile.

glittering gestures

its still too early in the day to be sinking into one of my moods again... fuck what do i even do to try to get out of this. i need to keep my mind away, i need to run away from this kinda of norm. 

Below the Heavens

i want to go back and do it all differently.

soul searchy

why do i feel so lost right now? no initial plan or anything for the future. i noticed that i overcompensate this by trying to find a way control my relationship more. but when things in this department get out of hand i start going crazy. i wish there was a way to get it through my stubborn head to do something or run away to start over somewhere else. fuck. im lost, im broke, my school life is shit, my friendships feel like they are going south, and i dont know how to get out of this funk. gaahh maybe it is easier to complain about the troubles in my life than to actually do something about it. i wish it was the opposite of that. 

thoughts of thought

forbidden things

deep questions that belong to what if...

i am lost

one of the things i fear the most is that of not being able to use my full potential. there is this underlying feeling that i know i could do so much more but the question is: how do i do it? i have realized that i am slowly but surely becoming such a lazy fuck and it is killing me. it comes to the point where i know all this but i have given into the habit of turning a blind's eye towards the subject. i want to do more but i choose the easier route to just lay in bed and forget. i have the urge to be productive but yet i lack the willpower. i know the route i want to be on but the only thing holding me back is the fact that i have no drive... what has happen to me? where is my ambition? why cant i push myself? i do the bare minimum to convince myself that i am staying afloat when in reality i am already underwater and i am drowning.

im fine. everything is totally fine.

Bryan

and this is what ended up happening, that after all the odds and all the possible outcomes this is where i am with you and i wouldnt have it any other way. here you are sleeping on the phone right next to me and here i am wishing and wanting your arms around me. youre the only one who can ease me when im frazzled and the only one i wanna fight with and you alone have the hands i only want to hold. complex as this whole thing all may be, i love you and that is all that matters...

sleep next to me

i realized why i always fall asleep next to you. when im there with my head placed in the curve between your shoulder and chest i have nothing to worry about. there is no wondering about what he is doing, who he is talking to, or worrying about if he still loves me. it just nothing but the smooth strokes of your fingers up and down my back side and your heart beat ringing in my ear. its just you and me, no one else. all the negativity melts away as i find your hand in mine.

_____________________

i just wanna keep us going as long as i possibly can. and i know its stupid for putting all my feelings of happiness into one person but so be it. fuck it all, if youre happy then im happy. if i am the one making you happy then i swear that ill be glowing. i will do anything for you, as long as youll have me.

there are times when i start to cry because i am afraid to love you to the fullest. i know that if i make you my everything again and if i lose you then ill have no one else. this extremely hard to admit... im back to where i use to be again. spending all that i have to make you see me in a little better lighting. i am down to my last dollar bills and counting up my cents to take you out or to buy you a gift. i am worrying my ass off over you once again. i find myself spending my wishes on you, holding your hand tighter, and kissing you more. all because i do not ever want to lose you.... im falling for you again and it scares the fuck out of me....

call me foolish, 

call me a confused,

but i know what love feels like

and it always keeps me wanting more of you

one day

i want it to be like this... one day

give me back my nights.

give me back my piece of mind. all of this white noise paces about around and around my head. it makes the loudest clamor that keep me up at night. it screams back out all of the things i have once said, convinces me to worry, and shows me hard evidence like videos to dwell upon once i close my eyes. and when all that is done the conflicted arguments and twisted words wrap me up against this mental block.  im tired and i do deserve to be weighted down by all this guilt but i fear myself drowning deeper and more than usual.

i must serve this penance.

underneath it all...

i find myself choking on my thoughts and conflicting wants. each thought has accumulated to the point where i feel as though i am about to bust out in tears at any moment if i dont keep myself busy and away from them. too many what if's, different angles, and twists and turns for me to handle. and here i am trying to keep my balance with all this weight on my shoulders. i am still running scared.

back to black

i feel like i dont deserve to voice my problems and worries out anymore. so i feel like crying silently shall be the only comfort i will turn to from now on.

i need to keep myself occupied while all of this goes through my head.

black rabbit

kill me. he deserves so much more than what i have to offer. im tired of crying. im tired of pretending that im strong... i want the easy way out....

ive been so heated but i cant tell you about that....

aftermath

a midst all the tossing and turning, after the foreplay, and in between hard kisses, i saw you. i looked right into your eyes like i did a million times before and outlined every curvature of your face with my eyes. everything was different, all bad and good at the same time and it made me want you at that moment more than i have ever wanted you before. for a lack of a better word, you were beautiful. you looked like the boy i feel in love with again. scared for the future but yet you know that you did not want to be anywhere else but here.
i was in love with you again. the boy who walked me home and told me his secrets. the person who delicately gave me kisses on both cheeks, nose, and my lips. the boy who i held so many promises with just a wrap of our pinkies and a quick kiss. i was in love with you, my high school sweet heart, my biggest crush, those kind eyes, and soft skin. i dont think i can ever want anyone else more than i want you.

my heart is the worst

when life isnt going my way i turn to you to help fix it with me, but now that you are no longer here... i am lost. i no longer have your guiding hand now. those privileges are denied to me. fuck i am so weak for you.

here i am to beg for you

i literally dont know how it came to be here nor can i give you a definitive answer on why i did it. there are always multiple reasons behind a persons actions. i was lonely, i was tired, i was afraid that you were doing the same thing - in my mind thats what all the signs were pointing to. all those posts that youve liked on instagram and tumblr from an ex girlfriend to porn picture, the things youve reblogged made me feel too uneasy about us. the way you would keep your phone away from me. i just thought it wasnt fair, that something for sure was going on. after all this i never felt good enough in your eyes.

sigh but youve read my posts here, you know all too well my insecurities. i just wished there was some way to ease them all, and maybe if they were eased... then this wouldnt have happened. in a way i just wanted someone there to fill that confusing void... fuck this is horrible. i cant keep playing this shit out in my head. im going crazy trying to keep my mind away from you. i know that i would do anything for you, i would do anything to have us back even if it means that you have to do the same thing to me. i can take the heart ache as long as i know for a fact that you will be by my side in the very end. i love you, im crazy for you.

i cant blame it all on you, i seriously cant. i hold most of the fault and it surely feels as though im killing myself over it. it was my choice, my words. i suppose in a way i missed being all cute with you, thats why i turned to someone else. it didnt have to matter who it was, i know i just needed the attention but i sought it out from the most horrible source. it was only him. this was a one time fucked up move that i would never put you through again. call me what you want. a whore. a slut. a bitch. a dumbass. i know i am that and more. i know what i deserve.

like all the times before this, at the end of the day i cant do anything else but wait for you again. im waiting on your text, a call, something good to show me that you still love me. ill give you time, ill give you space, ill give you the world again if you could come back to me. all this stress and heart ache is killing me... i hope you see this. i hope you respond to this positively. ive been talking to my parents about this and they believe that if we love one another still then this time away is good, it gives us time to think about the important things and how we should work for them. they say that they have been through a lot andeven though they have their disagreements and times of doubt that they love each other at the end of the day and they work towards that.

sigh you know i love you, dont doubt that. i know i have messed up bad and you believe if i really did love you then this whole thing wouldnt have happened.... but the thing is things like this happen not out of love but out of jealousy, stupidity, and loneliness. i promise next time i wont let this get the best of me. i will turn myself onto you only, please let me.

I Needed This

swallowed thoughts and a bunch of neverminds

maybe if i was... if i had... maybe then youll see me the way i see you,

...amazing.

 

its all for you, i just want you to see me like how i see you. im trying. im trying so hard to be better.

Giving Thanks

Please Lord don't let any of this stop. Thank you Lord for the amazing past couple of days. I am actually happy right now. For the first time in a long time I feel at peace and I feel the weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Please lord don't let any of this go away.

Prayer

One of the worst days ever. Wishes don't come true. I should know that by now. It's always these trips to Texas .... I wanna just sleep. I wanna forget. I wish I never said anything at all... I shouldn't have said anything. Please God help me to forget. Please God help me through all of this.

Pleae God help me stop crying. 

I was weak. I'm sorry. 

Heated.

I am seriously not happy. No one takes the time to listen and understand. They are all just think that what they know is right and nothing else can change that. Their reasoning is too fucking flawed. There is no respect for the other person's feelings nor title. In the end it just makes each action rude and intolerable. I guess nothing is going to change. Nothing. I'm so fucking frustrated with this all. 

relapse

i cant sleep at all. i am completely bothered... i am completely hurt. i just want to cry. variables cant help but completely change with the help of time. then all these changes start to add up until you dont even know what youre reading anymore.

i relapsed in my diet this past couple days.

i feel so ugly and gross.

no wonder why this....

To You

you probably heard me say these things many times before but im just trying to get through to you:

you can accomplish more than you think. all the materials that you need to do so are already close at hand. you just have to gather all your strength to find a way to break through the negativity and put downs to actually take that first plunge. it will be scary at first but no one has ever achieved anything great inside their comfort zone. and even if you dont succeed the first time, chances are that the next time around it will improve from there. the stress of the unknown will melt away and you will find yourself in a better place than you were before hand.
when i had taken that first plunge, i did not know what to even do. walking around in circles, i was incredibly lost and had so many doubts about everything. thinking about it all, the whole process of talking to new and different people on things i didnt even know about was too overwhelming for me. i seriously hate talking to people that i didnt even know. in my head i just wanted to stay home, forget it all, and bury myself in something else to keep my mind off the subject. i guilt tripped myself into thinking that nothing good would come to this and that i would feel worse off than before because i truly believed that i wasnt good enough or that i would never stand out in a big group. my that is when i found my first glimmer of hope, a definite call back. good things can happen randomly when you least expect it all.
i believe in you fully. you can do great things, please believe and trust yourself on that.

 ___________________

with school it is completely different. it may look like i have it all together but i really fucking dont. to tell you the truth, i honestly suck at school. sometimes i dont even go because im too stressed out with all the homework, tests, and quizzes. i feel like all this information is being shoved down my throat so fast that i dont even have time to i cant even comprehend it all. even now, i am suppose to be studying for my math test that i will have later today but im here writing out this.
i hate school. i feel so behind in my classes. i feel like im going to be at this damn school forever. i dont think i even have good enough grades to transfer. my parents keep asking me when will i have enough credits to transfer out and i keep changing the subject or putting this question off for later. this is one of my biggest stressors.... i always just feel like staying at home and crying whenever i think about it.
there you go, this is one of my biggest secrets. youre not the only one stressing about school baby. youre not the only one scared who doesnt have a big plan for the future. i am so hesitant in taking the next step in school, i always wish everything was planned out for me just to make it easier. i feel horrible giving you advice about school that i never fucking follow. it makes me feel like such a loser... gosh i feel like i need help. like a lot of help.
i dont know what im really trying to get at here but well i just want you to know that youre seriously not alone in this. im just as scared as you and possibly even more. i would like to think that there are more lost people somewhere in the world than us and it kind of makes me feel better (in a mean way). i pray that everything will find a way to work out in time.

eroded

washed away, i have lost my voice again. swallowed down and filtered. 

tomorrow will be better.

tomorrow ill make it all better.

breathe.
try again tomorrow.

FUCK

and there it was again and again and again. sweet never lingers on my taste buds for long and i am use to the bitter. a feeling of utter disgust engulfs me and i have yet so many unanswered questions stuck within the crevices of my teeth. filtered out phrases and crooked smiles pass right on through while a rumbling sea of anger rages against the barriers of my imagination. how long must the silent watch before it erodes away with their mind's tide?

fuckin aye fuck fuckin fuck

i cant even breathe

  

I Just Want to Get Away

i am so tired and i want something new. even if i have to go through it all alone i honestly will be fine with it. i often have these vivid fantasies of saving up all my money and just buying a plane ticket to a place so far away from here. but, with all the responsibilities of school, family, and whatnot, am i just trying to run away from it all? i can not cope with stress at all. maybe i just need to drive somewhere far for a little bit to get that new perspective on life. maybe i have to come to terms with how unsatisfied i am with where i am in life right now.

the beginning

and so it begins. i can feel all these hormones raging inside of me and i am not happy. i mean who could be happy when they are trying to fight a war within themself? for the past couple hours i have been trying to resist falling into some kind of depression again. the only way i can clearly describe it is if i compare this whole thing to like watching a slow motion car crash. you know whats going to happen, you know it is going to be bad, and you just cannot stop it. i have to sit back and try to let it run its course. so until then, my mind is spent from trying to find ways to occupy myself so i wont have to stop to worry, over analyze, and freak out about every detail. i am trying not to be helpless. i am actually trying to be strong because i hate being a burden but at this point in time i feel as though i do not have enough strength to pull myself out of this hole.

nonetheless there are real, actual things i try to say, like always, that i can not let out. it hurts a lot. it really hurts. theres nothing i can do though. it is what it is.

i dont like this feeling anymore

please save me

i just want to be happy again

 

the big question

it has never actually crossed my mind before but for the pass couple days i have been wondering if i even want to get married one day? i see what it has done to my parents. all they do is argue over the slightest things like papers being not where its suppose to be, a sudden change of voice, eating habits, and random other shit. then, it always escalates up to the same thing, them saying that they hate each other at the very end. they walk away from one another and mutter horrible things under their breath as they stomp their feet up and down the stairs. i dont want that. i dont want any of that. if that is how marriage is going to end up in the very end then i dont want to be apart of it. they do have their sparks of hope though. they make fun of one another and watch movies sometimes and for an hour or so they look like they are happy. That is the thing, they only look happy on the outside. For me, I don't want to rezent someone that I am suppose to be in love with for all time.
maybe it is just me? maybe i am just looking for some attention about this? or for something drastic to change my mind about this whole thing? but right now i seem to be on the fence about the subject. It is just a thought.

Soul Cool

I have been thinking a lot lately about maybe this is where it begins? I should definitely get use to it. I need to find ways to get my frustrations out. I need to get back to my roots. I use to be so open.

march again

i had another nightmare about you. i keep having these nightmares about you. i always wake up angry and then i begin to question things even more than i should. all in all, im not sure what it means. maybe its god's way of trying to tell me something like what happened before? i just do not know anymore. i hope it isnt that. i just really hope its nothing at all but my overreacting imagination. im tired. i wish i could sleep without these worries to knocking on my door. sigh, i just hope im making you happy.

__________

2AM knows me the best. it keeps all my secrets and wishes that i dare not to speak out loud. it knows what i yearn for and tries its best to hush my uncertainties. 3AM eases its way in to try to help lull me to sleep, making my eyes heavy while my mind tries to fight off its advances. i give in to 4AM and lay my distress over to it.

in the back of my mind i cant help but think,
 "its almost summer again...

im scared."

Claire De Lune

i never actually saw her before today. she had always been the one in the corner of my eye that i had chosen to ignore. in the crowded sea of faces, she was a shadow on the wall. as a shadow she was stepped over and completely disregarded. it was her who seemed pretty destined to be invisible. but then one day she spoke. in that tiny second her voice had broken so many boundaries that my mind had secretly laid out for her. no longer was she the haggard girl that i saw her as. with every note that slipped past her pink lips and into my ears i fell more and more for her. it was not fair, how can a girl such as this put me in this bad of trance. her voice, slow licks of lyrics with a slight rasp for a bite at the end of the sentence. it called me back for more. she ebbed and flowed with the melody as if she was hand-in-hand dancing with it. she was unreal, how could this be the same person as before? but, it didnt matter anymore who she was. i looked upon her with realization for the very first time. her frazzled hair was pulled back to show off her dough like complexion. she was glowing. i wanted her.

dabble dabble dabble

i hate feeling writer's block

yakkety-yak

it was on the tip of her tongue.as usual she could barely hold grip of the memory. it was like the couple seconds after one awakens and tries to remember a dream. murky and full of haze, she could still taste the hints of flecks of gold in the sand. the day that will forever stand out amongst the rest for being one that she will never forget. she was almost there. she could still hear a vague voice though the white noise that played in her brain. she wanted so badly to hear those words and kiss the lips of peace once more.

i dont know what im saying haha

secret

i wish i had the curves you craved so you wouldn't need to be looking for it in other women.